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FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY
CRACKED ICE
The story begins with an opening shot on the exterior
of the executive mansion. It is a gala day. Soldiers are
lined up in front of the entrance; expensive cars and car-
riages are arriving and depositing distinguished notables
from the adjoining countries. Two trumpeters at the head of
the stairs announce the arrival of each notable.
In the large reception hall, Mrs. Teasdale, wife of
the late president, is greeting the newcomers. The room is
filled with distinguished guests. At the moment we see Mrs.
Teasdale, she is talking with a notable. In the near back-
ground is a group of distinguished men, members of her own
cabinet. Her words to the notable are not lost on them, and
as she begins to praise the new dictator, there is the ex-
change of disapproving glances.
Mrs. Teasdale
It is so good of you to come.
Notable
An honor, Mrs. Teasdale.... You must indeed have great faith
in your new dictator to give him such a magnificent reception.
Mrs. Teasdale
I feel that Rufus T. Firefly is the only logical successor to
my dear departed husband. He has the statesmanship of Glad-
stone, the humility of Lincoln, and the wisdom of Pericles.
The notable kisses her hand once more and leaves the
scene. As he does, the background group moves into Mrs.
Teasdale. Their spokesman addresses Mrs. Teasdale.
First Cabinet Member
(Protestingly)
Mrs. Teasdale, as members of Freedonia's cabinet, we do not
approve of your choice. Who is this Rufus T. Firefly?
Second Cabinet Member
(Waving aloft a paper)
A stranger in our midst, an agent for the Eureka Ammunition
Company. Think of it, Gentlemen, an ammunition salesman dic-
tating the policies of our peace-loving country.
Third Cabinet Member
Reconsider, Mrs. Teasdale, before it is too late. The citi-
zens of Freedonia want a President!
Mrs. Teasdale
As the widow of your last president, I have the right to
choose -- and, Gentlemen, I refuse to discuss the matter any
further.
Mrs Teasdale turns her back on them, leaving them to
mumble among themselves.
From off scene comes a servant's voice, announcing:
Servant
His Excellency, Ambassador Verdi Trentino of Amnesia!
Cut... to the archway. We see Trentino enter with a
beautiful brunette at his side. He is followed by two or
three of his fellowmen. He moves across the reception hall
to Mrs. Teasdale, bows most graciously and presses his lips
to the back of her hand, then introduces his companion.
Trentino
Mrs. Teasdale..... my niece, Vera.
Mrs. Teasdale shakes the girl's hand warmly.
Mrs. Teasdale
(To niece)
Your uncle has been such a friend to us in every crisis.
Without his country's financial aid --
Trentino
(Lightly)
What is money?
(Tenderly)
Mrs. Teasdale, for you -- I would do anything.
Mrs. Teasdale
(Flustered)
Ambassador!
(Attempting to change the subject)
I am so anxious for you to meet our new dictator.
Trentino
(Persistent in his flattery)
Mrs. Teasdale -- no matter who rules Freedonia, to me you
will always be the first lady of the land.
Trentino attempts to take her hand. The latter is a
bit confused, much to the amusement of Vera, who laughingly
says:
Vera
Mrs. Teasdale, my uncle's hopeless -- you've been the only
topic of conversation ever since we left Amnesia.
Mrs. Teasdale's confusion is happily interrupted by
the announcement of a servant, off scene.
Servant
The Honorable Mohamed Pandooh of Mufhtan!
Mrs. Teasdale
(Hastily)
Oh, I must greet His Honor.
Mrs. Teasdale exits from the scene quickly. Vera and
Trentino look after her, then Vera laughs softly, as their
eyes meet.
Vera
So that's the one you want to marry.
Trentino
With Mrs. Teasdale as my wife and Freedonia under my control --
(He rubs his hands significantly)
Vera
Maybe it's not going to be so easy. From what I've heard,
Mrs. Teasdale is rather sweet on this Rufus T. Firefly.
Trentino
That's where you come in. I'll leave him in your hands, and
don't forget you're supposed to be my niece.
Vera winks agreeingly.
Mrs. Teasdale enters the scene with Bob Firefly (ZEPPO).
She introduces him.
Mrs. Teasdale
I want you to meet the son of His Excellency -- Bob Firefly....
Ambassador Trentino... his niece, Vera,
After the formalities of introducing, Trentino says:
Trentino
Isn't it about time for the ceremony to begin, Mrs. Teasdale?
(Mockingly)
I do hope His Excellency won't be late.
Bob
(Defensively)
My father makes it a point to always be on time. As long as
I've known him, he's never been late for an appointment.
Trentino
But it's two minutes of ten now.
Bob
(As music begins)
His Excellency is due
To take his station.
Beginning his new
Administration......
He'll make his appearance when
The clock on the wall strikes ten.
Mrs. Teasdale (singing)
When the clock on the wall strikes ten
All you loyal ladies and you patriotic men
Let's sing the national anthem when...
The clock on the all strikes ten.
The clock begins to strike the hour... one....
two.... three.... four....
All (Singing)
Hail, hail, Freedonia.....
Mightiest of mighty nations!
Hail, hail, Freedonia
Land of the brave and free.
This finishes on an operatic note with everybody with
outstretched hands turned toward the main door that connects
the reception hall with the outer hall.
Groucho doesn't appear and once more they all sing.
All (Singing)
Hail, hail, Freedonia....
Land of the brave and free.
Again Groucho fails to appear and they all sing once
more.
All (Singing)
Hail, hail, Freedonia....
Land of the brave and free.
Mrs. Teasdale exchanges an apprehensive glance with
Bob. Vera and Trentino smile.
Mrs. Teasdale
(Nervously)
I hope nothing has happened.
Bob
Mrs. Teasdale, I assure you there is nothing to worry about.
Father is probably taking extra care in getting into his
robes of state. I'll call him.
Bob goes over to a corner of the room and pulls a
tapestried bell cord. This rings a fire bell in Groucho's
room -- and Groucho is disclosed asleep in his canopied bed
under a mosquito netting. He has an unlighted cigar in his
mouth. The continued jangling of the fire bell awakens him
from his slumber and he rises quickly. The cigar begins to
emit smoke when he starts puffing. He hurries over to one
corner of the room where his clothes are arranged in fireman
fashion, gets into them, and then sides down a fireman's
pole into the reception hall.
The guests are singing the last two lines of the
national anthem when he arrives.
All (Singing)
Hail, hail, Freedonia.....
Land of the brave and free.
Groucho starts across the hall in the direction of
Mrs. Teasdale. He passes several notables, one of whom is
wearing an impressive looking medal. Groucho deprives him of
it without stopping his forward movement, and pins it on him-
self. He pauses only when he is facing the principal group.
Mrs. Teasdale
(Beaming as she addresses Groucho)
As chairwoman of the reception committee, I welcome you and
extend the good wishes of every man, woman and child of
Freedonia. I deem it an honor on this momentous occasion....
Groucho
(Interrupting)
Never mind that stuff.....
He takes a pack of cards from is pocket and extends
them to Mrs. Teasdale.
Groucho
Take a card.
The bewildered Mrs. Teasdale complies.
Groucho puts the other fifty-one cards in his pocket.
Mrs. Teasdale
What'll I do with this card?
Groucho
You can keep it -- I've got a whole pack..... Now what were
you saying?
Mrs. Teasdale
As chairwoman of the reception committee, I welcome you with
open arms.
Groucho
How late do you stay open?
Mrs. Teasdale
In choosing you, I feel that I serve my country well. I
heartily endorse everything you stand for.
Groucho
Well, I won't stand for much. And I won't stand for you if
you don't show some improvement soon. Look at your report
card last month -- "D" in spelling.... six in behavior. Now
who were the six? A fine state of affairs -- no wonder you
can't matriculate, now what were you saying;?
Mrs. Teasdale
The future of Freedonia rests upon you. Promise me you will
follow in my husband's footsteps.
Groucho
(To CAMERA)
I haven't been on the job five minutes and already she's
making advances to me.
(To Mrs. Teasdale)
Not that I care -- but where is your husband?
Mrs. Teasdale
(Slightly embarrassed)
Why - er -- my husband passed away.....
(reverently)
I was with him to the very end.
Groucho
No wonder he passed away. I'd like to be with you to the
very end. Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you -- I
love you.
Mrs. Teasdale
(Very warmly)
Your Excellency!
Groucho
You're not so bad yourself, Mrs. Teasdale, when I look at
you I can see that we're facing a crisis. We've got to bal-
ance the budget -- we've got to cut down everything including,
you.
Ambassador Trentino enters the scene.
Mrs. Teasdale
Oh... Your Excellency... I would like to present to you....
AMBASSADOR VERDI TRENTINO OF AMNESIA.......
Having him with us today is indeed a great honor.
Trentino
(To Mrs. Teasdale, smiling appreciatively)
Thanks.... but I can't stay very long.
Groucho
That's even a greater honor.
Trentino
I bring you the greetings of my President and the good will
of my people.
Groucho
I'll keep the greetings -- but you can send back the good
will... what we need right now is twenty million dollars.
Trentino
Twenty million dollars is a considerable sum.... I'll have
to discuss that with my Minister of Finance.
Groucho
Well, in the meantime, could you let me have $50 personally?
Trentino
(Surprised)
$50 ?
Groucho
I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll give you Mrs. Teasdale as
security.
(Throwing a glance at Mrs. Teasdale)
or my jackknife. If you want my advice, you'll take the
jackknife...... I've a better proposition.... Make it $25
and I'll give you a first mortgage on my son and I hope you
foreclose.
Trentino
(With a puzzled look at Groucho)
Your Excellency, haven't we met before?
Groucho
(Looking at Trentino)
Why yes. I met you at the dog races -- say, you could have
won that race if you tried a little harder.
Vera Trentino enters scene.
Ambassador
Oh. May I present my niece.
Groucho
Go ahead.
Trentino
You don't understand. This is my niece Vera.
Groucho
(Throwing her a glance)
And Vera niece, too.
Vera
Your Excellency, please don't think me silly, but I'd love
to have a picture of you. I want to hang it in my bedroom.
Groucho
You couldn't hang me in your bedroom -- I'll make a note of
it. Where's my secretary?
(Looking around)
Bob (ZEPPO) enters scene.
Bob
Here I am, Father.
Groucho
(To Bob)
Take a letter.
Bob
(Taking out a stenographer's pad and pencil)
Who to?
Groucho
The President of the United States.
(Bob writes as Groucho dictates)
Groucho
My dear President.... read it back....
Bob
(Reading from pad)
"My dear President"...
Groucho
That doesn't sound right.... take out "President"... now
read it.
Bob
(Reading)
"My dear"...
Groucho
That's not right yet.... put back "President" and take out
"dear"... How does it read now?
Bob
(Reading)
"My President"....
Groucho
There's still something wrong with it.... take out "President"
.... now what've you got?
Bob
(Reading)
"My"....
Groucho
Now we're on the right track.... Put back "dear".....
How does it read?
Bob
(Reading)
"My dear"...
Groucho
You can't say that to the President.... Put back "President"
... Now let's hear how sounds.
Bob
(Reading)
"My dear President"...
Groucho
That's what I wanted in the first place. Tear it up and
send it airmail.
Bob
Is that all?
Groucho
Take another letter.... to my tailor.
(Bob takes dictation again.)
Groucho
Dear Sir... enclosed find check for $100. Yours very truly....
Send that immediately.
Bob
I'll have to enclose the check first.
Groucho
You do and I'll fire you.
Groucho glares over his shoulder at Bob to emphasize
his remark as the latter exits from the scene. Mrs. Teasdale
enters to Groucho.
Mrs. Teasdale
(To Groucho)
Your Excellency, the eyes of the world are upon you. Nota-
bles from every land are gathered here in your honor --
(Indicating the guests with a wave of her hand)
This is a gala day for us.
Groucho
Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I couldn't handle any
more.
Mrs. Teasdale
If it's not asking too much --
(Recitative)
For our information
Just for illustration
(Begins tune)
Tell us how you intend to run the nation.
Groucho
(Singing)
These are the laws of my administration:
No one's allowed to smoke
Or tell a dirty joke --
And whistling is forbidden...
Ensemble
(Singing)
We're not allowed to tell a dirty joke
HAIL, HAIL, FREEDONIA
Groucho
(Singing)
If chewing gum is chewed,
The chewer is pursued
And in the hoosegow hidden...
Ensemble
(Singing)
If we should choose to chew, we'll be pursued -
Groucho
If any form of pleasure is exhibited
Report to me and it will be prohibited.
I'll put my foot down;
So shall it be -
This is the land of the free.
The last man nearly ruined this place
He didn't know what to do with it.
If you think this country's bad off now
Just wait 'till I get through with it.
(Does sailor's hornpipe)
The treasury is low on dough;
The last man went and flew with it.
If you think we're short of money now
Just wait 'till I get through with it.
(Does Highland fling)
The country's taxes must be fixed -
And I know what to do with it,
If you think you're paying too much now,
Just wait 'till I get through with it.
(Takes flute from inside pocket
and plays strain of Dixie)
Dignitary
(Singing)
In our midst you stand
The ruler of this land
A man who'll govern with an iron hand.
Groucho
(Singing)
If anyone gets fresh with me,
I'll show him who's the boss;
I'll stand upon my dignity,
And toss him for a loss.
And this will be the penalty
For those who doublecross -
We'll stand 'em up against the wall,
and Pop goes the Weasel,
Ensemble
(Singing)
If you should make him cross,
He'll toss you for a loss.
If anyone gets fresh with him,
He'll show him who's the boss.
(Groucho does minuet with girls
as above is sung)
Groucho
(Singing)
I will not stand for anything
That's crooked or unfair;
I'm strictly on the up and up,
So everyone beware.
If anyone's caught taking graft
And I don't get my share,
We'll stand 'em up against the wall -
And Pop goes the Weasel!
Ensemble
(Singing)
So everyone beware
Who's crooked or unfair;
No one must take a bit of graft
Unless he gets his share.
(Groucho dances as above is sung)
Groucho
(Singing)
If any man should come between
A husband and his bride,
We find out which one she prefers
By letting her decide.
If she prefers the other man,
The husband steps outside;
We stand him up against the wall
And Pop goes the Weasel!
Ensemble
(Singing)
The husband steps outside;
Relinquishes his bride;
We stand him up against the wall
And take him for a ride.
(Groucho dances as above is sung)
Groucho
The population must increase
With great rapidity.
We give a couple seven years
To raise a family.
If, by that time, there is no branch
Upon the family tree,
We stand 'em up against the wall -
And Pop goes the Weasel.
(Groucho does a dance with Mrs. Teasdale who joins
him reluctantly and registers embarrassment as dance con-
tinues. He might finish dance in her arms, looking ten-
derly at her as she beams down at him.)
Mrs. Teasdale
(As she beams on him)
You've made a wonderful impression. Your views are liberal
... It is easy to see you have an open mind.
Groucho
That's what I get for dressing in a hurry.
Mrs. Teasdale
Your Excellency, you mustn't forget your appointment at the
House of Representatives ... Have you got your speech ready?
Groucho
I wrote a speech last night that'll knock them off their
seats ...
(He takes a paper from inside pocket as
he says above.... then reads from paper)
Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on
this continent a new nation --
Mrs. Teasdale
Why, that's the speech that Lincoln made at Gettysburg ...
Groucho
(With a look of great surprise)
He did? ... I told my son not to leave it laying around ...
Where is son?
(Bob enters)
Bob
Here I am, Father ...
Groucho
Send for my car ....
Bob
(Calling to servant off scene)
His Excellency's car!
(This is repeated by a servant's voice off scene ...
A servant enters to Groucho, bearing his high silk hat.
He bows low as he hands it to Groucho ... Groucho takes hat,
removes a white rabbit, hands it back to servant, dons his
hat and with a swanky gesture exits ... again we hear a ser-
vant's voice calling: "His Excellency's car" ...
We see the trumpeters at the top of the steps of the
mansion, outside, standing at attention ... their trumpets
at their sides ...
From inside comes the voice of a servant calling "His
Excellency's car" ...
The trumpeters click their heels, draw themselves erect,
put the trumpets to their mouths and blow a fanfare to
summon the car ...
We cut to the Exterior of the Dictator's garage. This
is a pretentious affair. In central foreground a wall, in
the center of which is a large wrought-iron double gate. On
each side of the gate is a crest or design in relief. Also
two liveried guards stand erect before the gate. A trumpeter
on the wall above. Through the gate we see the patio and
suggestions of the garage. Two or three high-class cars in
background identify the garage.
At the beginning of the scene, we hear finish of
trumpeter's call. Instantly the two guards move to the
center of the gates and call through the bars -
Guards
(In unison)
His Excellency's car!
Almost instantly there is a terrific roar of motors on
the other side of the wall. The two guards open gates mov-
ing in military manner. Immediately the gates are wide open,
Harpo appears on his motorcycle, that carries a side car.
The motorcycle is decorated ... perhaps a crest in relief on
the side of the car ... a thin staff, about four or five feet
high is fastened to the handle bars ... As Harpo rides along,
he hoists the Freedonian flag to the staff. Further along the
road he hits a man ... he looks behind to see what damage
he's done, but continues riding ... A CUT BACK to the man
shows that he is lying prostrate on the ground.
We CUT BACK to Harpo, who is just getting off motor-
cycle ... he takes another look back at the man, lowers the
flag to half-mast, takes bugle, which is hanging on his car
and blows a few bars of taps ... he mounts motorcycle again
and starts off ...
CUT TO top of mansion steps as Groucho comes from man-
sion ... the two guards standing stiffly erect, form a seat
by crossing hands ... Groucho sits on the seat made by their
hands, puts his arms around their shoulders and they carry
him down stairs ... as fast as they can.
CUT TO Harpo arriving in front of mansion just as
Groucho, carried by the men, moves into the scene. Groucho
gets into the side-car ... and in Napoleonic manner says to
Harpo:
Groucho
To the House of Representatives ... ride like fury ... Don't
stop for any signals and don't wait for a corner to make a
turn ... see if you can break a record ...
Harpo takes a phonograph record and smashes it on the
ground ... there is a roar of the motor -- the motorcycle
starts off but leaves the side-car.
Groucho gets out of side-car ... starts back to steps,
stops and says:
Groucho
A fine thing -- leaving the head of the nation at the foot
of the stairs ...
As he dashes up the stairs, we CUT TO Harpo ... riding
along ...
A very attractive girl is coming along in the opposite
direction. As she approaches Harpo, he toots his horn to
attract her attention, she throws him a indignant look and
continues on down the street. Harpo turns his motorcycle
around and starts after her. She looks around, sees Harpo
pursuing and breaks into a run ... CUT BACK to Harpo follow-
ing her, putting on speed ... he lowers the Freedonian flag
and simultaneously raises a pirate flag -- with skull and
cross-bones on it, displayed prominently. A motorcycle cop
is parked on the corner waiting for prospective violators ...
he sees Harpo chasing the girl and quickly starts his motor
and follows in pursuit ...
The girl, as she reaches the executive mansion, rushes
up the stairs in an effort to escape. Harpo comes into the
scene and rides up the stairs after her ... As Harpo gets
about half way up the stairs the motorcycle cop is seen
approaching the mansion.
CUT TO reception room of mansion as the girl is running
madly through the room ... a moment later we see Harpo on
his bike following ... there is panic among the guests. Then
we see the girl tearing up the stairs leading to the circular
balcony ... CUT BACK to Harpo. He looks behind him as he
rides and sees the motorcycle cop following on his bike. On
the balcony above, the girl is running, with an occasional
glance over her shoulder as she runs out of scene ... Harpo
rides into scene. This time he is bent over his handle-bars
in the manner of a six day bicycle rider ... following
closely behind him rides the motorcycle cop. They circle
the mezzanine ... Harpo in the lead, looking back now and
then over his shoulder at his pursuer ... this is done in
imitation of a six day bicycle race ... The motorcycle cop
is closing in on Harpo ... the latter approaching a large open
door, rides through the opening, but the cop continues on
around the balcony ... as he gets to the opposite side of the
circular balcony he passes another open doorway. Harpo comes
riding out of it and is now in pursuit of the cop ...
CUT down stairs to Groucho ... One hand is upraised
holding a gun. As he looks at a wrist watch, he fires gun,
then addresses guests looking into CAMERA.
Groucho
That concludes the nine o'clock sprints ... Next Saturday
night the winner of the six day bicycle race will receive
ten thousand dollars in gold ... the following morning we
go off the gold standard ...
CUT BACK to balcony ... Harpo is passing the cop ...
He holds up his hand for the cop to stop ... they both come
to a halt ... Harpo gets off his motorcycle, walks over an-
grily to cop, takes out his book, writes out a summons and
hands it to the cop as we FADE OUT ...
END OF SEQUENCE "A"
SEQUENCE "B"
FADE IN on interior of Freedonian House of Repre-
sentatives. This interior although not a replica of our own
House of Representatives, should be close enough technically
to sell the idea... Each seat is occupied by an officious-
looking dignitary. On the platform are a few desks ... per-
haps a pulpit which Groucho uses when he arrives... The one
to the right is the court stenographer's desk, occupied by
Bob Firefly. He takes notes as the meeting progresses.
Throughout the House runs a ripple of excitement,
which is stopped by the rapping of the gavel by the Speaker
of the House.
Speaker
Gentlemen, gentlemen, remember for forty-six years we have
enjoyed the friendship of Amnesia, so ably represented by
Ambassador Trentino.
(Indicating the Ambassador who is present)
We owe it to ourselves to listen to what he has to say...
(Trentino takes the floor)
Trentino
Gentlemen, while I admit it is unusual for a representative
of one country to advise the legislative body of another, I
assure you that I have the interest of Freedonia at heart ...
(Deferential applause)
We have lent you money in the past -- we are willing to lend
you money again -- but, we cannot do it if your leader is
allowed by you, to carry out his ridiculous proposals... In
self-protection it is my ----
(Bob rises to interrupt)
Bob
I object!... we have no right to discuss this matter in the
absence of my father.
Speaker
(To House)
We have been meeting every morning for eight days and not
once has His Excellency been on time...
Trentino
(Looking at his watch)
Gentlemen, I cannot wait much longer...
Speaker
(To Bob)
Would you mind calling your father again?
Bob presses a button, either on desk or wall...
CUT TO - the corner of Groucho's bedroom, showing fireman's
pole. The sound of the clanging bell is heard over scene.
Groucho hurries into scene, fully clad but for his coat which
he has on his arm... without waiting to don his coat he
slides down the pole. We pick him up finishing the slide
down the pole into the House of Representatives. As he ar-
rives the members are on their feet singing the last four
bars of the national anthem.
Members
(Singing)
Hail, hail, Freedonia
Land of the brave and free...
Groucho hurries toward Speaker's desk, putting on
his coat as he goes... Just as he reaches the desk the
singing subsides. Groucho turns to the body of men and
looks off in the direction of one of the representatives.
Groucho
(Pointing toward the individual off scene)
The Secretary of Agriculture was a little flat...
(He takes a match and scratches it across
the top of the desk to light his cigar...
takes a few puffs, then raps the gavel.)
I move we open the morning session... Has anybody got a
cork screw?
(Looking out and around at members)
[page missing]
Groucho
What's to stop you from digging one... And after you dig a
river, how're ya gonna cross it without a bridge... ? We've
got to have a bridge to stop people from going places --
then we've gotta stop them from coming back. If you're
worried about the expense we can have a bridge with only one
end -- and if that's a success we can do away with it alto-
gether. I'm telling you that what this country needs is --
(Off scene we hear Chico's voice singing
"P-E-A-N-U-T-S" .... this is followed
by the piping of a whistle playing the
first strain of the PEANUT VENDOR...
Groucho listens, annoyed and then con-
tinues)
Groucho
If there's one thing we don't need right now -- it's pea-
nuts -- gentlemen, what good is a bridge if you haven't got
ammunition to blow it up... ammunition was never cheaper...
Right now, you can get two cannons for the price of one and
shoot twice as far for half the money... With every five
thousand dollar purchase we throw in a Big Bertha... If you
don't like her, you can throw her right out again. I tell
you no country can protect itself without --
(Again Chico's voice comes over scene
singing "P-E-A-N-U-T-S"... The whistl-
ing of the first strain of song - the
PEANUT VENDOR is heard again)
Speaker
I'm sorry your Excellency, it is that infernal peanut vendor
Chicolini... How can we accomplish anything with that con-
stant annoyance?
Trentino
Your Excellency - are we or are we not going to discuss this
problem - my time is valuable - I'm a man of few words -
Groucho
I'm a man of one word... SCRAM!!!
(Trentino exits resentfully)
Groucho
(To Bob - aroused)
Go out and chase that peanut vendor away from the building --
Get rid of him if you have to use violence - if necessary
call out the militia and if he isn't looking get me a bag of
peanuts.
Bob
I've tried to chase him but it's no use - he won't go -
Groucho
He won't eh? - We'll see about that - send for your father
immediately.
Bob
But you're my father -
Groucho
Never mind then, I'll get in touch with him myself -
(CUT OUTSIDE to Chico standing by his peanut
stand which has a whistle on it conspicuously
displayed - )
Chico
(Singing loudly)
"P-E-A-N-U-T-S"
(CLOSE UP of whistle piping tune of "PEANUT
VENDOR" - Trentino enters to Chico - )
Chico
(To Trentino)
How'm I doing, boss?
Trentino
Fine - keep on yelling - Do everything you can to disturb
Firefly - Now what about your cousin?
Chico
He's working very hard - I got him a job driving Firefly's
car - He's-a driving him crazy and I'm driving him nuts -
P-E-A-N-U-T-S
(Singing even louder than before - Trentino smirks
approvingly and exits - the whistling of the tune
following as we CUT inside to Groucho - and the
well-known vamp of the "Peanut Vendor" is heard
coming over scene with orchestra accompaniment...)
Groucho
(Glaring angrily at window)
I'll get rid of that pest - watch me --
(He walks determinedly in direction of window
and breaks into a rhumba - with hands on hips -
dipping to ground a la Spanish dancer... as he
reaches window we CUT outside. Groucho is seen
in the window - which is on the ground floor -
Chico is by his peanut stand)
Groucho
(To Chico - angrily)
Hey you!!
Chico
All right -
(Chico takes bag of peanuts from stand -
throws it to Groucho - The latter catches
bag and throws Chico a dime - then starts to
eat the peanuts)
Groucho
Have you got a license?
Chico
No, but my dog he's a got millions of them --
Groucho
(Munching peanuts as Chico walks over and
stands under window)
What kind of a dog is he?
Chico
He used to be a bloodhound but he's anemic --
Groucho
Well - what is he now?
Chico
He's half poodle and half watch dog -
Groucho
Half watch dog?
Chico
Yeh, he's only got one eye.
Groucho
I don't know much about dogs but you ought to be on the end
of a leash - a ninety-nine gear leash -
(Gives him a look of disgust)
Look - what do you call your dog?
Chico
I don't call him, I whistle.
Groucho
What do you whistle?
Chico
Yankee Poodle.
Groucho
I've got just the place for a man like you but I'm too busy
right now to do any digging. What do you call your dog when
you want him?
Chico
I don't want him.
Groucho
Well, if you don't want your dog why don't you put him in a
pound?
Chico
He only weighs ten ounces --
Groucho
I can use you in the House of Representatives. We need a
man who understands dogs -- and that's where this country is
going to. Step inside.
(Groucho turns and disappears from the
window - CUT INSIDE of House of Repre-
sentatives)
Groucho
(To Bob)
In case of fire, how long will it take to empty this place?
Bob
(After a moment's thought)
About - thirty-four seconds.
Groucho
We'll start a fire --
(Indicating representatives)
-- and get rid of these microbes.
(Groucho exits towards door leading into his
private office. CUT to inside of private
office which has another door leading to a
hallway, and among other articles of furniture,
there is an impressive-looking desk on which
is a telephone. Just as Groucho comes through
the door into his office, Chico enters through
the other door. He is wearing gauntlets,
reaching half way up his arms. As they walk
toward each other the telephone rings and the
two men make a mad dash for the telephone on
the desk. Chico beats Groucho to the phone,
picks up the receiver.)
Chico
(At telephone)
Hello!... Yes... Yes... He's not in...
(Chico hangs up receiver and turns to Groucho
who is waiting impatiently)
Chico
That was for you.
Groucho
I'm sorry I'm not in. I wanted to have a long talk with
you... Now look here, my good man, you've got to stop yell-
ing "peanuts" in front of the House of Representatives.
Chico
Oh no, I can't do it.
Groucho
You don't want to be a public nuisance, do you?
Chico
Sure. How much does the job pay?
(or)
Sure, if there's a chance for advancement.
Groucho
You wouldn't consider going over Niagara Falls without a
barrel?
Chico
'At's-a no good. I went to Niagara Falls once.
Groucho
Did you shoot the rapids?
Chico
No, but I shot some ducks.
Groucho
If there was an open season for fellows like you, I'd get
myself a hunting license. Anyway, I'm going to make you a
sporting proposition. You give up the peanut stand and I'll
make you vice-president of the country.
Chico
Oh, no -- nothing doing. I had a brother who was a vice-
president once and that's the last we ever heard of him.
Groucho
Well, maybe he's still the vice-president. Now if I were to
offer you --
(Telephone bell rings. The two men turn and
run for the telephone. Again Chico gets there
first. Groucho stands by exasperated while
Chico talks to the party on the other end of
the line)
Chico
(To telephone)
Hello... Yes... No, not yet... All right... Goodbye.
(Hangs up receiver - then says to Groucho)
That was for you again. He wants you to call him up as soon
as you get back.
Groucho
I don't know what's keeping me. I should've been here a
long time ago. Now how about my proposition?
Chico
What other job you got?
Groucho
Let's see -- What've I got in my cabinet besides mice --
(Stops to think - then very enthusiastically)
I've got it -- how would you like to be Secretary of the
Interior?
Chico
That's no good. I like to work on the outside. I must have
something easy.
Groucho
Then you don't wanna work hard?
Chico
I don't wanna work at all.
Groucho
In that case you'll have to take a civil service examination
-- if you pass I'll put you in the post-office -- stick out
your tongue.
Chico
I don't wanna sick out my tongue.
Groucho
Well, if you wanna work in the post-office you'll have to
stick out your tongue.
Chico
Look, I'm a very nervous man. I gotta have a job where I
come to work at eleven -- go to lunch at twelve -- and quit
at one. And twice a year I gotta have a six month vaca-
tion.
Groucho
I've got just the job for you -- Secretary of War.
Chico
'At's-a fine.
(Telephone bell rings. They both make a dash
for the telephone, but Harpo rushes in through
hallway door and reaches the phone first. Harpo
picks up through telephone receiver, listens to con-
versation on the other end with an occasional nod
and shake of the head. As he listens, he
scribbles message on a piece of paper. He
holds the written message up to the telephone
receiver for a moment, then writes a few more
words on the paper. During this, Chico and
Groucho stand by, terribly worried. Finally
Harpo hangs up the receiver and exits, tearing
up the paper)
Groucho
(After a moment's glance at Harpo)
You know, I'd be lost without a telephone. Now - where were
we? Oh, yes - I just made you Secretary of War. The first
thing you do is buy ammunition -- you buy it from me and I
get 10% commission.
Chico
What do I get?
Groucho
You get half mine and I get half yours.
Chico
I don't want to buy ammunition -- we no gotta war.
Groucho
Then we've gotta start one. Do you know how to start a war?
Chico
Sure, that's easy. You gotta insult somebody.
(Groucho suddenly slaps Chico across the face with
his gloves, then as quickly brings to light a
card which he presents to Chico in the profes-
sional manner of an experienced duelist)
Groucho
My card.
Chico
(Laughing)
That's a-no good. You gotta insult somebody from another
country. Look --
(Puts his large gloves on the desk)
I come from one country. You come from another country. I
say something you don't like. You say something I don't
like - and I'm insulted.
Groucho
Why wasn't I insulted?
Chico
You was insulted, but you don't know it.
Groucho
(Indignantly)
Then I demand an apology!
Chico
That's a-no good. If I apologize we no got a war. Look --
I send you a scrap of paper. You send me a scrap of paper --
and we have a scrap.
Groucho
You've got a brain after all - and how you get along without
it is amazing to me -- Now, who can I insult?... Who do we
owe money to?...
(Enthusiastically)
AMBASSADOR TRENTINO! How about him?
Chico
He's-a very easy to insult -- I say something to his niece
once, and he slapped my face.
Groucho
Why didn't his niece slap your face?
Chico
She did.
Groucho
What did you say to her?
(Chico whispers in Groucho's ear -- Groucho
gives him an indignant look)
Groucho
You're lucky I don't slap your face -- you oughtta be ashamed
of yourself. Where did you hear that story?
Chico
You told it to me.
Groucho
(Puzzled for a moment)
Oh, yes, I remember -- and I should have slapped Mrs. Teas-
dale's face when she told it to me... I'm going right out
and find Trentino. You go right out and get yourself an
army.
(Chico turns to go - Groucho stops him)
Groucho
Wait a minute. What kind of an army do you think we oughtta
have?
Chico
I think we oughtta have a standing army, so we can save
money on chairs.
(At this point Chico is at the door and exits -
Groucho slams the door right in his face - then
he walks over to the desk and sees the larger
gauntlets. He takes a swing with his own gloves,
then takes a hefty swing with the gauntlet. He
leaves his own gloves on the desk and exits with
the gauntlets in is hand.)
(CUT outside. Harpo is just pulling up to the
curb in front of the House of Representatives,
in his motorcycle and side car. Groucho comes
from the building wearing gauntlets, gets into
the side car and with a dignified wave of his
hand, says:)
Groucho
To Mrs. Teasdale's residence!
(The motorcycle speeds out of the scene, leaving
the side car behind.)
Groucho
This is the fifth trip I've made today and I haven't been
anywhere yet.
(And, as he gets out of the side car and starts
to go back into the building, the scene
FADES OUT)
END OF SEQUENCE "B"
SEQUENCE "C"
FADE IN to garden party. This is an afternoon tea in
the garden of the Teasdale estate. Spotted in the set-up are
innumerable colorful umbrellas, under which are tea tables.
The guests include the notables we saw in the mansion in the
first sequence. The only two people absent are Ambassador
Trentino and Mrs. Teasdale. Vera Trentino is seated at one
of the tables and her presence is established there in the
opening shot. Music is heard over the scene and should be
continued through the scene as if being played by an orchestra
on the premises. Suddenly the chatter ceases as the follow-
ing announcement is heard coming over scene.
Guard's Voice
(From off scene)
His Excellency, Rufus T. Firefly!
All eyes turn toward those off scene and everyone
rises to sing the last four bars of the national anthem.
Cut to the gateway leading into the garden...a servant
on each side of the gate, as Groucho jauntily strides through
the gate, swinging the unusually large gauntlets...
Guests
(Singing)
Hail, hail, Freedonia
Land of the brave and free...
Groucho hands his high silk hat to one of the guards
and starts down the walk among the guests. From his attitude
it is evident that he is intent on finding Ambassador
Trentino. Suddenly he stops, having seen something of interest
off scene. The following dialogue comes over the scene.
Trentino's Voice
Can't you see, Gloria, our marriage would not only unite two
great families...
CUT TO Trentino and Mrs. Teasdale in a quiet corner
of the garden -- both are at a tea table. This shot leaves
Groucho out.
Trentino
(Continuing)
...but would further cement the relations of our countries.
Mrs. Teasdale
(Fluttering with excitement)
Ambassador Trentino, I am indeed honored...
(Falteringly)
But you see - well - I --
Trentino
(Repressing his anger - coldly)
Oh. Then there his somebody else?
Mrs. Teasdale
Well no -- not exactly -- but --
Trentino
(Impatiently)
Gloria -- I've waited for years. I won't be put off! I
love you! I want you!
(Taking her hand pleadingly)
Can't you see that I'm at your feet?
Groucho enters the scene.
Groucho
(To Trentino)
When you get through with her feet, you can start on mine.
I haven't been to a chiropodist in two years...
(To CAMERA)
If that's not an insult, I don't know what is.
(Turns to Gloria)
Gloria, I love you. I --
Trentino
(Furious, to Gloria)
Can't we go some place where we can be alone?
Groucho
(To Mrs. Teasdale)
What can this mug offer you? Wealth and family. I can't
give you wealth...
(Archly lifting his eyebrow)
...but we can have a little family of our own.
Mrs. Teasdale
(Coyly)
Oh, Rufus!
Groucho
All I can offer you is a Rufus over your head.
Mrs. Teasdale
(Happily confused)
Oh, Your Excellency, I don't know what to say.
Groucho
I wouldn't know what to say either if I was in your place.
(Turning to Trentino)
Maybe you can suggest something.
Trentino
(Hotly)
This has gone far enough! This interruption is humiliating,
to say the least...
Groucho
Well, why not say the least and get it over with?
Mrs. Teasdale
(Fearful)
Gentlemen! Gentlemen!
Trentino
(Half addressing Mrs. Teasdale)
I didn't come here to be insulted.
Groucho
That's what you think.
Trentino
(Furiously)
You swine!
Groucho
Give me that again!
Trentino
You worm!
Groucho
Once more!
(Holds his gauntlets in his hand, ready at any
moment to strike)
Trentino
You upstart!
Groucho
That's it! No man lives who can call a Firefly an upstart.
Without further ado, Groucho strikes Trentino across
the face with his gauntlets. Then he quickly flashes his
card and extends it to Trentino in the manner of a duelist.
Groucho
(As he offers the card)
Touché.
A sudden ripple of excitement as the guests, attracted
by the rumpus begin to move into the scene. Prominent among
these is Vera Trentino. Trentino refuses Groucho's card,
white with rage.
Trentino
(Coldly)
I shall report this indignity the my President.
(To Mrs. Teasdale - polite but firm)
Mrs. Teasdale, I feel this regrettable occurrence will plunge
our countries into war.
Mrs. Teasdale
(Half crying)
This is terrible!
Vera
Uncle, you can't do this!
Trentino
(Politely)
My dear niece -- I must ask you not to interfere. War is not
a woman's problem.
Vera
(Rising angrily)
It is every woman's problem. Who supplies the sons? -- the
brothers? -- the husbands? Who...
Groucho
(To Vera -- interrupting)
You keep that up and you'll crab the whole war.
Vera
Carry out this tragic folly if you will -- But I for one will
not be a part of it.
(She winks at Trentino)
I will stay here in Freedonia.
Trentino
(As a faint smile of understanding vanishes from
his face)
Very well then, if that's how you feel about it --
(suggestive shrug of his shoulders)
My country has spoken.
(He turns on his heel as if about to leave. Groucho
stops him)
Groucho
Then it's war?
Trentino
(Stiffly)
Yes.
Groucho
How're ya fixed for ammunition?
Trentino
Bah!!
(Waves Groucho aside and exits)
Groucho
(Dramatically)
THEN IT'S WAR!
(SOUND of trumpet - Ta - ta - ta-ta)
Groucho
THEN IT'S WAR!
(SOUND of trumpet - Ta - ta - ta-ta)
Groucho
GATHER THE FORCES!
(SOUND of trumpet - Ta - ta - ta - ta)
Groucho
HARNESS THE HORSES!
(SOUND of trumpet - Ta - ta - ta - ta)
Groucho
THEN IT'S WAR!
The above lies are spoken in meter and each line is
punctuated by the staccato notes of the trumpet. Groucho
makes a military exit from scene in time to the music, which
goes into a military march. As Groucho reaches the gate,
the guard hands him his high silk hat. Groucho takes the
hat -- removes a white rabbit from it -- hands it to the
guard -- as he exits through gate. DISSOLVE.
END OF SEQUENCE "C"
SEQUENCE "D"
INSERT of newspaper. The newspaper moves up to CAMERA from
background -- as it stops we read the following headlines:
"ARMIES MOBILIZE AS WAR CLOUDS GATHER!"
Through this insert we get the vague impression of war ac-
tivity. We see the movement of soldiers' feet. From the
background the second insert moves up to CAMERA ...
The first insert moves past CAMERA and the second insert
comes from the background. The headline reads:
"AMNESIA HASTENS PREPARATIONS!"
Through this insert we see the heavy wheels of army wagons
moving along. This is replaced by the the insert coming
from the background. The headlines read -
"FREEDONIA'S LEADER MAINTAINS ATTITUDE OF DIGNIFIED SILENCE!"
Bombing planes move through this insert. The front page of
the paper is turned and followed by a few other pages until
we come to the classified ad section of the paper. We see
the following advertisement:
WANTED: - A female spy.
Must be young and attractive
Apply to Office of Secretary
of War.
Above this ad we just see a few lines of another ad --
WANTED: -- A Chauffeur
Below the war nurse ad we see part of another ad in which a
cook is wanted. DISSOLVE TO -
A SHOT (in movement) of a row of shapely legs, obviously
those of very pretty girls. The CAMERA moves upward disclos-
ing the faces of the girls, who are sitting in a row in the
ante-room of the Secretary of War's office. On the door
leading to the Secretary's private office, we see the letter-
ing: PRIVATE. The CAMERA discloses only four or five of
these girls, but we know there are more in the room. Bob
appears in the doorway leading to the Secretary's office and
addresses the first girl - nearest the door.
Bob
The Secretary of War will see you next, Miss.
This girl is very pretty and has a very attractive form.
She smiles at Bob, rises and exits into the Secretary's
office. Bob closes the door behind her. The CAMERA now
moves along the row of girls and the sixth or seventh girl
in the row is Harpo, dressed as a girl. On the other side
of him are more girls. A girl to the right of him turns to
the girl beside her.
Girl
(To the girl at her right)
Did you hear the one about the woman taking a bath? ... Well,
she forgot to lock the door ... A man came in and said, "I'm
a doctor" ... The woman said, "I'm not sick" ... and the man
said, "that's all right. I'm not a doctor."
All of the girls laugh heartily at at this remark.
Harpo is laughing also. He slaps the story-teller on the leg.
Her laughter ceases instantly. She slaps him back, and gets
another slap on the leg in return. A little squeal of pain
from her and she raises her dress disclosing a bruise on her
leg just above the knee.
Girl
(To Harpo)
Look!
Harpo does so, then pulls up his own dress and points to his leg
for her to look. On his leg is tattooed a picture of two hearts
entwined with an arrow running through both. She gives Harpo
dirty look and rises - CUT TO:
Private office of Secretary of War. The office is clut-
tered with war implements, maps, etc. The examination of the
girl is in progress. She is turning around in the manner of a
clothes model. Chico is looking her over.
Chico
(To girl)
You look pretty good to me - but very still need a spy - Have you
got any credentials?
(The girl nods and pulls her dress up above her knees
revealing an attractive leg. She reaches into her
stocking for a paper.)
Chico
(Taking a very good look)
You got credentials all right.
(The girl drops her skirt and hands the paper to Chico.
Chico looks at the paper)
Chico
This is fine. Put it back.
(Hands the girl the paper. She lifts her dress above
her knees again and puts the paper back in her stock-
ing, while Chico looks on. She drops her skirt.)
Chico
I think I better take another look at that paper...
(She lifts the skirt again to get the paper, while Chico
steals another glance. The girl drops her skirt and
hands him the paper.)
Chico
(Looking at the paper)
I look this over later -- now I look you over. If you want to
be a spy, you gotta be in good condition. I better examine you.
(He takes stethoscope from his pocket, applies it to
her heart and listens.)
Chico
(Listening to girl's heart beat)
There's something wrong -- I think I'm getting Whiteman's band.
(Puts stethoscope back in his pocket and takes watch
from vest pocket. He feels her pulse while looking
at the watch)
Chico
According to my watch it's four o'clock.
(Puts watch back in his pocket)
Now look -- a woman spy is a-gotta make love to men. Come on --
let's see you make love..
(She walks over to him and lovingly strokes his hair,
puts both arms around him, then suddenly becomes very
amorous, bends him over and kisses him madly. She
lets go after a little while and Chico comes up for
air. He staggers around in a daze. Then he takes
the watch from his vest pocket, hands it to her, ex-
tends his wrist and says:
Chico
Now you feel my pulse.
Suddenly the screaming of girls is heard coming from the
anteroom, and we cut to the anteroom in the midst of confu-
sion. The girls are running helter-skelter, one or two of them
are standing on chairs with their skirts lifted above their
knees. There is a little white mouse running about the room.
Harpo is sitting innocently on the bench. The girl just inter-
viewed by Chico comes from the office, sees the mouse, screams
and joins in the general confusion. Groucho enters as the girls
are running about - zig-zags among them and continues through
the room into the private office of Chico - closing door behind
him. The girls clear out of anteroom and Harpo is left all
alone. He takes a small mouse trap from his large pocketbook,
puts it on the floor, crouches down and whistles to the mouse
in the manner of a man trying to call a dog. The mouse in
answer to the whistle runs into the trap. CUT TO -
The Secretary of War's office. Chico at the phone.
Chico
(To phone)
Send in the next girl.
(He hangs receiver up)
Groucho
By the way, are you sure we need a spy?
Chico
Sure, we gotta have a spy. If we no got a spy who's gonna tell
the other side what we're doing?
At this point, Harpo makes his entrance through the door,
carrying his unusually large pocketbook which is about the size
of a carpetbag. He walks past Groucho in a seductive manner,
swinging his bag and rolling his eyes flirtatiously. Groucho
is delighted with this action and returns the ogling.
Chico
(To Harpo)
Have you got any credentials?
Harpo lifts his dress and shows them the tattoo on his
leg of the two hearts. Groucho examines it closely.
Groucho
I don't go in much for modern art. Have you got anything by
one of the old masters?
Harpo lifts his dress above the other leg and shows a
picture of Gainsborough's "Blue Boy". Chico and Groucho arise
from the examination.
Groucho
I'm glad I didn't ask you for "Washington Crossing the Delaware".
Chico
(To Harpo)
We've gotta have somebody who knows how to get secrets from men.
-- You know how to make love?
(Harpo walks over to Chico, throws his arms around him
and starts to give him a big hug. He squeezes him very
hard. In the midst of this there is a loud report.
A startled look from Groucho and Chico. We see that
Harpo is minus one breast. He tries to affect an
innocent look when suddenly there is a second loud
report and his breasts are now as flat as a billiard table.
Just as he turns to hide the sight from Chico and Groucho,
a hissing sound is heard -- the air is leaking out of his
bustle and the bustle is becoming deflated.)
Groucho
(To Harpo)
You ought to carry a spare.
(Harpo goes to a corner of the room and keeps his back
to CAMERA. He takes a tube out of his dress front
and begins to blow. Chico and Groucho wear a puzzled
look as they watch him - the bustle starts to expand.
This inflation continues to gigantic proportions as
they look on.)
Groucho
(Looking at Harpo)
We're certainly living in a marvelous age.
(There is a terrific explosion and all of Harpo's
clothes are blown off him - leaving him in nothing
but running pants and ladies' silk stockings. His
body is literally covered with tattoos.)
Chico
(Laughing)
That's very funny...he certainly fooled me. He'll make a
good spy.
(Winks significantly at Harpo.)
(Harpo returns the wink.)
Groucho
(Examining tattoos)
If we can't use him as a spy, we can have him framed.
(He and Chico continue further examination of the
tattooed designs on Harpo's body.)
Chico
Say, that's a nice collection. You oughta have a catalogue.
(Harpo pulls a catalogue from under the belt of his
trunks and hands it to Chico. Groucho and Chico
look at the catalogue.)
Groucho
Let's take a look at number eighteen.
(Harpo reveals more of his back and shows a superb
tattooed job of a beautiful girl's head.)
Chico
(Referring to picture of girl)
Say, she's all right. You got-a her phone number?
(Harpo raises one arm and shows the phone number
tattooed right under the arm pit. He holds this
a moment, then turns and discloses a portion of
the tattooing on his chest. Groucho and Chico's
eyes shift from the telephone number to the
tattooed picture on his chest. Harpo completes
move and discloses the entire picture. It is a
country back-house with a crescent over the door.
Chico laughs uproariously.)
Chico
(Laughing)
That's a funny one!
(He slaps Harpo an the back good-naturedly.)
(TRICK SHOT on HARPO'S CHEST. The door in the out-
house flies open. The head of a real man appears
in the opening. He looks off in the direction of
Chico and mumbles incoherencies under his breath.
He is terribly angry at being interrupted. He draws
in his head, closing the door behind him.)
Chico
(To Harpo)
I think we can use you. Here's a spy glass...go ahead and
do some spying...
(Harpo takes the glasses and goes directly toward
the window. As he looks across street through
binoculars, he is grinning all over and wiggling
around like a happy kid.)
(Room across the street -- looking into the open win-
dow of a bedroom as Harpo would see it through the
binoculars. A beautiful girl is undressing, prepar-
ing to retire. After a moment of this shot CUT BACK
to Harpo looking through the binoculars. Chico takes
the binoculars from Harpo and pushes him out of the
scene, proceeds to look himself. He registers the
same satisfaction as Harpo and hands the binoculars
to Groucho. As Groucho looks through the binoculars
at the beautiful girl, Chico says:)
Chico
He's going to make a good spy...that's not bad for the
first day.
Groucho
(Turning and looking at Chico)
That's not bad for any day.
(Groucho takes a second look through the binoculars
at the beautiful girl. This time he sees Harpo
chasing the girl around the roam. This is shot
through the binoculars as before. Groucho registers
amazement as he looks through binoculars; perhaps
squints his eyes once or twice and takes second
look.)
Groucho
(To Chico)
Maybe my eyes are bad - you take a look.
(Chico takes the binoculars and looks at the room
across the street. Binocular shot as before. The
girl is in her underwear, tearing out of the room
into the hall, pursued by Harpo. Chico is still
looking through the binoculars.)
Groucho
You're right about that guy -- I think we've got some-
thing.
Chico
I don't know about us, but I know he's-a got something...
(CUT TO the front of the building occupied by the
beautiful girl. She comes dashing madly out of
the door and starts down the street, clad only in
her underwear. Harpo appears in doorway, riding
his motorcycle and starts down the street after
her.)
FADE OUT
END OF SEQUENCE "D"
SEQUENCE "E"
FADE IN to living room of Mrs. Teasdale's home... It
is a smartly appointed room. Its main feature for our pur-
poses is a winding stairway leading to bedrooms above.
In the absence of Mrs. Teasdale, Vera is seated by
fireplace while Ambassador Trentino is excitedly pacing up
and down...
Trentino
This is all Firefly's fault -- that idiot, that fool....
Vera
I thought everything was working out fine.
Trentino
Fine nothing! I didn't want war.... My plan was to marry
Mrs. Teasdale and overthrow Firefly.
Vera
Maybe you can still win the old dame over -- why not try to --
(At this point Trentino sees Mrs. Teasdale coming
downstairs and hushes Vera with a nudge.)
Mrs. Teasdale
(As she descends stairs)
I'm so sorry I've kept you waiting....
Trentino walks over to meet her.
Trentino
(Taking her hand)
Mrs. Teasdale....
(Kisses her hand)
I deeply regret the unfortunate affair with his Excellency,
but his attitude left me no alternative....
Mrs. Teasdale
(Emotionally)
To think that this should happen after all these years of
friendship.
Vera
Maybe the war can still be averted....
Mrs. Teasdale
(Hopefully)
Oh, if only it could....
Trentino
Mrs. Teasdale, I'm willing to pocket my pride and do anything
I can to make up with his Excellency.
Mrs. Teasdale
(Solicitously)
Oh, would you.... ?
Trentino
For you, I would do anything.....
(Bowing graciously)
Vera
If only we can get his Excellency to listen to reason.....
Trentino
(To Mrs. Teasdale)
Perhaps he will listen to you.....
Mrs. Teasdale
Perhaps..... I'll call him.....
She goes the phone... as she starts to dial the number
there is a quick CUT to Trentino and Vera who are exchanging
significant looks....
CUT BACK to Mrs. Teasdale at phone...
Mrs. Teasdale
(Talking into phone)
Hello, your Excellency?.... I hate to disturb you -- I know
you're a very busy man, but I must see you at once.
CUT TO Groucho at other end of telephone.... He is
lying in bed, in his flannel nightgown, eating crackers...
the bed is strewn with cracker boxes and crackers...
Groucho
(Into phone)
Why not come over here? -- You can come in the back way and
no one'll see you......
CUT BACK to Mrs. Teasdale at phone.
Mrs. Teasdale
(Into phone)
But your Excellency, you must -- oh thank you -- please
hurry....
(She hangs up phone.... and walks over to her guests)
He'll be right over....
CUT TO corner of room (Mrs. Teasdale's living room),
disclosing for the first time the fireman's pole... Groucho
comes sliding down the pole in his nightgown, with a long
box of crackers under his arm... stops about three feet from
the floor, looks around the room and sees Trentino.
Groucho
(Hanging on to pole -- addressing Trentino)
If I knew you were here I would've brought some cheese....
He shoots right up the pole again out of sight. Hold
CAMERA on this shot for an instant.... Groucho comes sliding
down again... this time he is fully dressed, including his
high hat and the cigar in s mouth.... He walks over to
Trentino belligerently, and deposits his hat on table on
the way.
Groucho
(To Trentino)
So -- you've come to ask for clemency! I'll give the enemy
no quarter -- not a dime....
Mrs. Teasdale
But Your Excellency -- the Ambassador is here on a friendly
visit.... He came to ask you to patch up the breach.
Groucho
Let him patch up his own breeches....
Trentino
(To Groucho -- ignoring Groucho's remark)
I'm sorry we lost our tempers... I'm willing to forget if
you are.
Groucho
Forget?
(Like an injured woman)
You ask me to forget... Why, my ancestors would rise from
their graves... and I'd only have to bury them again.... A
Firefly never forgets....
Trentino
I am willing to apologize... I'm willing to do anything to
prevent this war.
Groucho
Nothing doing!! I've taken a lease on the battlefield. I'd
lose my deposit, besides, I've already ordered the ammuni-
tion....
Vera
(Putting her arms around Groucho)
Oh, Your Excellency, isn't there something I can do?
Groucho
Yes, but I'll talk to you about that when we're alone....
Mrs. Teasdale
(Coming to Groucho)
Oh, won't you reconsider...
Groucho
(Relenting)
Well, maybe I am a little headstrong... But, you know, it's
awfully hard to forget what he called me.
(Indicating Trentino)
Trentino
What I called you... Why, what did I call you?
Groucho
I don't remember.
Trentino
(With a little chuckle)
Oh -- you mean... worm?
Groucho
(Smiling coyly)
No, that wasn't it....
Trentino
Was it -- swine?
Groucho
(Same attitude as above)
No...it was a seven letter word.
Trentino
(Thinking, then with a broad smile)
Oh yes! -- UPSTART!
Groucho
That's it...
(Takes gloves from Trentino's breast pocket and
socks him across the face...and puts them in his
own breast pocket. Trentino becomes apoplectic)
Trentino
(Spluttering and stuttering)
Why - er - Mrs. Teasdale - this is an outrage! This man
is impossible... My course is clear... this means war...
(Turns to go and turns and yells to Groucho)
You RUNT!
Groucho
I still like UPSTART the best.
(Trentino exits in a rage. Vera pretends that she
is overcome by the scene)
Vera
(Putting her hand to her brow)
Oh, this is dreadful! If you'll excuse me I'll go to my
room...
(She exits toward stairway)
Mrs. Teasdale
(Excited - almost hysterical)
Yes, it's awful!
(To Groucho)
Are you sure you did the right thing?
Groucho
Of course. Who ever heard of calling off a war after order-
ing all the ammunition?
By this tine Vera has descended the stairs and exited
from scene. Groucho looks around the room furtively to make
sure he is not being observed and takes a large envelope
from his inside pocket.
Groucho
The plans of war are in this envelope. I want you to take
care of them -- no one will ever suspect you.
(He hands papers to her)
CUT TO Vera lingering on stairs looking down on the
scene below. Having heard the conversation, she exits from
scene, and we CUT down stairs to Groucho and Mrs. Teasdale.
Groucho
Guard them with your life...don't leave them out of your
sight... If the enemy gets those papers we're lost. If
they don't get them, we're lost. Can't you see what I'm
trying to tell you? I love you... Mrs. Teasdale, you're
the salt of the earth. They don't come any better than
you...
Mrs. Teasdale
(Modestly, with a bashful lowering of her eyes)
Now -- er --
Groucho
Well -- they might come better but they don't come any
bigger...and the bigger the better. The bigger the betta
you've got on a horse, the more you lose, and speaking
about horses, why don't you marry me. Come, come -- say
yes and you'll never see me again. I'll go 'way if it
means your happiness...
Mrs. Teasdale
Oh, your Excellency, you take me off my feet.
Groucho puts his arms around her and tries unsuc-
cessfully to lift her off her feet.
Groucho
(Angrily)
Swell chance I've got taking you off your feet...
Mrs. Teasdale sinks down into a chair; without hesi-
tation, Groucho slides into her lap and continues his
passionate love making.
Groucho
Gloria -- may I call you Gloria?
Mrs. Teasdale
Why -- why -- of course.
Groucho
You can call me Gloria too. Gloria -- what a beautiful
name. When I was born my mother named me Gloria -- two
minutes later she found out her mistake...
CUT TO door as Bob enters. He moves in the direction
of Groucho and Mrs. Teasdale.
Bob
(Coming into scene)
Father...
Groucho
(Looks up and sees Bob...without being a bit
disturbed...remains on her lap)
Take a letter...
Bob takes out pad and pencil.
Bob
Who to?
Groucho
None of your business... Take another letter.
Groucho rises to his feet and paces the floor in
the manner of a studious business man with his hands behind
his back...then starts to dictate as Bob writes on his pad.
Groucho
Eureka Ammunition Company -- Gentlemen -- Your shipment of
sailor hats arrived this morning by freight --
(Turns to Mrs. Teasdale)
Gloria, I could go for you in a big way --
(Turns to Bob)
However, the rifles you sent were a little rusty --
(Then to Mrs. Teasdale)
-- and I don't say that to everybody --
(Now to Bob)
Have not received last month's drawing account. How come?
(To Mrs. Teasdale)
Your neck is like a swan..... Yours very truly. Now read
it back.
(Dashes back to Mrs. Teasdale's lap)
Bob
(Reading from pad)
Eureka Ammunition Company, Gentlemen. Your shipment of
sailor hats arrived this morning by freight. Gloria, I
could go for you in a big way. However, the rifles you
sent were a little rusty and I don't say that to everybody.
Have not received last month's drawing account; how come
your neck is like a swan. Yours very truly...
Groucho
(Rising to his feet)
They'll know I mean business then they get that letter...
see that that gets out immediately and that goes for you too.
Bob
Yes, sir.
(Exits from scene)
Groucho
(Turning to Mrs. Teasdale)
Gloria, much as I hate to leave, I'd be crazy to stay here.
Mrs. Teasdale
Well, if you must go --
She picks up Groucho's hat and hands it to him. He
removes a white rabbit from hat and gives it to her. He
is about to put the hat on his head when something in the
hat attracts his attention. He empties six baby rabbits
out of the hat onto the table; puts his hat on and exits.
CUT TO outside of house just as Harpo is pulling up
to the curb in his motorcycle and sidecar. Groucho comes
out of house and walks directly to motorcycle.
Groucho
(To Harpo)
I'm not taking any more chances. You sit in the sidecar...
Harpo gets off seat and sits in sidecar. Groucho
sits on driver's seat. The sound of the motor is heard and
Harpo drives off in the sidecar, leaving Groucho on the
motorcycle. FADE OUT
END OF SEQUENCE "E"
SEQUENCE "F"
FADE INTO insert of program: -
GEMS FROM THE OPERAS
PREMIER DANSEUSE
VERA TRENTINO
DISSOLVE - Through program to stage of opera house - company
singing aria from some well-known opera. CUT TO orchestra
box nearest proscenium arch. Harpo and Chico are there fast
asleep leaning on each other. They are dressed in Inverness
capes - wearing their high hats. Chico has a red band across
his shirt-front on which is embossed "Secretary of War" in
gold letters. An usher enters box with two people in the
background.
Usher
(To Chico and Harpo)
I'm sorry gentlemen - but you have the wrong seats.
Chico
(Awakening)
That's all right. We're not enjoying ourselves anyway.
Usher
You belong in that box over there -
(Pointing to vacant box on opposite side
of house - orchestra box)
Chico
(To Harpo)
Come on --
They both step out of box, onto stage and stroll cas-
ually across as singing is going on. Part of the way across,
Harpo and Chico react to the singing of a very high note --
it's practically in Harpo's ear. He stops -- makes a ter-
rible face -- takes out ear-muffs, puts them on his ears and
he and Chico continue toward the box --
CUT TO other box -- the one that Chico and Harpo are
headed for. Mrs. Teasdale and guests are being ushered in...
Chico and Harpo come into scene, arriving at box. Chico steps
into box from stage. Harpo is about to follow when he spies
a pretty girl in box above. He starts climbing up the pro-
scenium arch to upper box -- the girl sees him, screams and
dashes out of box. Harpo completes climb into box -- at this
point the singing has just finished and applause breaks out.
Harpo acknowledges the applause as if it was in appreciation
of his climb -- after a few quick bows he starts out of the
box after the girl. As he is running out of box into the
foyer he bumps into Ambassador Trentino.
Trentino
(Stopping him)
Wait a minute... Mrs. Teasdale is in the box below. The plans
of war are in her purse -- you've got to get them -- I don't
care how, but get them -- and when you do, bring them to 492
North Myrtle Road -- you'd better write that down.
Harpo takes out a pencil with heavy lead and writes the
address on the white and purple-edged silk band which is
across Trentino's shirt bosom. Then he pushes Trentino's coat
aside and from under his vest pulls the ribbon in the manner
of a ticker tape -- tears it off -- and starts back to box.
CUT TO -
Lower box -
Mrs. Teasdale
I wonder what's keeping His Excellency?
Chico
Never mind His Excellency -- you gotta your pocketbook?
Mrs. Teasdale
Yes -- why?
Chico
I wanna powder my nose....
Mrs. Teasdale laughs good-naturedly and puts the purse
behind her (between her back and the back of the chair)...
as we go to stage where the shooting of the apple in "William
Tell" is being enacted. William Tell is just placing the apple
on his son's head -- he turns his back on his son and walks
toward opposite side of stage with bow and arrow. CUT TO
upper box. Harpo takes a look at apple on the boy's head --
reaches down in box and comes up with a bow and arrow. He
takes a good aim and lets the arrow fly... It hits its mark
and the apple falls to the ground. William Tell, having ar-
rived at spot from which he's going to shoot, turns to take
aim and sees that the apple is gone. He picks up another, at
the base of an apple tree and starts in direction of his son.
CUT TO Harpo, who is watching William Tell. He reaches down
into box and brings up another arrow -- takes aim and lets
arrow fly. Again it hits its mark and the apple falls to
ground. William Tell, reaching his place, turns to take
aim and is bewildered at the sight of the second missing
apple. The tree is bare and there are no more apples around.
A whistle is heard coming over scene. William Tell turns in
direction of the whistle and we CUT TO Harpo whistling with
his fingers in his mouth. Reaching down into the box, he
brings up a bag of apples and dumps all the apples onto the
stage. CUT TO: Lower box.
Mrs. Teasdale
(Anxiously)
If his Excellency doesn't get here soon, he'll miss the whole
performance.
Chico
He's-a not missing anything. He's in the dressing room with
Vera Trentino.
(Winks at her)
Mrs. Teasdale
(Jealously)
In her dressing room? Why, what could he be doing there?
Chico
He could be playing solitaire, but I don't think so.
She jumps as if she's been goosed, and gives Chico
an indignant look as he withdraws his hand from her back.
Mrs. Teasdale
What's the matter with you?
Chico
What's the matter with you?
Mrs. Teasdale
You haven't been still a moment since you've been here.
You act as if you had neurosis --
Chico
I no gotta new-rosis. My uncle he's-a got a flower shop --
he's-a gotta new-rosis.
Mrs. Teasdale looks at him disdainfully, turns to
look at stage, and jumps again. She and Chico turn to look
at each other. She, of course, is indignant, while Chico
smiles -- his hand is coming from behind her. She takes the
purse from its hiding place and places it on the ledge of
the box out of Chico's reach. CUT TO:
Ballet dancers' dressing room. The CAMERA PANS
along, showing several of the ballet dancers limbered up by
other dancers.
(This is done as follows: - a girl stands against the wall on
one leg while another girl raises the other leg up and down.)
The CAMERA passes three or four of the girls and comes to a
stop on Vera and Groucho -- the latter is stretching her leg
in the same manner.
Vera
(With exaggerated romance)
I shall dance for you tonight as I've never danced before.
Groucho
This is a fine thing to be doing at my age.
Vera
Are you getting tired?
Groucho
(Still working leg)
Not at all. When I was a boy back on the farm I used to
pump my own water.
CUT TO: - SHOT taking in the stage and Harpo. Harpo
is in the foreground. On the stage is our hero and his valet.
Valet
(Singing to hero)
Your love is waiting for you, my lord ...
Hero
Fetch my hat - my hat - my hat --
(Harpo tosses him a large hat - possibly a fireman's
hat.)
Hero
(Continuing singing)
Fetch my boots --
(Harpo throws boots on stage)
(Hero continues)
Bring me my sword --
(Harpo throws a sword on stage --)
Hero continues his song while Harpo litters the stage
with various articles - a saddle - a chair, etc....
CUT TO box below - Chico is trying to reach for
pocketbook on ledge but can't get it. He whistles up to
Harpo. Harpo looks down and Chico pantomimes to him to get
the pocketbook, pointing to it. The singing stops and ap-
plause follows -- the orchestra starts a selection -- which
continues through following routine without any singing.
CUT TO box above. Harpo takes out a fishing pole
with a reel on it -- he unwinds reel and the line descends
near box below and lands in a man's hair -- the man occu-
pies an aisle seat in the orchestra -- near Teasdale box.
CUT TO Harpo reeling in. CUT TO man on aisle seat --
The hook has caught onto his toupe and its being pulled off
his head. CUT TO Harpo reeling in with great satisfaction
in the belief that he has the purse -- on the end of the line
comes the toupe. Harpo, astonished, looks down on the vic-
tim who, minus the toupe, now displays a shiny bald pate.
Harpo takes out his fountain pen and releases gadget. The ink
pours down on the bald spot of the man below and spreads
into the form of a toupe parted in the middle. CUT BACK
to Harpo - he places the toupe on the bare back side of
a figure of Cupid carved on the arch. He is now suddenly
attracted by something on the stage -- it is a pool with
a practical fountain in its center. Harpo digs into a
decorative flower box set in a groove in the proscenium arch.
He brings out a real live worm and baits his hook -- stands
up and casts .... the line swishes through the air and the
hook lands in the pool on the stage. The line instantly
tightens and a large carp fish is yanked out of the pool....
as the line is drawn in the fish nearly hits Mrs. Teasdale.
She covers her face with her hands. Chico takes advantage
of her action, grabs the line, removes the fish, and puts
hook on handle of purse.... then signals Harpo with a
whistle and in the manner of a construction foreman, motions
to him to start "hoisting". The line becomes taut and the
purse is yanked out of view. Mrs. Teasdale uncovers her
face and discovers that the purse is missing.
Mrs. Teasdale
(Hysterically)
My purse -- my purse is gone!
There is a buzz of excitement among the rest of
the guests as they help Mrs. Teasdale look for the purse.
Chico joins in the search. He grabs an elderly dignified
man in the party, throws back his coat and starts to frisk
him.
Chico
He no got it ---
(As he turns to frisk another man, Mrs. Teasdale
says)
Mrs. Teasdale
This is dreadful -- I must see His Excellency at once ---
(She exits from box)
CUT TO ballet dancers' dressing room, where we
find Groucho still pumping away on Vera Trentino's leg ---
Vera
Are you sure you're not tired?
Groucho
Tired! I'd like to stretch this into a week -
(Mrs. Teasdale enters the scene. The sight
shocks her but she recovers herself suf-
ficiently to hide the embarrassment.)
Mrs. Teasdale
I hope I'm not interrupting.
Groucho
(Still pumping - looks over his shoulder at
Mrs. Teasdale)
Take a seat -- you're next.
(He lets go of Vera's leg - and she exits)
Mrs. Teasdale
Your Excellency, something terrible has just happened.
Groucho
That's all right. I'll fix you right up.
(Grabs her ankle and starts to lift her leg -
she gets away from him.)
Mrs. Teasdale
My purse has been stolen -- the plans of war are in it.
Groucho
(Shouts)
WHAT ?
(Walks up and down puffing furiously on his
cigar)
Mrs. Teasdale
I -- I may be wrong, but I suspect the Secretary of War.
Groucho
(Still pacing wildly)
Don't bother me - I'm thinking ---- What was that?
Mrs. Teasdale
I said - I suspect the Secretary of War.
Groucho
(Stopping dead in his tracks)
THIS IS TREASON!!
(Strikes a pose - raising his clenched hands;
then to Mrs. Teasdale scornfully)
What a fool I was to listen to your siren song and fall a
helpless victim under the insidious spell of your ir-
resistible charms --
Mrs. Teasdale
But -
Groucho
(Paying no attention)
You satisfied your selfish whims, while nations tottered,
dynasties rocked and the world plunged headlong into a chasm
of chaos and oblivion --
(Throws her an arch look)
Not bad, eh?
(Starts for door)
CUT TO: - stage showing about eight bars Vera
Trentino's solo dance. PAN to lower box - Mrs. Teasdale's
guests are gone but Chico and Harpo are there -- Chico is
examining plans of war.
Chico
This is-a fine - you do a good job - you make-a no
trouble and you waste-a no time. Come on, we take-a the
plans to the Ambassador. You gotta the address?
(Harpo opens coat and across his shirt front
is the ribbon with "462 North Myrtle Road"
on it -- the door of the box flies open and
Groucho bounds in)
Groucho
Hands up!
(Harpo and Chico throw their hands up and
wheel around)
Chico
(Smiling)
You no gotta no gun.
Groucho
Who said I had a gun ... Gimme those plans, you paper
snatchers --
(He makes a grab at Chico -- Chico passes the
plans to Harpo - Groucho goes after Harpo -
the latter leans away over ledge of box and
holds the plans out over the stage. As
Groucho is trying to reach for the plans,
Vera dances into scene, makes a graceful
pirouette and with her outstretched hands
takes the plans from Harpo. As she dances
away she deposits the plans in her bodice...
Vera's male dancing partner enters from the wings,
walks out about four feet - stops and strikes a pose with
uplifted hand. Vera is dancing on the opposite side with
her back turned. CUT TO Groucho back stage - he sees the
dancing partner - pulls a lever on switchboard marked
"TRAP DOOR" - CUT TO stage as the dancer disappears through
floor. CUT TO shot of Vera - preparing to turn to join her
partner - she reacts as she sees -- CUT TO Groucho standing
on her partner's former spot holding the same pose ...
CUT TO full stage shot. Groucho and Vera are dancing to-
gether. During the dance Groucho tries to get the paper.
He bends her way over in an effort to make the paper drop
out of her bodice. Harpo and Chico, watching the struggle,
quickly tear off their capes and coats and leap from the
box on to stage in their shirts.
This develops into a four-cornered adagio dance.
She hands the papers to Harpo over Groucho's shoulder as she
dances with him ... Groucho rushes to Harpo and they do a
twirl together. Harpo hands the paper to Chico over
Groucho's shoulder. Groucho rushes at Chico and twirls with
him - Chico in trying to pass the papers to Vera drops them
on the floor. They all make a dive for them. Groucho gets
the papers and dashes with them to the lower box just as
Mrs. Teasdale enters same.
(The following is a close shot of Groucho and Mrs.
Teasdale). The latter standing on stage right by the box.
Groucho
(Handing paper to Mrs. Teasdale)
Here -- put these plans where no one will ever find them -
sleep on them.
CUT TO: - dressing room just as Vera, Chico and Harpo
enter.
Vera
(Apologetically)
I'm sorry boys -- I did my best -- it's all my fault.
Chico
It's not-a your fault. It's-a his fault --
(Indicating Harpo; then to Harpo accusingly)
I fix it for you to getta the plans -- you getta the plans
-- then you losa-a the plans -- now we no gotta the plans
of war ....
(Harpo lifts up his shirt and tattooed upon
him is the reproduction of the war plans ...
FADE OUT ..... )
END OF SEQUENCE "F"
SEQUENCE "G"
FADE IN - Mrs. Teasdale's living room. Night. Sub -
dued light. We begin with an EXTREME CLOSE CLOSE SHOT of a hand
depositing the plans of war in a vault. This vault is about
the height of a man, the door flush with wall. The CAMERA
TRUCKS back and discloses that the one depositing the papers
is Mrs. Teasdale -- she is in negligee. She closes the
vault door, pulls a cord, closing a pair of drapes which hide
the vault. The CAMERA PANS to the balcony above where Vera
Trentino, also in negligee, is watching the action in the
living room below. She tiptoes quietly from the scene.
Downstairs, Mrs. Teasdale turns out the center table
light and moves toward the stairway.
CUT TO Vera Trentino's bedroom. Vera comes toward
window, raises it quietly and waves a handkerchief, evidently
signalling somebody below.
CUT TO EXTERIOR of house. Chico and Harpo are waving
back to signify that they have caught the signal. The boys
try to raise the window which is located next to the main
entrance, but it is locked and they can't budge it.
Chico
(Peeved)
It's all your fault. Now we gotta steal the plans
again -- You had 'em on you..... you take a bath.... and
now we no gotta plans of war.
(They try the window again and find it hopeless)
Chico
(To Harpo)
You wait here -- I'll let you in.
Chico walks right in through the door, closes it be-
hind him and then appears at the window. He raises it from
the inside and Harpo climbs in through the window and joins
Chico.
CUT TO INSIDE. They are walking cautiously across
the room when they hear the following coming over scene --
"Psst... Psst..." They stop and look around, trying to lo-
cate the source of the sound. We CUT TO the balcony and
see Vera Trentino, still dressed in her negligee. Once more
she tries to attract them.
Vera
Psst....
The boys look up and see her.
Vera
(In a half whisper - mysteriously)
In the safe -- behind the drapes --
(Pointing in the direction of the safe)
Chico
(Also in a half whisper)
All right -- I'll meet you behind the drapes.
Vera
(In a half whisper)
No, no -- I mean the plans are in the safe.
(Pointing to safe again)
Harpo hasn't taken his eyes off of Vera during all
this, makes a sudden dash for her, as she turns to her room.
Chico stops him on the second or third step of the stairs.
Chico
Come on, we gotta no time for that.
Chico goes over to the safe and draws the curtains,
disclosing safe. Harpo follows and takes from his back
pocket a rather large electrical drill with a cord and
plug attached to it. Chico takes the cord and plugs it in-
to the wall socket.
Harpo starts to drill the safe door, making a ter-
rific noise -- the usual reaping whir-r-r of an electric
drill. Chico grabs his hand and stops him from drilling.
Chico
Wait a minute.... we make too much noise.... Turn on the
radio so they can't hear what we're doing.
Harpo goes over to radio and turns it on.... a
dance tune comes over the air. Harpo grabs Chico and whirls
him around as if he were dancing with a dame....
Chico
(Jerking himself away from Harpo)
What's-a matter, you crazy.... ?
Chico goes to radio and adjusts dial to another
station.... the following comes over the air....
Radio Police Announcer
Calling car 125.... car 125..... go to vacant lot at Tenth
and Elm.... a woman walking around in her nightgown ---
Harpo drops the drill and makes a wild dash for door
obviously to go to the woman... Chico stops him.
Chico
Come on, we gotta finish the job.....
Radio Police Announcer
Calling car 67-W..... car 67-W..... go to Mrs. Teasdale's
residence... burglars are attempting to break in.
Chico rushes to phone.... and dials..... This shot
excludes Harpo.
Chico
(Into phone -- after slight pause)
Hello -- Police department.... ? That fellow's crazy....
we're in the house already.....
Chico turns to listen to the next announcement -
hanging onto receiver.
Radio Announcer
The Teasdale residence is located at 232 Poloma Drive....
Chico
(Into phone)
You'll never find us, you gotta the wrong address... we're at
235 Poloma Drive.... not 232... Look, it's a white house
with a shingle roof -- shingle -- shingle --
(and sings to illustrate)
Shingle bells, shingle bells, shingle all the way ....
(Stops singing)
That's it, you got it... Hurry up, if no get-a here soon,
we can't wait....
(Hangs up... looks around for Harpo, who is
not there...)
Chico
Hey, Skippy....
(Puts his fingers to mouth and whistles.)
CUT TO Vera's bedroom. It is a CLOSE SHOT showing
Vera in bed, shot from side of bed. She is under the bed-
covers desperately trying to keep them from being pulled
off her.... TRUCK back disclosing Harpo on the other end of
the bedcovers, trying to pull them off her... for a moment
following, a tug of war goes on, Harpo pulling the covers
about a foot his way and Vera pulling them back... The
sound of Chico's second whistle coming over scene attracts
Harpo, who lets go of the covers and runs out of the room.
We pick him up outside of the room on balcony. Without
hesitation he slides down the bannisters to join Chico who
is waiting at foot of stairs.
Chico
(Exasperated)
Hey, you never get the safe open that way.
(Looking up at Vera's room)
We gotta try the combination... You gotta the combination?
Harpo nods and takes from under his coat a woman's
silk combination... winks and looks back in the direction of
Vera's room.... Chico snatches it out of his hand and
throws it away.
During above Mrs. Teasdale has come out on balcony,
sees the boys but can't distinguish them in the room which
is practically in darkness except for a few splotches of
moonlight. She runs back into her room... CUT TO Mrs.
Teasdale's room... she is at telephone dialing a number...
Mrs. Teasdale
(After a slight nervous pause)
Hello? Your Excellency? There are burglars in the house...
I want you to come right over.
CUT TO Groucho's bedroom. He is at the other end
of the phone in bed.
Groucho
(Into phone)
You come over here. There are no burglars in my house.
CUT BACK to Mrs. Teasdale at phone.
Mrs. Teasdale
(Into phone)
But Your Excellency, you must -- I tell you there are
burglars here.... oh, thank you.... Please hurry....
CUT TO Chico and Harpo in living room below at safe.
Harpo has just finished putting a stick of dynamite in the
door of safe....
Chico
Light it.... Now we blow him up....
Harpo strikes a match, but Chico stops him from
lighting it.
Chico
Wait a minute.... we gotta fix it so it don't make-a so
much noise.... What-a we do?
Harpo takes out a large wad of cotton, tears it,
hands two pieces to Chico.... they both stuff their ears
with large pieces.
Chico
That's fine... Now, nobody hear the noise.
Harpo lights fuse... each stands on either side of
safe door waiting for the explosion... after a slight
pause, there is a terrific blast of sound... and the
screen is masked with smoke. The smoke clears away and
the safe door falls to the floor. Groucho walks out of
the safe putting the plans of war in his inside pocket...
After a few steps he stops and addresses the boys...
Groucho
That woman is crazy.... there are no burglars around here...
FADE OUT
END OF SEQUENCE "G"
SEQUENCE "H"
FADE IN - to insert of newspaper which comes from background
to CAMERA. A screaming headline reads:
WAR DECLARED!!
This insert goes past the CAMERA as another newspaper comes
from the background. The headline reads: -
"ENEMY APPROACHING CAPITOL"
DISSOLVE to Groucho's office. Groucho is standing in front
of his desk reading a newspaper, which is spread over his desk.
The headline is the same as in the second insert -
"ENEMY APPROACHING CAPITOL"
Harpo is standing at the other side of the desk.
Groucho
(Pounding his desk)
They're coming.....
(He recites the following command to Harpo)
RIDE THROUGH EVERY VILLAGE AND TOWN
WAKE EVERY CITIZEN UP HILL AND DOWN
TELL THEM THE ENEMY COMES FROM AFAR
WITH A HEY-NONNY-NONNY AND A HA-CHA-CHAR
CAMERA TRUCKS back disclosing a real horse beside Harpo.
Groucho
There'll be two lamps in the steeple if they're coming by
land and one lamp if they're coming by sea.
He and Harpo go to the window and look out.
CUT TO SHOT of a steeple with three lighted lamps -
CUT BACK to Groucho and Harpo
Groucho
They double-crossed me.... they're coming by land and sea --
Be off, my lad!
With a grand gesture, Groucho exits out of scene.
Harpo grips pommel of the saddle with both hands and in his
attempt to make a flying mount, vaults clear over the horse
landing on the other side. He lets down a rope ladder from
under the saddle, climbs the ladder, mounts the horse and
starts off.
DISSOLVE to CLOSE UP of Harpo riding at breakneck
speed. As he looks grimly ahead he reaches down out of scene
and brings up a three-cornered colonial hat and puts it on
his head.
DISSOLVE to a Moving Insert - Harpo bringing the
horse to a stop in front of a farm house. He blows a blast
on a regular army bugle... immediately a few old men rush
out of the house in their nightgowns, carrying guns, and
into the scene from all directions rush other men, answering
the call, similarly attired. Harpo starts his horse and
we DISSOLVE to him pulling up to another farm house.
This house has a single door on the extreme end of it
and a very large French window covering almost the rest of
the house. Harpo stops and sounds the bugle call. This time
there is no answer to his call. He waits a second, then
turns his horse in the direction of the house and rides
through the single door. After a short pause, the doors of
the French window fly open and the horse runs out pulling a
double bed which is on wheels. Harpo is standing at the
foot of the bed, braced against the bedpost, holding the
reins. There is an old couple, man and woman, fast asleep
in the bed - (This couple might be the blase gentleman and
young wife used by Peter Arno in his cartoons.) After riding
a few feet Harpo leaps from the bed onto the horse's back
and rides off leaving the bed and its occupants on the road.
DISSOLVE to Harpo pulling up to another farm house.
He stops, sounds his bugle. A very pretty young girl, in
her night clothes pokes her head out of the second story
window. Harpo takes a good look at her, leaps off his horse
and dashes into the house. A moment later he comes out of
the house with a feed bag and puts it on the horse's head....
then he dashes back into the house again. Almost instantly
he comes tearing out of the house, followed by an old geezer
in his nightgown, who is chasing him, with rifle in hand...
He fires a few shots -
DISSOLVE:
END OF SEQUENCE "H"
[SEQUENCE "J"]
DISSOLVE through the shooting of previous scene to STOCK SHOT
of artillery fire on battle field - a profile SHOT with all
the activity of an actual battle, but without an indication
of falling men. DISSOLVE from this to interior of Groucho's
headquarters behind the front - a wooden shack. The sound of
a distant booming of guns is heard over this scene. On the
wall is a large war map with colored thumb tacks indicating
the positions of Groucho's men and the enemy.
Groucho, in the uniform of a Confederate General, (a
Robert E. Lee make-up), is studying the war map with a few
of his Generals.
Groucho
(Looking at a tack in a distant sector)
Either there's a fly in the room or we've got a soldier in
Africa.
The door flies open and Bob, in a snappy uniform,
enters excitedly and breathlessly. He faces Groucho with a
quick salute and a click of the heels.
Bob
(Taking a dispatch from under his belt)
A dispatch from the front, sir.
Groucho snatches the dispatch from Bob's hand, tears
it open -- reads it quickly -- claps his hand to his brow
and staggers. The generals crowd about him.
A General
(Solicitously)
Bad news, sir?
Groucho
Bad news -- its disastrous!
A few Generals
(Simultaneously)
What is it?
Groucho
(Reading from dispatch)
Private Moscowitz quits!
(Groucho rushes to radio operator)
Groucho
Clear all wires...
(The operator works key)
Groucho
The enemy has taken Hill 25, throwing twelve Hill-billies
out of work... Our front is exposed to the enemy -- we'll
have to bring up the rear...
(Turning away, then turning back to Generals and
continuing)
P.S. Have misplaced flag of truce ... look in upper left-
hand drawer of my bureau...
The whining of an approaching shell is heard and
a shell about three feet long comes sailing through the open
window, speeds through the room and tears through the oppo-
site wall, leaving a clean-cut hole. Groucho rushes to win-
dow and closes it.
CUT TO:
SHOT of No Man's Land, with shells exploding in all
directions. We see a head slowly appearing over the edge
of shell-hole, looking through spy-glasses. It is Harpo...
CUT TO:
Inside of shell hole ...
Harpo registers that he has seen something of startl-
ing interest. He drops the glasses, scrambles out of
shell-hole and runs out of scene. He rushes to his waiting
motorcycle (without the side-car).
The staff with the flag flying from it is attached
to the handle-bars. He leaps onto the motorcycle seat and
starts off.
CUT TO:
A war nurse, attracted by the roar of the motorcycle.
She looks back, sees Harpo approaching and breaks into a run.
As he closes in on her, she jumps into a trench to escape
him. Harpo rides on a little further to the entrance of the
trench and turns in, to continue his pursuit. A TRUCKING
SHOT shows only the flag and staff, tearing along above the
surface, with the accompanying roar of the motorcycle which
is hidden from view. As it speeds along, soldiers are leap-
ing up out of the trenches on every side to avoid being run
down. This continues doing a zig-zag with abrupt turns...
CUT BACK TO:
Groucho's headquarters. Groucho is discovered there
alone, stropping his sword on a razor strap attached to his
desk. Chico enters... goes to time-clock on wall, puts his
workman's card in it and punches it. Groucho, attracted by
the bell of the time-clock, stops stropping and walks over
to Chico, with sword in hand.
Groucho
Late again, eh? You haven't been on time once since this
war started...
(Puts sword in sheath)
Get out there and fight...
(Pointing commandingly in direction of battle field)
Chico
I can't do it...
Groucho
(Surprised)
Why not? You're the Secretary of War, aren't you?
Chico
Yes, but I'm not working for you any more. I'm on the other
side.
Groucho
(Like a surprised child)
Is that so? I used to think you were two-faced - but you
can't be - or you wouldn't be wearing that one. Now - let's
talk this thing over.
(Groucho sits down at desk and Chico pulls up another
chair and sits at opposite side of desk facing
Groucho)
Groucho
(Blowing out a puff of smoke)
Now -- how many men you got in your army?
Chico
Well, we gotta one hundred thousand men.
Groucho
That's not fair -- we've only got fifty thousand.
Chico
That's all right. We let you have twenty-five thousand
men -- and we both start even.
Groucho
(Enthusiastically)
That's the spirit -- fifty-fifty.
Chico
No. Seventy-five -- seventy-five.
Groucho
Well, we'll let that one go. Now -- how many battalions you
got?
Chico
We gotta two battalions and one Frenchman.
Groucho
I wish you were still working for me, so I could ask you to
resign. How're ya fixed for cavalry?
Chico
I've gotta five thousand men but no horses.
Groucho
That's funny, we've got five thousand horses but no men.
Chico
That's all right -- our men can ride your horses.
Groucho
Not a bad idea. If our horses get tired they can ride your
men for a change.
(Chico nods agreeingly)
Now, I don't mind letting you have our horses, but you must
promise to put them through their manoeuvers.
Chico
Oh, sure. We have horse manoeuvers every morning.
At this point, an unusually large shell comes crash-
ing from above, imbedding itself, point down, in the floor
without exploding. Groucho and Chico rush over to look
at it.
Groucho
(Looking at shell)
Acme Ammunition Company, eh? How do you expect to win the
war with shells that don't go off? Now, if you were buying
your stuff from me, you wouldn't have that trouble. Eureka
Ammunition is guaranteed to explode -- or your money back.
Let me show you some samples.
(Groucho opens door and yells to some one outside)
Groucho
Bring in No. 47, line 8.
(Harpo enters, bent forward, tugging at a rope which
tightens over his shoulder, in the manner of a
Volga Boatman... at the end of the rope is a cannon,
on two wheels)
Groucho
(Pointing to gun)
That's our latest number... our sixteen-inch Horowitz gun.
(To Harpo)
Load it up.
Harpo pours a great quantity of powder into the
cannon, then to make sure he has enough, he lights a match
and looks into the hole. Groucho takes the lighted match
from Harpo. He lights his own cigar, hands the match back
to Harpo. Harpo pours in a little more powder, makes sure
he has enough, then proceeds to ram the powder in the barrel
with his horn. He rises and moves to wall toward which the
cannon is pointed. He draws a target on the wall with a
piece of chalk -- goes back to cannon. He picks up the
firing string, and faces the target toward which the cannon
is pointing. Chico puts his fingers into his ears. Groucho
picks up a pencil from desk - taps it on desk - then raises
both hands, in the manner of an orchestra leader. He holds
this pose for a second - and on the down beat, Harpo jerks
the string and there is a terrific explosion. The cannon
fires out the back end instead of the front and blows a
hole through the back wall. The two stare off in the direc-
tion of the hole. Groucho turns to Chico.
Groucho
With a gun like that you can kill some of your own men.
Chico
That's-a pretty good. I'll take a dozen of them.
Groucho
Anything else?
(Writing order on pad)
Chico
(Mentally figuring)
Yes, one gross of bullets, two dozen hand-grenades, three
kegs of powder -- and throw in some matches.
Groucho
(Writing)
Fine. We'll throw in the matches before we make the delivery.
By the way, how're you fixed for spys?
Chico
Fine. We gotta him.
(He indicates Harpo)
Groucho
So! -- He's on your side, too.
Chico
Sure.
Groucho
Well, with you two fellows on the other side, this country
should have no trouble keeping the wolf from the door.
(Harpo opens the door and discloses a dozen or more
snarling wolves at the door.)
CUT TO - INTERIOR enemy headquarters. The booming of distant
guns comes over the scene. Trentino is there with a Sylvanian
general.
General
Something must be done immediately. The soldiers are getting
discouraged.
Trentino
There's only one thing to do... we must capture Firefly.
General
But how? It's a very dangerous undertaking.
Trentino
(Standing near widow)
Ask for volunteers. Some one must make the sacrifice --
someone --
(Stops to gaze out of window attracted by
off scene roar of motor)
Here comes Chicolini. Maybe he'll do it.
(Walks away from window)
Unless we can make Firefly our prisoner, we're lost.
(Chico enters. Trentino rushes over to him)
Trentino
Chicolini, you've come just in time. We need a man who's fear-
less, brave. A man who's willing to die, if necessary.
Chico
All right -- I'll go out and find one.
Trentino
Firefly must be captured at any cost.
Chico
That's easy, I'll get him for you wholesale.
Trentino
It must be done right away.
Chico
I can't do it right away.
General
Why not?
Chico
I got a date with a General's wife.
General
Isn't that a little dangerous?
Chico
(To General)
Not unless you find it out.
CUT TO:
Interior of Groucho's headquarters. Groucho is on his
feet addressing five or six generals, who are seated. Zeppo is
at the desk writing the minutes of the meeting.
Groucho
Boys, I hate to do this, but if you generals want this war to
continue you'll have to take a cut --
(Bursting of a shell is heard right outside of shack.
Groucho rushes to the window, opens it, fires a shot
from his revolver through the window, hurriedly shuts
it, then rushes back to Generals)
Groucho
We can't afford to pay the money we've been paying. Now I don't
want to lay anybody off. My motto in this war is: - "Live and
let live".
(The bursting of another shell is heard right outside
of shack. Groucho rushes to the window, opens it,
turns his back to window, takes out a pocket mirror,
holds it up in front of him and shoots over his shoul-
der out of window, taking his aim from the reflection
in the mirror, like a trick marksman. As Groucho
walks away from window, he hears another explosion out-
side. He rushes back to the window, takes a package
of small firecrackers out of his pocket, detaches one
of the firecrackers, lights it from his cigar and
throws it out of the window. A very small explosion
is heard. Groucho hurriedly shuts the window and
rushes back to the generals, as we - CUT TO:
THE OUTSIDE - A LONG SHOT of a dirigible (miniature) --
then we go to a CLOSE UP of the dirigible. On the
bag, in large letters, is printed --
SYLVANIA
G-62
The CAMERA PANS DOWN to the cabin of the dirigible.
Chico and Harpo are standing at the open door looking
down.)
Chico
Look! That's-a Firefly's headquarters.
(Pointing down)
We catch him right now.
(Harpo reaches back into the cabin, picks up an enor-
mous hook and throws it out. The rope that is at-
tached to the hook starts playing out rapidly.
CUT TO --
LONG SHOT (miniature of dirigible and rope dangling
from it)...
Then CUT TO - SHOT of rope and hook as it approaches
Groucho's headquarters. It hooks onto the roof of
the shack and raises it off the ground. CUT TO -
LONG SCOT - (miniature of dirigible carrying the
shack through the air.)
CUT TO - inside of headquarters.
Groucho
(To generals)
Gentlemen, the overhead is killing us. Everything is going up.
If we don't watch ourselves, we'll come down with a crash.
Now -- all those in favor of taking a cut say "aye"...
One General
(Protesting)
But Your Excellency!
Groucho
Carried unanimously.
(CUT TO - SHOT of dirigible carrying the shack.
The shack just clears a steeple by a few inches.
CUT TO - INSIDE of headquarters.)
Groucho
Now go right out there and fight.
(To one general)
You go out there and relieve General Beauregard, and while
you're at it, see what General Motors is doing.
(The general, without saluting, exits out of door and
closes door behind him.)
Groucho
(To another general)
Call him back -- he didn't salute me.
(The second general exits out of door without saluting,
closing door behind him.)
Zeppo
Father, he didn't salute you either.
Groucho
(Angrily)
Attention!
(The remaining generals jump to their feet, stand at
attention and salute.)
Groucho
Go out there -- all of you -- and bring those generals back --
dead or alive.
(All of the generals exit through to door; the
last one closing door behind him.)
Groucho
Why don't those generals come back?
Zeppo
I'll call them.
Groucho
Never mind, I'll go after them myself.
(Groucho goes to door, pulls it open, starts out --
CUT TO -
EXTERIOR OF SHACK (against sky backing).
Groucho is seen in the open doorway. He comes out
and walks down the steps (there are three steps
attached to entrance of door, with railing on each
side. Groucho is about to step off into space. He grabs
the railing and hangs by his hands.)
Groucho
Hey, Junior!
(Zeppo rushes to door and pulls him up by the hands.
CUT TO -
Inside as Zeppo finishes pulling Groucho in. Groucho
scrambles to his feet, rushes to window, leans out of
window backwards and looks up.
CUT TO -- SHOT of dirigible as seen by Groucho.
CUT BACK inside of shack as Groucho pulls in his
head.)
Groucho
Get my rifle.
(Zeppo runs for rifle...)
Groucho
I'll get rid of them.
(Zeppo returns and hands rifle to Groucho. Groucho
leans out of the window backwards and shoots up into
the air... CUT TO - dirigible (miniature) as the bag
explodes. The smoke fills the screen. As the smoke
clears away we see Groucho and Zeppo descending side
by side in two parachutes (against sky background.)
Groucho
(To Zeppo)
Take a letter.
(Zeppo takes out pad and pencil)
Zeppo
To whom?
Groucho
To whom it may concern... Dear Gloria: The air has done me a
world of good. I am five thousand feet above sea level speeding
home to you. Can you arrange to meet me at twenty-five hundred
feet? -- which is only asking you to meet me half way. Don't
be surprised if I drop in on you any minute... Your fun-loving
Dictator.
(Groucho and Zeppo descend out of scene, as Harpo and
Chico come into scene from above, both suspended
from the ropes of their parachutes... They are in a
sitting position, with a board across their knees,
playing cards...)
FADE OUT
END OF SEQUENCE "J"
SEQUENCE "K"
FADE IN - to a group of notables standing around a
large table. Among them are Mrs. Teasdale and Zeppo. Groucho
is the guest of honor, very gaily attired for the occasion.
As we FADE INTO this scene, they are singing -
All
(Singing)
Hail, hail, Freedonia...
Land of the brave and free!
Zeppo
MY DAD IS MUCH TOO GREAT FOR HIS POSITION
WITHOUT A QUESTION.
I'D LIKE TO OFFER THIS WITH YOUR PERMISSION
AS A SUGGESTION:
I REALLY THINK HE SHOULD BE KING!
All
WE REALLY THINK HE SHOULD BE KING!
Zeppo
I REALLY THINK HE SHOULD BE KING!
All
HE SHOULD BE KING!
Solo
AND WEAR A CROWN AND EVERYTHING.
All
AND EVERYTHING.
Solo
I REALLY THINK HE SHOULD BE KING!
All
HE SHOULD BE KING!
Groucho
FROM WHAT I HAVE BEEN GATHERING,
I THINK THEY THINK I SHOULD BE KING:
I THINK THEY THINK I SHOULD BE KING!
All
HE SHOULD BE KING!
Groucho
AND WEAR A CROWN AND EVERYTHING.
All
AND EVERYTHING.
HE SHOULD BE KING!
(Then follows a musical interlude during
which Groucho says: -
Groucho
(Speaking to audience)
You know I think they think I should be king.
(Then turning to the guests - singing)
ALTHOUGH IT WOULD PLEASE ME TO GOVERN THE THRONG,
SUPPOSE I WERE KING
AND THEN EVERYTHING WENT WRONG.
Mrs. Teasdale
THE KING CAN DO NO WRONG!
All
THE KING CAN DO NO WRONG!
THE KING CAN DO NO WRONG!
(They all sit)
Groucho
OF COURSE YOU'RE ALL AWARE
A KING MUST HAVE AN HEIR
SOME ONE TO PASS THE FAMILY NAME ALONG
WILL SOME ONE TELL ME WHERE I'D EVER GET AN HEIR
IF A KING CAN DO NO WRONG
All
(Standing up)
THE KING CAN DO NO WRONG!
(They all sit down)
Groucho
SUPPOSE A PRETTY DAME
INTO MY CASTLE CAME -
AND LET US SAY THAT I WAS GOING STRONG.
SHE MIGHT BE STUCK ON ME,
BUT WHAT GOOD WOULD IT BE,
IF THE KING CAN DO NO WRONG.
All
(Standing up)
THE KING CAN DO TO WRONG!
(Sitting down)
Groucho
KING SOLOMON WAS GAME
HE GAVE EACH GIRL HIS NAME
TO NUMBER THEM WOULD MAKE A LIST THAT LONG
I'LL BET HIS THOUSAND WIVES LED MISERABLE LIVES
IF THE KING CAN DO NO WRONG.
All
(Remaining seated)
WE REALLY THINK HE SHOULD BE KING
AND WEAR A CROWN AND EVERYTHING.
Groucho
THEY THINK I SHOULD -
THEY THINK I SHOULD -
THEY THINK I SHOULD -
THEY THINK I SHOULD BE KING.
(Applause)
Mrs. Teasdale rises.
Mrs. Teasdale
My dear friends, in time of peace we should forgive those who
fought against us, and so, I have invited our former enemies.
(Applause)
(CUT TO door, as it is being opened by two pages.
Trentino and Vera enter. They both stop and bow
in acknowledgment of the applause coming over scene.
As they walk toward table and out of scene, Chico
and Harpo enter. The latter is carrying a carpet
runner, rolled up under his arm. He flips the
carpet runner away from him on the floor, holding
onto one end. It rolls out and Harpo strides
majestically down its length toward the table with
Chico following. Harpo pauses, brings to light a
cuspidor from under his coat, puts it on the
carpet and spits into it, and continues on, follow-
ing Chico, who is now ahead of him. Harpo breaks
into a run and he and Chico dash madly to the
table. They take seats on either side of Groucho
and without hesitating, start to eat the food in
front of them. The guests are standing. Trentino
and Vera arrive at their places and everyone sits
down.)
(Harpo reaches for a large service plate with a
pretty picture on it, pushes his plate away, breaks
the service plate with a knife... it breaks into
little pieces like a jig-saw puzzle. He mixes the
pieces up, and then starts to put them together again
... Groucho watches him... then helps him...)
Groucho
(Stopping Harpo as he tries to fit a piece)
No, no, this is the one...
(Picking up a piece and placing it...)
(A waiter places a dish of tasty food in front of
Groucho... he is just about to dig into it with his
knife and fork when Harpo turns the table toward
himself. This brings Groucho's food to Harpo, and
Chico's empty plate to Groucho...)
Groucho
That was awfully good, I think I'll have a second helping...
waiter...
(Snapping his finger to waiter off scene. The waiter
immediately appears placing a second dish in front
of Groucho. He starts to dig his knife and fork in-
to it again when Chico turns the table toward him-
self... This brings his food to Chico... Harpo lifts
his plate up and puts it down again when the table
stops turning... this time Groucho has nothing in
front of him...)
Groucho
If I don't stop eating I'll get indigestion...
A Woman Guest
(To the left of Chico... to Chico)
Would you mind passing the salt?
Chico
(Yelling to Harpo)
Hey, she wants some salt...
(Harpo takes salt shaker from man to his right,
places it in front of himself and gives the table
a quick turn toward the woman next to Chico...
Groucho is still without food. He rises and looks
about table... sees a dish of food in front of
Trentino, who is seated at opposite side of table...
Trentino is eating.)
Groucho
(Yelling to Trentino)
Ambassador, how's the food?
Ambassador Trentino
(Looking up and turning in direction of Groucho)
It's delicious, Your Excellency.
Groucho
That's all I wanted to know.
(He gives the table a quick turn and Trentino's
plate disappears as it spins around toward Groucho...
Just as it gets to Harpo, he lifts up the plate...
the table goes on a few feet more and when it stops,
Harpo puts down his plate and starts to eat...
again Groucho has nothing... Groucho picks up his
napkin and wipes his mouth.)
Groucho
I couldn't eat another thing.
(He stands up)
Ladies and gentlemen, I want to introduce to you a man who is
a prince of good fellows, generous to a fault, his own worst
enemy and a devil in his own home-town...
(Applause... Groucho steps up on the table)
Groucho
Thanks, I didn't expect to be called upon... However, in con-
clusion I want to tell you that I promised Mrs. Teasdale I'd
marry her if we won the war.... Well, we won the war and I'm
stuck..... to the victor belongs the spoils....
(The table starts to turn slowly.... Groucho
starts to walk in opposite direction.... staying
in same place.)
In union there is strength.....
(The table moves a little faster .... Groucho in-
creases his pace accordingly..... CUT TO Harpo
and Chico now seated beside each other turning the
table.... CUT BACK to Groucho....)
Groucho
I feel that we are taking a step in the right direction, and
that's what I call balling the Jack......
(Speed of table turning increases. Groucho keeping
pace against it in tread-mill fashion....)
Now is not the time for political temporizing, all interests
must be sacrificed for the common weal....
(CUT TO Harpo and Chico turning table.... faster and
faster.... We CUT BACK to Groucho who is now
galloping to keep his spot but he's not going any
place)
All those who want to place their money on the wheel, step in-
side, faint heart never won fair lady.... Money won't grow in
your pocket like the hair on your head and now is the time for
all good men to come to the aid of their party.
(This FADES OUT on a shot with Groucho running madly,
and gesticulating, taking in Harpo and Chico turning
the table......)
END OF SEQUENCE "K"
THE END