Bean (1997)

INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  BOARDROOM - DAY

A very grand room, with lots of wood and some very famous portraits 
round the walls.

A group of grave gentlemen and gentlewomen.  They are the trustees of 
the National Gallery.  LORD WALTON, a very grand man, sits at the table 
head.  To his right sits his assistant, GARETH.  All are deep in 
thought.  LORD WALTON fidgets with a pencil on the table.  He raises 
his head as though about to speak.  Everyone looks up expectantly.  
And... LORD WALTON goes back to fidgeting.  So does everyone else.

CUT TO:

CREDIT.  POLYGRAM & WORKING TITLE PRESENT.
CUT TO:

INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  BOARD ROOM - DAY

The scene is as silent and static as we left it Last... then:

GARETH
I suppose we could just sack him.
CUT TO:

EXT.  MR BEAN'S STREET.  DAY

Mr BEAN comes out of his house, ready to face the world-

He walks up the street, tutting slightly at a 'NO PARKING' sign he 
passes.  The street is totally car-free except for a very visible lime 
green mini.  A policeman strolls by and glances down at a pair of legs 
sticking out from under it, next to a toolbox.  He moves on, satisfied 
that someone is mending their car.

BEAN approaches the car and whips out the fake legs he left there.  He 
then unlocks the big padlock that secures the car door, pops the fake 
legs inside, fiddles with something else in the back seat, and drives 
away at a frightening speed with a smug look on his face.

The Theme Music - big and dramatic - begins, as do the rest of the 
credits.

BEAN gaily motors on - then unexpectedly the sweeping theme tune jumps, 
as if it has hit a scratch: the cinema audience should be worried 
there's a sound fault.

BEAN comes to a street full of sleeping policemen ~ he goes at them at 
quite a lick - and every time he shoots over one of the bumps, the 
theme tune jumps violently.

BEAN looks a little annoyed into the back seat - we now see the cause 
of the problem.  Instead of having a car radio, BEAN has an old record 
player strapped into the back seat, playing the theme tune.

On he drives, through empty streets - then JOLT - he's reached the 
glorious familiarity of Central London, Big Ben and all - but heels now 
in dreadful traffic.

Heels not happy.  He looks to the left and sees a very thin alleyway.  
He takes out a metal comb from his pocket and, using it like a bomber's 
sight-line-checker, measures the front of his car and the width of the 
alley.  He 'S satisfied - does a 90-degree turn - and shoots down the 
alley.  It is such a perfect fit that sparks fly from the door handles 
as they graze the walls.

But at the end of the alley, the traffic's just as bad.  BEAN notices 
he's outside Harrods.  There's a tail-coated Security Guard at the 
'front door.  BEAN watches him stroll a bit down the street - and takes 
his chance.  He turns and drives straight through the double doors, 
into the store.

2


INT.  HARRODS.  DAY.

BEAN and his car whizz through the ground floor, past perfume counters 
and leather glove racks.

CUT TO a Security Guard.  As he passes one of the counters, BEAN's 
little car just shoots behind him.  The Guard continues through the 
Children's section there are giant elephants and teddies, children's 
size cars, then two huge plastic tractors - and then, stock still, 
strangely in harmony actually, the Lime Green Mini with BEAN in it.  
The Guard walks straight past.

The moment he is gone, BEAN shoots off again - but, damn!, spies 
another Guard and is forced to turn and drive down some very steep 
stairs indeed.  The theme song goes CRAZY as the record player jumps.

CUT TO:

6 people waiting at a gilded lift.  They hear a strange sound, and turn 
to see what it is.  In fact, it's coming from inside the lift.  When 
the lift doors open, out shoots the Mini through the double doors and 
back into the street.

3


EXT.  KNIGHTSBRIDGE.  DAY.

Out in the street, BEAN is faced by an accident.  There are flashing 
lights, a crumpled car, suggestions of hurt passengers.  BEAN looks 
concerned.

CUT TO:
EXT.  THE STRAND.  DAY.

An Ambulance roars through the traffic.  It reaches its hospital, turns 
off, and there, right smack behind it is the Mini.  Cut in to see BEAN, 
smiling broadly.  He whizzes into Trafalgar Square, maybe even across 
it, sending pigeons and tourists flying, and parks directly outside the 
statuesque National Gallery.  Of course, there's not another car there.  
Just the Gallery and the mini.

CUT TO:

EXT.  NATIONAL GALLERY - DAY

BEAN gets out of the car, takes out his bag - thinks a little, opens it 
and takes out a "Doctor on Call' sign.  To re-enforce it, he puts a 
bone in the back window and a skull of the front seat.  Happy with the 
arrangement, he re-locks the padlock and sets off smiling up the big, 
stairs to work.

As he does so, pan up the building, and into the window of the room 
where that Board meeting was taking place.

CUT TO:
INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  BOARDROOM - DAY

GARETH
Look, I don't hate the man but ...

LORD WALTON
I know, Gareth.  It's the mental strain he inflicts on us all.  How is 
Professor Bradbury

A grand gentleman, MR MORRISON, pipes up.

I'm MORRISON
Heels got the feeling back in his fingers - but his hands are still 
stapled together.

LORD WALTON
Mmmm, and how far are we with the computer, Hubert?


4


HUBERT
Timothy is loading the final catalogue data as we speak, Milord.  An 
awful thing to say, but when the program's up and running our, Mr. Bean 
will become a little less than .... useful?

A glimmer of hope.



INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  PORTRAIT SECTION - DAY

BEAN wanders past three or four portraits and mimics the characters in 
them.  He passes a guard.

GUARD
(not looking up from his book)
Morning, Bean.

The GUARD sighs with boredom.  He gets this from BEAN every day.  As 
Bean moves on, he treads on the heel of a tourist's shoe.  It comes 
off- BEAN moves on blithely.

CUT TO:

INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  CARTOON ROOM ENTRANCE - DAY

BEAN is passing the very special room where Leonardo Da Vinci's 
cartoon, 'The Virgin and Child', hangs, preserved by a very dim 
artificial light.  There are silhouettes of a few tourists in the room 
reverently studying the work, listening to a female GALLERY GUIDE.

BEAN dips into his pocket for his identity badge and in so doing brings 
out a coin.  The coin drops and rolls into the special room.  BEAN 
follows it into the darkness.

GALLERY GUIDE
(hushed)
... by Leonardo Da Vinci.  As you can see, the special light in here 
goes some way to protect the drawing from photodisintegration caused by 
gamma ...

The camera stays outside the room with the picture in view.  We hear 
the squeak of a tiny door open, then a click.  The room is suddenly 
flooded in blazing white light.  The onlookers gasp in horror.

5

BEAN re-emerges from the room with his precious coin.  As an 
afterthought he pops his hand round the doorway and turns off the 
light.  He scuttles away.  The GALLERY GUIDE shakes her head in total 
exasperation.
CUT TO:
INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  BOARDROOM - DAY

GARETH
Maybe it would be simpler to pack all our paintings onto trucks and 
move the entire National Gallery somewhere else.  And not tell him.

HUBERT
Seconded.  We could all move to France.

GEORGE
All those in favour.

They all raise their hands wildly.

LORD WALTON
Come on - settle down everyone.
CUT TO:
INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  ELEVATOR - DAY

BEAN stands in the elevator silently with four other people.  He gives 
himself a long squirt of breathfreshener.  Then offers it to the 
others, who politely refuse him.  So he stands still again.  Pause.  
BEAN then smells something unpleasant.  He leans and has a little sniff 
of the person to his left.  All right there.  Then he sniffs to his 
right, and reels at what he smells.  He again takes out the breath 
freshener, and forces it upon VINCENT, an elderly gentleman, who is 
mortified.

At this moment the elevator stops - BEAN and VINCENT get out and the 
camera follows VINCENT as he heads for the boardroom door and enters.  
He is another trustee.  This dialogue is heard from behind the closed 
door.

VINCENT
I'm sorry I'm late.

GARETH

Why can't we just give him the boot for crying out loud?!

6

VINCENT
Steady on, old man. I only ...

GARETH
Not you, you idiot.

CUT TO:
INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  CORRIDOR - DAY

BEAN, with cup of tea, walks along a corridor.  He can't not interfere 
for tidiness sake.  One empty room he switches off the light.  Another 
he shuts the door.

He passes a computer room, with an open door where a big man is busily 
typing in a programme - BEAN looks at him snootily and heads on.

He approaches the door to his office.  A sign reads: 'STORAGE & 
CATALOGUE'.  There is a huge padlock on the door.  BEAN takes out a big 
key and enters his domain.

CUT TO:

INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  STORAGE OFFICE - DAY.

BEAN enters.  He's been here for years and made it his own.  It's an 
odd little world.  There's a framed picture of Shirley Bassey on his 
desk and Airfix planes hang from the ceiling.  Also a large cosy 
armchair and a T.V.

A pleasant Man in a suit, around 40, breezes in.

SUIT MAN
Ah Bean, I'm looking for a painting by Van Hocht.  Still Life.  Circa 
1670.  Can do?

BEAN nods.  This is what BEAN likes to do best.  The camera follows as 
he turns sees the extraordinary sight behind him...

His office is just a tiny corner of a massive storage room, hundreds of 
feet high and long, the walls completely full of rack after rack of 
stored paintings.  At the end of the room, we can see hundreds of 
sculptures: busts, modern abstracts, men on horses, classical maidens, 
Rodins, the lot.  It's like the giant storehouse at the end of 'Raiders 
of the Lost Ark.

7

BEAN sets off into it in his own eccentric way.  He knows exactly where 
heels going.  He climbs a ladder, like you find in a library - then 
pushes himself off, and whizzes the entire length of the room on 
slippery wooden runners.

He has now reached the sculpture area, but the painting heels looking 
for is on the other side.  He crosses the room by using the sculptures 
as a kind of artistic obstacle course.  In front of him is the Burghers 
of Calais, a Rodin statue of 5 prisoners in chains.  He simply walks 
across their 5 heads, like stones in a stream.

He then comes to an abstract modern piece, which he uses as a slide and 
at the end of which, he crawls through the hole in the next modern 
thing.  He then begins to climb up various famous ancient statues, 
using the mouths as footholes, breasts as support, codpieces as steps 
and empty eyes as finger holes.

After a problem getting his. foot caught in the jaw of a sculptured 
dog, he walks flat along a modern sculpture, then uses a sequence of 
classic sculptures as stairs - on the head of a little Degas ballerina, 
one step on to the bottom of a horse, two steps onto the head of the 
person riding the horse, three steps and now he's on the other side of 
the hall.

He then triumphantly pulls out a painting.  It's the one!,

SUIT MAN
What would we do without you!  The entire inventory of British Art 
stored in that one, curious brain of yours.

BEAN beams.



INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  BOARDROOM - DAY

GARETH
Then we are agreed, gentlemen.  He goes.

VINCENT
Only if we're positive that the new catalogue database will render Mr. 
Bean's hitherto 'talents' obsolete.

HUBERT
There's no question.

8


LORD WALTON
Very well.  Mr Bean is.... art history.  We can all stop taking the 
pills.

A reserved smatter of laughter, from relief more than anything.  LORD 
W. talks into an intercom on the table.

LORD WALTON
Miss Hutchinson, would you send Mr. Bean up to the boardroom, please.

MISS HUTCHINSON
(V/O )

Yes sir. oh, and Lord Walton, the Grierson Gallery called again.

LORD WALTON
Thank you. (To the room) One final thing.  Once again we have been 
invited by the Grierson Gallery of Southern California to second one of 
our staff for a short visit.  The Grierson has a fairly modest 
collection - but it does include the most famous American painting of 
all, 'Whistler's Mother'.  Any thoughts?

Cut to the trustees - they shake their heads and wrinkle, their noses, 
not very interested.  A 106 year old SIR RUPERT puts up his hand.

LORD WALTON
Yes.  Sir Rupert.  And may I say sir, how honoured we are that you 
still grace us with all your time, wisdom, and infinite knowledge.  
Your invaluable thoughts, sir?

SIR RUPERT
Could you speak up please.  I didn't catch the question.

CUT TO:
INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  STORAGE OFFICE - DAY

Back in his office area BEAN ceremoniously hands SUIT MAN the Van Hocht 
painting.  He's very proud of himself.

SUIT MAN
Thank you, Bean.  You're a genius.

9

BEAN laughs - delighted.  SUIT MAN exits and MISS HUTCHINSON enters, 
warily.

MISS HUTCHINSON
Mr. Bean.  Lord Walton would like to see you in the boardroom.

BEAN gives a little pleasured squeak.  How exciting for him.  He 
follows MISS HUTCHINSON out into the corridor.

CUT TO:
INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  CORRIDOR.  DAY

BEAN walks along the same corridor as before.  Turns off another light.  
Then comes to the room where he saw the Programmer.  The computer, 
showing a Van Gogh portrait, is on and no-one's there.  BEAN, who hates 
wasted electricity, goes in to switch it off.

We see the Van Gogh change to a pictorial representation of the Storage 
room - with an arrow pointing to where the Van Gogh is located.  BEAN 
is clearly going to be replaced by this programme.  Or not ... BEAN 
searches for the plug, but it's under acres of desk - so he simply 
pulls a cable out of the back the computer.  The entire system clicks 
off.  At which moment the Programmer comes back in.

PROGRAMMER
What's happening here?

BEAN
Ahm...

With a slightly guilty smile he picks up the cable again looks with 
puzzlement at the five available places to plug it in and just takes a 
random guess.  And a disastrous one.  There is a ugly electrical 
fizzle.  The screens come on white, then pop out completely.

BEAN
Ah.... Ahm....

BEAN realises that he has done something wrong and quickly shoves the 
cable into another circuit.  The Van Gogh appears happily on the 
screen.  BEAN and PROGRAMMER both give out a sigh of relief.  BEAN 
smiles and leaves quickly.  But a second later the computer screen 
disintegrates and the Van Gogh slides down the screen like a water-
colour in the rain.  The PROG difficult to breathe.

10

CUT TO:
INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  BOARDROOM - DAY

LORD WALTON
You have your voting slips, gentlemen.  Please remember the Americans 
are looking for something quite high powered.  A doctorate 
preferably...

There is a knock at the door.  BEAN enters.  LORD WALTON smiles.  The 
rest of the faces in the room are looking dangerously close to smug.  
BEAN is very nervous indeed.

LORD WALTON
(gravely)
Ah, Mr. Bean.  Please take a seat for a moment.  I have some news which 
will not, I'm afraid...

The phone rings.  LORD WALTON answers.  BEAN sits next to VINCENT and 
sniffs at him.  VINCENT's breath hasn't improved.

LORD WALTON
(into phone)
Yes?  Put him on... Timothy.  The computer ... Yes... When?  How?  All 
of it? Absolutely all of it?  Did you back it up?  How long will it ... 
?  Another six months.  Fair enough.  Come up here will you, dear boy.

He slowly hangs up.  Everyone has got the gist of what has just 
occurred with the new computer- The energy drains from them all as they 
contemplate another six months with BEAN still on the staff.  LORD 
WALTON coughs politely.

LORD WALTON
As I was saying, gentlemen.  The Grierson Gallery. South California.  
Great opportunity.  Thousands-of miles-away though it is.  Doctorate or 
( IMPISHLY ) no doctorate, perhaps

All get the message at the same moment and hurriedly scribble on their 
voting slips.  The slips get handed down the line to LORD WALTON.  We 
see that every single slip has 'BEAN' on it.

LORD WALTON
Mr. Bean.  Wonderful news.  You are going to America.

MR. BEAN
(overwhelmed)
Ooooh, how lovely.

There is a knock at the door.  The fat, bespectacled,
PROGRAMMER puts his head round it.

LORD WALTON
(beaming) 
Ah, Timothy.  You're sacked.

CUT TO:


INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  CORRIDOR - DAY

BEAN rounds a corner and walks towards us, imitating a bowlegged 
cowboy.  The Theme from Bonanza plays.  He whips out his pair of 
imaginary six shooters, spins them on his fingers and returns them to-
their imaginary holsters, making gun sound effects.  He's very happy.-
He passes the Security Guard - he draws his gun on him - zero reaction 
the Guard just raises his eyebrows and yawns.

BEAN heads on through the gallery merrily - but suddenly, his good mood 
is broken, when he notices 3 schoolgirls entering a new exhibition, 
called The Ultra-Human Form.  This worries him - and we soon see why - 
BEAN heads in to the room where all the paintings are very graphic 
nudes, and the 3 girls are having a good giggle.

BEAN quickly rushes over and with his hand covers the breasts of the 
painting they're inspecting.

Two girls then move on to the next painting - which unfortunately also 
has breasts.  BEAN stretches and just manages to cover them with his 
other hand.

Now the third girl heads on, so BEAN can drop the hand on the first 
painting - but now has to try to cover the breasts on the third 
painting, which is a real long stretch away.  He can't quite make it, 
so he takes off his shoes, which gives him the extra 3 inches.  Again, 
safe.  Just.

Now, all three girls leave the paintings - but, to BEAN's chagrin, head 
over to a classical nude sculpture in the middle of the room.  It's 
like the 3 Graces, 3 naked women back to back.  BEAN thinks fast.  He 
quickly whips off his

12

Belt and rushes over to the statue, where he succeeds in looping it 
round to cover all six nipples.

Unfortunately the girls have already lost interest and head over to the 
other side of the gallery.  To BEAN's horror.  Because at that moment 
we reveal what is on the other side of the room.  A epic painting in 
the style of the others - with literally 40 graphically naked people.

BEAN sprints across the room, stands on a chair, and desperately tries 
to cover a particularly lurid example of a gentleman's manhood.

At which moment the teacher of the party and 40 other schoolgirls 
appear and scream in chorus.  BEAN thinks that it is the painting that 
has caused offence and is in outraged agreement with them.  He turns.  
Cut wide to reveal that they are screaming because he's beltless
trousers have fallen down.
CUT TO:

EXT.  GRIERSON GALLERY.  AMERICA - DAY.

8.30 am California time.  A modern building with plenty of glass.  
Large, modern sculptures are spotted around its grounds, including a 
dramatic one of two huge old cars, head down in the ground, backs 
protruding into the air.

THOMAS GRIERSON, owner of the gallery, wearing a slick expensive suit, 
walks with DAVE LEARY and BERNIE, both in casual jackets and ties.  
GRIERSON is a vain, slightly pedantic and pompous man - maybe short - 
always just trying to show he's Boss.  The three are strolling towards 
the main entrance.  Huge sign: 'THE GRIERSON GALLERY' with a silhouette 
of Whistler's Mother taken from the painting, as an incorporated logo.

GRIERSON
Lord Walton assures me this guy's one of the very top scholars in the 
English art world.  Has a couple of doctorates no less.

BERNIE
Great news.

BERNIE is smooth and smiley.  DAVID LEARY, Vice President, is a very 
pleasant, but slightly worried man, knocking on 40. Too nice for his 
own good.  The three pass a lone MIME ARTIST wearing a cheap vac-form 
PRESIDENT CLINTON face mask.  David can't help being just a little nice 
to him and finds himself left behind.  He scampers to catch up.

9
First, catching under the handle - then the couch, then

Four other chairs - and finally the deep freeze.  No-one's going to get 
in through that door.

BACK IN THE HALL BEAN pushes the string back inside the letter box and 
slaps his hand in satisfaction.  He locks the door's enormous padlock, 
looks about carefully to make sure no one's around, and then hides the 
key under a garden gnome on the floor, standing amongst a row of 
pathetic pot plants.

MIX THROUGH TO:
INT.  AIRPORT.  RECEPTION DESK.  NIGHT

The lady checking in BEAN looks puzzled as she holds his passport.  So 
he pulls the shockingly stupid face. 0h yes, she sees, that's the guy 
in the picture.  She hands him his ticket.

CHECK-IN LADY
Here we go, sir.  You've been moved to l st. class.  Apparently your 
friends at the Gallery were so delighted that you're finally on your 
way.

BEAN is very touched.

CUT TO:

INT.  AIRPORT LOUNGE - NIGHT

BEAN enters the first class lounge.  It's fairly empty, but BEAN still 
squeezes himself between an old lady drinking a cup of tea, and a very 
grand looking American military man in a business suit.

The Grand Man lights up a cigar.  This doesn't please Mr "No Smoking 
BEAN.  First, he waves the smoke away, in small, then big, then huge 
wafting motions.  Then he tries, miming, to cut it up into segments and 
move them aside.  The man pays no attention at all.

BEAN puts a plastic mug over his face, like a gas mask and breathes 
heavily.  The man looks at him - but doesn't give a damn

BEAN now takes a paper bag - catches some of the smoke, and take it 
over and empties it into the dust bin.

The Grand Man goes on smoking stubbornly.  He then sees a magazine rack 
and leaves his cigar as he goes to get one.

13

DAVID

Sounds like a real coup, sir... getting this Doctor of ...


GRIERSON
Various things.  Thank you.  However, as you know, this is not an 
inexpensive venture, and, financially speaking, we're in very serious 
crap right now.

He can't quite hide his tackiness.) DAVID holds the door for GRIERSON - 
then sees an old woman coming towards him.  He waits for her to go 
through, and due to his sweetness, is again left behind.  He rushes to 
catch up.

They are now passing the reception counter cum gallery shop.  DAVID 
exchanges smiles with the cashier, ANNIE.  Very bubbly, not very 
bright.  The shop is full of Whistler's Mother memorabilia - posters, 
cards, porcelain statuettes.

GRIERSON
So ... I'm wondering if one of you would have this guy stay in your 
home instead of some expensive hotel.

BERNIE
Love to, sir, but no can do.  No spare room.  Period.

GRIERSON
David?

DAVID
Oh, look, I mean, it's kind of the last thing... I mean, I'd really 
like to, but... things at home are kind of sensitive, so I couldn't 
really er ...

GRIERSON
I thought perhaps as Vice-President, and in view of the unfortunate 
attendance's for the summer show this year... the MASSIVE financial 
LOSS ...

DAVID
on the other hand ... maybe a breath of fresh air is just what my 
family needs ... Yes.  Great news.  Fabulous.  Triumphant.  Course it 
might need a little smoothing over.  When's he due?

GRIERSON hands DAVID a piece of paper.

GRIERSON
Tomorrow.  You have a problem with that?

PAUSE

DAVID
No. Perfect.  Looking forward to it.
CUT TO:


INT.  LONDON . PHOTO BOOTH.  DAY.

The camera faces Mr BEAN sitting in a Photo booth.  His face is totally 
impassive for 1, 2, then 3 flashes.  And then, just before the 4th 
flash, he pulls the biggest, maddest face you've ever seen.  Flash!  He 
gives a little

Satisfied giggle.

CUT TO:


EXT.  THE LEARY HOUSE - DAY

7 p.m. California time.  A pleasant suburban house.  DAVID's car pulls 
into the drive.  JENNIFER, his slightly Gothic 16 year old daughter, is 
kissing BRAD, her scruffy boyfriend.  He sits astride a motor scooter.  
He has a bum-fluff moustache.

DAVID gets out of his car and approaches them.                 


DAVID
Hi, Jennifer.  How was school? (she doesn't break the kiss with Brad) 
oh really?  That's good, great. Fantastic.  We'll talk some more.

The two continue kissing as DAVID moves on.  He's just about to head 
for the house when a swish convertible draws up at the curb.  DAVID's 
wife, ALISON, has been given a lift home by her young attractive boss, 
CHARLES.  They are laughing in the car as DAVID walks up.

15

He is slightly disturbed to see ALISON kiss CHARLES on the cheek before 
getting out with her port folio.  CHARLES smiles pleasantly on seeing 
DAVID.

CHARLES
Hello, David.

DAVID
Hi, Charles. (To Alison) Wow - late!

ALISON
(brightly)
I had to do some last minute stuff.

CHARLES
My fault.  We've got a heavy load on at present.  How about you, 
gallery going well?

DAVID
Ahm, well, you know ~ that's a tough question - on one' level I think 
it ....

ALISON
Don't ask him about work, Charlie. Life's too short.

Alison is the same age as DAVID, but seems to have lasted the course 
better - she's confident, in good shape.  The atmosphere is awkward.  
JENNIFER screams out.  Her 8 year old brother, KEVIN has sprung from 
the shrubbery and lassoed her and BRAD.  ALISON goes over to sort them 
out.

ALISON
Kevin!  You stop that right now!

CHARLES
Great kids.  Good looking too.

DAVID
You think so?  Well I 'spose they're pretty, you know... okay, looks-
wise.

CHARLES
Take after their mother, huh?

DAVID
Ah ... absolutely.

DAVID is not very happy here.

16

CUT TO:
INT.  THE LEARY HOUSE.  KITCHEN - DAY

It is open plan and leads through into the lounge.  DAVID and ALISON 
enter.  ALISON puts her port folio on the table and leads DAVID onto a 
sofa.  She puts her arms round him.


ALISON
Let's take a break, David.  This weekend, why don't we just get into 
the car and drive to the coast.  Find a motel.  Like before the kids 
were born.  Go to a fairground.  Win me another Bambi.

She reaches across and picks up a little ceramic Bambi on a table next 
to the couch.

ALISON
Jennifer can stay and look after Kevin

DAVID
Sounds great.  Excellent.  Though-, Ahm... there's this guy who's 
coming to work at the Gallery, from England...

ALISON
(SUSPICIOUSLY)
Yeeees?

DAVID
And they asked me if we'd like to ... you know... put him up for a 
while.

ALISON
There aren't hotels?

DAVID
Yes, there are hotels.  They just thought maybe it'd be nice for him to 
stay with a real American family.  Popcorn, waffles, all that stuff.

ALISON
(POINTEDLY)
And what did you say?

DAVID
I said I'd check with you.

She looks at him piercingly.  This clearly happens a lot.  She knows 
when he's telling the truth.  Pause.

DAVID
Then I said 'yes'.

She puts Bambi carefully back on the table, gets up and moves to the 
kitchen.  DAVID follows.

ALISON
Do we know anything about him?

DAVID
Ahm - he's male.  He's English.  He's a doctor of er ... at least 2 
things.  I think they would have mentioned if he was a blind dwarf.  Or 
one of those guys who kills lots of people all the time.  I think we're 
looking at someone moderately normal here.

ALISON
David - are you ever going to learn to say 'no'?

DAVID
Yes.  Yes. (pause) Sometime.

She shakes her head.

ALISON
It's the last thing we need.

DAVID
That's exactly what I said ... before I said - Great, it's a 
sensational idea."

He knows he's made a mess here.  Enter KEVIN, their smart young son, 
strolling through.

KEVIN
Hiya Dad ~ I'll need you upstairs for homework in about .... (checks 
watch) oh, 20 minutes.

DAVID
Great, good.

And KEVIN exits.

18

DAVID
Didn't kids do their own homework, like way back?  Years ago?  No. 
Course not.  Just imagining it.

ALISON isn't really listening.  Much tension.

CUT TO:

EXT.  MR.  BEAN'S BED-SIT - NIGHT

9.30 p.m. U.K. time.  A black London taxi is parked outside a terraced 
house with its motor idling.  Its driver looks fed up waiting.  BEAN 
appears at a downstairs window, motioning to his watch that he will not 
be long.

CUT TO:

INT.  MR.  BEAN'S BED-SIT - DAY

MR. BEAN is ready to leave his room.  Battered old

suitcase in hand, he checks the room from the doorway.

Every conceivable thing that can be opened - cupboards,

drawers, fridge -sports an oversized padlock.  Even

Bean's old G.P.O. phone has one on its dial.

BEAN looks across to his TEDDY, who is lounging on a miniature chair, 
inside an up-sided cardboard box.  The box is sits on an armchair.  A 
hand-written sign, taped to its roof reads: 'TEDDY HOTEL' followed by 
three stars. 
19

A smaller sign informs us that the hotel is: 'FULL'.  BEAN is just 
about to leave but stops to consider.  Taking a felt tipped pen, he 
adds two more stars on the hotel hoarding, as a treat.

He then, slightly, incomprehensibly, begins to tie string it around 
various objects in the flat.  The fridge - the corner of a chair, a 
couch leg.

CUT TO:

INT.  MR.  BEAN'S RESIDENCE'S HALLWAY ~ DAY

BEAN leaves his flat. lee notice a large official sign stuck on the 
door saying 'NO SMOKING".  He now turns his attention to the pieces of 
string hanging out the letter box in his door.  Grabbing the bunch of 
them, he pulls.

CUT TO back inside the flat. we now understand the string - as all the 
furniture starts to move across the flat.  It works incredibly neatly 
the chair reaches the door

20

BEAN acts fast.  He takes the cigar - and quickly dunks it in the old 
woman's cup of tea.

He sits there, guiltlessly, as the Grand Man returns.  Simultaneously, 
the man tries to suck the wet cigar, and the Old woman drinks the 
disgusting tea.  A horrid experience for both.

CUT TO:


INT.  AEROPLANE - DAY.

Boarding time.  BEAN enters the plane and turns right, into the body of 
the plane.  After walking right down the plane, he is directed by a 
hostess back up to first.  As he walks back, we notice the' ridiculous 
contrast, from totally cramped accommodation with hundreds of children 
and muzak, to the elegance, and space of First class.

BEAN couldn't be more thrilled.  There follows a sequence of short 
moments from this nightmare flight.

1/ The Old Tea-Drinking Lady is being helped with her ,luggage.  A 
hostess slides it into the compartment above her head.

OLD LADY
Be careful.  It's for my Grand-daughter.

The next instant BEAN comes up with his case.  He opens the same 
locker, and tries to fit his case in.  Doesn't quite go - so he pushes 
it violently.  We hear crunching cracking sounds.  Finally, it's almost 
there - BEAN slams the locker door.  One final definitive, though 
muffled, smash.  The OLD LADY looks at BEAN suspiciously.

2/ BEAN sits down - and who should be his next door neighbour?  The 
Grand Man, whose name is REYNOLDS.  BEAN smiles merrily.  The affection 
is not mutual.

Champagne comes round instantly.  BEAN takes it, along with a small 
bowl of nuts, and clinks glasses with his unsmiling partner.  BEAN 
tries to impress him by throwing nuts up into the air and catching them 
in his mouth (a well practised art).  No response.

BEAN then switches on the noisy overhead air blower.  Then can't turn 
it down again.  It's very stuck.  He manages however to push it away 
from his face - straight into REYNOLDS' . REYNOLDS looks annoyed, BEAN 
guiltless.

21

Then 'BEAN has an idea.  He takes a tissue out of his pocket, puts in 
his mouth, chews it into a spitball

And rams it into the blower.  Both of them are relieved.  REYNOLDS 
picks up his champagne to have his first proper sip.  And whapp!  The 
spitball, under high pressure, shoots

into it, sending champagne spraying all over REYNOLDS.  Not a good 
start.


3/--BEAN is reading the in-flight magazine.  There's an annoying sound.  
He looks sideways - it is the headphones of the YOUNG BOY in the seat 
across the aisle.  He's fallen asleep with his headphones on.  BEAN 
looks annoyed.  Then suddenly decides to cut his fingernails with a 
little pair of scissors he carries.  He holds out his hand to snip the 
nail - and accidentally on purpose simply cuts the wire of the boy's 
headset.  That's better.

4/ Night.  Wide shot of the plane - everyone is asleep except one pool 
of light.  It's Mr BEAN still up, reading.

But even he is wilting.  His eyes close, and his body starts to waver 
towards sleep.  Next to him, REYNOLDS is in a total lying position - 
and unfortunately, as BEAN slowly tips over, his mouth comes into 
direct contact with REYNOLDS' flies.

From across the compartment, a hostess sees what's happening.  She's 
shocked, comes over and taps BEAN on the ,,shoulder.  He shoots up, and 
nearly strangles her in shock.  She calms him down, shows him how to 
put his chair back - and leaves him to sleep.  CUT ON....

5/ REYNOLDS still asleep.  With BEAN asleep completely on top of him.  
Completely.  His hand is spread on REYNOLDS' face.  REYNOLDS' eyes 
open.  He sees what's happened.  His arm goes up and rings for the 
Hostess.

6/ Morning has broken.  REYNOLDS is still trying to sleep - BEAN is 
wide awake.  The Hostess approaches, and the MOTHER of the YOUNG BOY 
says her son isn't very well.

BEAN decides to cheer him up.  He mimes an aeroplane which makes the 
boy feel more ill.  Then does a rather good lizard impersonation by 
sticking bits of paper to his tongue and eye-lids and fluttering them.

He then brings out a scrunched up bag of Dolly Mixtures and does his 
trick of throwing a sweet in the air and catching it in his mouth.  The 
boy is too ill to be impressed.

BEAN tries to cheer him up with his imaginary gun pretending to be a 
cowboy and then a tough American Cop.  Nothing.  Then he has an 
extremely fun idea.  He empties the Dolly Mixtures from the paper bag 
and pockets them.

22

He then blows up the empty bag and is about to pop it to wake REYNOLDS, 
when he sees it's got a hole in it.  No fun.

Meanwhile, the Boy has taken out his sick-bag.  BEAN is delighted - 
yes, that's perfect.  He turns away for a split second to scrunch up 
the useless bag, while, unseen to him, the boy vomits into his bag.  
BEAN turns, grabs the bag from him - blows into it, puts it right into 
REYNOLDS' face at arms length, and smacks his hands together.  CUT at 
just the right moment.

CUT TO:

INT.  AMERICAN AIRPORT.  ARRIVALS - NIGHT

The traditional exit area.  A random bunch of people are waiting - 
relatives, limousine drivers - and, rather strangely, three 30 year old 
women dressed in curly red wigs from the musical, 'Annie'.

The LEARYS are at the barrier.  KEVIN has a cardboard sign with 'MR.  
BEAN' written on it.  People are streaming out of the Arrivals gate.  
ALISON is not happy.  Actually no one is.  JENNIFER looks particularly 
fed up.

DAVID

For all you know, he may be a very attractive young man.

JENNIFER
Oh come on - the guy's going to be a creep.  All Englishmen are ugly.

DAVID
What makes you say that?

JENNIFER
All the guys they claim are English to and good-looking like Dan Day-
Lewis and Liam Neeson, turn out to be Irish.  Even Anthony Hopkins is 
welsh.  Prince Charles is so ugly they pay him two million bucks a year 
to stay indoors.

DAVID
Richard Burton was very good-looking.

JENNIFER
Welsh.

DAVID
Sean Connery.

23


ALISON
Scottish.

DAVID
Tom Jones?

JENNIFER
Welsh again.

DAVID
Okay, so the guy's gonna look like Meatloaf's backside.  No-one's 
asking you to go to bed with him. 

JENNIFER glares at him.  A tired ALISON has had enough of this waiting 
already.

ALISON
Bed sounds good though.  Bed sounds great.

CUT TO:

INT.  AMERICAN AIRPORT.  CONVEYER - NIGHT

BEAN, is off the plane.  REYNOLDS strides ahead of him, a huge wet 
patch in a semi-circle around his neck.  BEAN comes to a moving 
walkways.  He steps on to it sheepishly, thinking it's very daring and 
brave, gripping the handrail as though he was travelling at 100 mph.

But soon he gains greater confidence.  He stands up straight, both 
hands off the rail.  There are a couple of COPS leaning against a wall, 
chatting.  BEAN notices their guns.  Slipping into role-play mode, he 
reaches into his breast pocket, ready to bring out his imaginary 
shooter ... The last security guard he tried this with just yawned ~ so 
BEAN thinks it's safe.  But this time, the COPS turn and stare at him 
tensely..

Flustered by their interest in him, BEAN needs to get away.  He turns, 
but finds that he is walking in the opposite direction, on the spot.  
The COPS read this as suspicious behaviour and move towards him 
suspiciously.  BEAN turns to gets himself going in the right direction.  
The COPS follow.  BEAN runs.  The COPS give chase.

CUT TO:

24

INT.  'AMERICAN AIRPORT.  ARRIVALS - NIGHT

A little BALD MAN arrives at the barrier.  The three red wigged clones 
from the musical, 'Annie' swamp him with shrieks and kisses.  The 
LEARYS are getting impatient.

KEVIN
(bored ) 
Who do you think is the ugliest guy who ever lived.

DAVID
Well, Michael Bolton's pretty grisly.

KEVIN
I vote for Bart.

JENNIFER
Shut up, Kevin.

KEVIN
NO, seriously - I know he's your boyfriend, but there's something about 
his upper lip that is so weird.  What do you think it is, Dad?  Jen 
says it's a moustache, I say it's a cluster of about 11 mosquitoes, 
resting.

JENNIFER
You know the thing I hate most about children?

KEVIN
Nope.

JENNIFER
You.



CUT TO:

INT.  AMERICAN AIRPORT.  CORRIDOR - NIGHT

BEAN is running down the busy corridor with the two COPS in pursuit.  
They draw their guns.  Two more COPS appear,

coming from the opposite direction.  BEAN is trapped.  He drops his 
case.

COP 1
Police!  Stop or we shoot!

25

Passers-by scream and throw themselves to the floor.  BEAN freezes on 
the spot, terrified.  All four COPS have their guns trained on him in 
the shooting position.

COP 1
Carefully take out your weapon, holding the butt with two fingers only.  
Slowly place it on the floor and take three paces back!

Dead slowly, BEAN puts his hand into his inside jacket pocket and 
brings it back out made in the shape of a gun.  He slowly transfers 
that imaginary item to the finger and thumb of his left hand.  He bends 
down and places it on the floor then takes three paces back.  He gives 
out a big breath after the effort of it all.  The COPS just stare at 
him, gob-smacked.

Little OLD LADY from plane steers up from nowhere.  She rattles her box 
of broken china and kicks BEAN in the shins.  Things are not going his 
way.

CUT TO:

INT.  AMERICAN AIRPORT.  POLICE INTERVIEW ROOM - NIGHT

Bright and clinical.  Close on BEAN sitting behind a table; a very 
small man in very big trouble.  Behind him, two uniformed COPS stand 
guard.  A large, black plain clothes detective sits opposite, smoking a 
cigarette.  This is BRUTUS.  He studies BEAN's passport photo.  It's 
the baboon face.  He holds it up to bean's face to make a comparison.  
BEAN pulls the face to match the photo.

BRUTUS
Mr. Bean. Are you presently on any kind of medication at all?

BEAN thinks deeply for a moment then shakes his head.

BRUTUS
You could certainly use some.

CUT TO:

INT.  AMERICAN AIRPORT.  ARRIVALS - NIGHT

ALISON, JENNIFER and KEVIN are slumped in seats near the barrier.  
DAVID walks up.

ALISON
What did they say?

26

DAVID
Well, they're kind of busy but it doesn't look like ...

ALISON
Did you really ask?

DAVID
I'm not sure I got the right person but they were a bit busy ...

ALISON
What's wrong with you, David?  All you have to do is say, Excuse me, 
I've been sitting here since the start of the Millennium and I'd really 
like some action from you before the end of the world. I'll go.

DAVID

No, no.  I'11 try again ...

ALISON
I said, I'11 go.

She goes.  KEVIN shakes his head disappointedly al,-- his father.  
DAVID slumps down on the seat.  He overhears JENNIFER flirting with an 
incredibly undesirable bloke in a leather jacket - white, with Rasta 
hair extensions, and about sixty rings in his nose. (This is STINGO).

JENNIFER
So. where do your parents live?

STINGO
My parents are dead.

DAVID is pretty confident that he knows who killed them.

JENNIFER
Yeah, so are mine.

CUT TO:

EXT.  AMERICAN AIRPORT.  TAXI RANK. NIGHT

COP 1 puts BEAN in the back of a taxi with his case.  He

takes some dollar notes from his own wallet and hands them to the 
driver.

27


COP 1
Just get him the hell out of here, will ya?

He slams the door and the taxi drives away.

CUT TO:

INT.  AMERICAN AIRPORT-.  ARRIVALS - NIGHT

The LEARYS are all asleep in eccentric positions on the seats.  
JENNIFER's head is resting on STINGO's leg.  Kevin's cardboard sign 
with 'MR.  BEAN, written on it falls from his lap to the floor.

CUT TO:


EXT.  THE LEARY HOUSE - NIGHT

The taxi draws up outside the house.  BEAN gets out with his case.  The 
CAB DRIVER is strangely friendly.

CAB DRIVER
Thanks man, I can't tell you how much I appreciate talking to ya.  In 
this job you get so many jerks spilling their guts all over ya, with 
their stupid problems ... But you, you're a great listener, ya know 
that?

BEAN smiles politely.  Taxi drives away.  BEAN walks up to' the front 
porch, checks the house number on his piece of paper and presses the 
doorbell.  No answer.  Presses again.  Still no answer ... Now where 
have they hidden the key. He inspects things carefully.

The camera sees what he sees ... the doormat, the flowerpot, the 
window-ledge ... and then he spots a little stone frog.  BEAN smiles.  
Key hiding is something he knows about - and people are pathetically 
obvious about it.  BEAN picks up the FROG to reveal the front door key.  
It glints in the porch-light.

CUT TO:


INT.  THE LEARY HOUSE.  HALLWAY - NIGHT

BEAN lets himself in.  The pre-alarm buzzer goes off quietly.  He has 
15 seconds before the alarm goes off proper.  He strolls confidently to 
where the alarm control unit obviously is ... under the stairs.

28

Close-up of flashing L.E.D. Again, BEAN looks carefully and finds the 
magnetic box, housing a little key, attached to the underside of the 
console.  Just as the alarm goes off, for the splittest of a 
secondette, he turns the key in its slot ... and is safe.

BEAN finds the switch and turns on the hall light.  He switches it off 
again ... then on.  Then rapidly clicks it on and off repeatedly.Fun.

CUT TO:

EXT.  THE LEARY HOUSE - NIGHT

Shot from across the street, with all the house lights flashing off and 
on madly.

CUT TO:

INT.  THE LEARY HOUSE.  LOUNGE - NIGHT

BEAN stands in front of the television, looking a little annoyed about 
the fact that the remote control in his hand is having no effect at 
all.  He stabs at it randomly.

CUT TO:
EXT.  THE LEARY HOUSE - NIGHT

The garage doors are swinging open and closed rhythmically.

CUT TO:

INT.  DAVID'S CAR - NIGHT

KEVIN and JENNIFER are asleep in the back.  DAVID drives in silence, 
Alison next to him.  Uneasy atmosphere.  DAVID stabs at buttons on the 
car radio.

ALISON
It isn't working any more, David.

DAVID
I know - I'11 take it in to George tomorrow'- he'll fix it.  Stupid 
thing.

HE SWITCHES IT OFF.

29

ALISON
No, US.  It's not working any longer -you and me.

Pause.  DAVID's now heard it completely.  He takes his eyes off the 
road and stares at ALISON a moment too long.  A car's horn snatches 
back his attention.

DAVID
Jesus.

ALISON
I need some time, David.  A little time.  It's not just you.  It's 
partly me.

DAVID

But in general ... it's ... mostly me, right?

Pause.  Single shot of Alison and David.  She doesn't answer.  He is 
destitute.

CUT TO:

INT.  THE LEARY HOUSE.  HALLWAY - NIGHT

BEAN wanders down the stairs in his pyjamas.  He sees a walkman - and 
puts it on happily.  He moves to the rhythm.  He locks the door, turns 
on the alarm and turns off the
hall light.

CUT TO:
EXT.  THE LEARY HOUSE - NIGHT

DAVID's car turns into the drive just as the hall light goes off. (For 
the next few minutes, knife-edged timing 0 is all).  The LEARYS 
sleepily get out of the car and approach the house.  DAVID brings out 
his door key.

CUT TO:

INT.  THE LEARY HOUSE.  UPSTAIRS LANDING - NIGHT

The exact moment the key turns in the lock, BEAN, still wearing 
headphones, disappears into a bedroom with a little ceramic sign on it 
saying: 'GUEST ROOM'.

The exhausted family enter an apparently untouched house.  KEVIN turns 
on the stairs light, climbs to his room off the landing and closes the 
door on which a sign reads: 'KEVIN'.

30

At that instant BEAN walks out, looking for the bathroom with his wash 
bag.  He looks up at the light.  It should not be on.  He frowns, turns 
it off and exits to bathroom.  At which precise moment JENNIFER, 
zombie-like, is halfway up the stairs

JENNIFER
Thanks a lot, Kevin!

JENNIFER goes into her room.  The sign reads: 'JENNIFER'.

ALISON turns on the light and climbs the stairs.  David heads into the 
kitchen.  They exchange a sad look.  She goes into their bedroom: the 
sign reads: 'GRUPS'.  At which instant, BEAN, still wearing headphones, 
leaves the bathroom, and heads downstairs ....

CUT TO:

INT.  THE LEARY HOUSE.  KITCHEN - NIGHT

The light is on.  DAVID takes a deep breath.  Bad night.  He picks up 
an empty coffee jar, sighs and goes into the pantry a full one.  BEAN 
enters.  He opens the refrigerator and he studies the food on offer.  
Nothing he fancies ... then BINGO!

He sees a little plate of 3 strawberries.  He eats one, then two, then 
pops the third into his mouth.  It tastes a bit off, so he takes it out 
of his mouth, puts it back on the plate, closes the fridge door, and 
exits ... just as DAVID comes out of the pantry.  Close on BEAN's hand 
as it comes round the door frame and turns off the light.  DAVID, on 
the move, stubs his toe on a chair.  He groans in pain, limps to the 
fridge.  He spots the lone, already sucked strawberry and pops it into 
his mouth.

CUT TO:

INT.  THE LEARY HOUSE.  D & A'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

ALISON is watching T.V. in bed with the remote control.  DAVID enters 
with orange juice and puts it down by his side of the bed.

DAVID

The lights blown in the kitchen. I'll fix it tomorrow.

They're not a happy couple.  She concentrates on the TV even turns it 
up a little.

CUT TO:

INT.  THE LEARY HOUSE.  BATHROOM - NIGHT

BEAN turns on the basin's cold faucet.  It gushes noisily.

CUT TO:
INT.  THE LEARY HOUSE.  D & A'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Close on Letterman on the TV.  The noise from it drowns out any noise 
from the bathroom.(The bathroom has two doors - one into DAVID and 
ALISON's bedroom, the other onto the landing)..

CUT TO:
INT.  THE LEARY HOUSE.  BATHROOM - NIGHT

BEAN can't hear the T.V. because of his headphones.  He takes out his 
toothbrush but notices an electric one on a shelf with spare brush 
heads.  He's intrigue.  He swaps the heads and enjoys cleaning his 
teeth with this clever modern implement.

-He puts the electric brush down and checks his teeth in the mirror.  
He has forgotten to turn off the brush and so it vibrates off the sink 
and lands in the toilet.  Bean fishes it out and places it back on the 
shelf where he found it.  He turns off faucet, then exits, turning out 
the light.

DAVID enters and turns the light on again.  He takes down the 
toothbrush and cleans his teeth.  He calls through the bedroom door.

DAVID
That poor guy, Bean ... He's probably still sitting at London Airport!

He finishes his teeth then runs the hot faucet.  He exits to bedroom as 
BEAN enters from hall with dirty socks.

CUT TO:
INT.  THE LEARY HOUSE.  D & A'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
ALISON is still watching T.V. The volume is getting to DAVID.

DAVID
Alison, please.


32

CUT TO:

INT.  THE LEARYS' HOUSE.  BATHROOM ~ NIGHT

BEAN is just finishing washing his socks in David's water.  He rings 
the dirty water from them, and exits.  DAVID enters in his under 
shorts.  He checks his tired eyes in the mirror then washes his face in 
the basin water without looking.

CUT TO:

INT.  THE LEARY HOUSE.  LANDING ~ NIGHT

BEAN notices a framed photograph on the wall.  It is of the LEARY 
family.  They are grouped outside their house.  It is a very happy 
picture.  BEAN smiles at it.  He takes it off the wall and takes it 
into a bedroom.  As the door quietly closes we see the sign: 
'JENNIFER'.

CUT TO:

INT.  THE LEARY HOUSE.  D & A'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Lights are out.  DAVID and ALISON in bed.  The latter is facing away.

DAVID
I need to make a confession.  I know you're awake.  Please, it's 
important.

(Long pause)

ALISON
(without stirring)
Go ahead.

DAVID
I had the last strawberry in the refrigerator.

ALISON smiles in spite of herself.  She turns over and puts her arm 
around DAVID.  She gets up close to his face.

ALISON
There were three strawberries.

DAVID
One.

33
ALISON
Liar.

DAVID
0h Ali we can work this thing out, you know.

ALISON smiles, sleepily, and goes to kiss him.  She stops and sniffs.  
Thoroughly put off, she rolls over and closes her eyes.

DAVID
Ali?  What's wrong?

ALISON
Your face smells like a foot.

CUT TO:

EXT.  THE LEARY HOUSE - DAY

The next morning.  Shot from across the street: A newspaper boy 
delivers.  Birds sing.  It's a lovely, peaceful, early morning.  Then 
... a terrifying girl's scream pierces the quiet.

CUT TO:

INT.  THE LEARY HOUSE.  UPSTAIRS LANDING - DAY

The whole family charges out onto the landing.  JENNIFER hurtles out of 
her room screaming.  She barges through the family and locks herself in 
the bathroom.

ALISON
What is it?  Jennifer!

JENNIFER
(0.O.V.)
... There's a man ... there's a man ... there's a man in my...

DAVID
Honey, calm down now... it's okay...

JENNIFER
(p.o.v.)
There's a man.  I woke up next to a man ...

KEVIN

It wouldn't be the first time.

34


ALISON
Shut up, Kevin. (to Jennifer) Honey, you-re not making sense ...

DAVID
It's okay.  There's no one out here. Just open the door.  Trust me.

Pause ... then a click of the bathroom lock ... Jennifer comes out.  
Then there's another click.  BEAN breezes out of Jennifer's bedroom, 
past the family, in his pyjamas, carrying a wash bag and a towel over 
his arm.  He waves to them friendly, slips into the bathroom and closes 
the door.  The family stare in amazement.

CUT TO:

INT.  THE LEARY HOUSE.  KITCHEN - DAY

The family, now dressed for work and school, are having breakfast at 
the kitchen table.  After an uncomfortable silence:

KEVIN
He makes Prince Charles look kind of handsome.

ALISON
He can't stay here, David.

DAVID
Okay.  It's not a problem... Let's just sit ... I'11 talk to the 
gallery ...

ALISON
David, I'm serious!

DAVID
I know you are.  Very serious ... most of the time these days.

ALISON
Now what does that mean?  My daughter wakes up with a strange man in 
her bed, and I'm supposed to think it's amusing? (looks at his tie) 
That tie's God-awful.  Why do you wear it?

DAVID is thrown.  He looks down at his tie.  JENNIFER looks grumpy.  
KEVIN is eating happily.

35

BEAN enters, dressed, carrying a plastic carrier bag.  He acknowledges 
the family with a grunt and a smile.

DAVID
Ah, Mr Bean ...

BEAN
Excuse me.

He moves to the phone, checks his watch and dials quickly.
CUT TO:



INT.  BEAN'S BED-SIT - ENGLAND - NIGHT

The ancient G.P.O. phone starts to ring on a small table. (The 
following takes place in a matter of seconds).

On the table are two, large, shiny, hard backed books, wedged up at one 
end and sloping away at right angles to one another.  Each book has a 
pair of rulers set, parallel to one another, in Play-Doh.  They each 
form a canal.  Between one pair of rulers sits a small box of salt. 
Between the other pair is a miniature bust of BEETHOVEN.  As the phone 
continues to ring and vibrate the table, these items judder along the 
canal, an inch at a time.

The box of salt teaches the bottom of the book and topples over the 
edge of the table. ( The BEETHOVEN bust' teeters on the edge of its 
book).  The salt lands in a plastic funnel, taped to the top of a 
bamboo stick.  The bottom of the stick sits on the BBC 2 button of a 
T.V. remote control.  Close-up of its infrared L.E.D. as it flashes 
once.  The phone stops ringing.

CUT TO: the T.V. comes on at the start of a documentary about grizzly 
bears.  A voice-over begins a narration.

CUT TO: close on TEDDY sitting in his cardboard box hotel.  Flickering 
light from the T.V. plays on his face.

CUT TO:
INT.  THE LEARY HOUSE.  KITCHEN - DAY

Bean hangs up happily, then approaches the toaster, stuffs a pair of 
wet socks into it and pulls down the start lever.  Satisfied, he now 
turns to the family.

BEAN
Now - can I help?

They just stare, dumb-founded.

36


CUT TO:

EXT.  THE LEARY HOUSE - DAY

DAVID and BEAN arrive at the car and get in.  DAVID heads out of the 
drive at a reasonable speed.

BEAN suddenly yanks on the hand-brake.  DAVID's head hits the 
windshield with a sickening thud.  BEAN reaches for and fastens his 
seat belt.  He looks to DAVID.  DAVID gives BEAN a pained look. What 
planet does he come from?  He fastens his own seat belt while BEAN 
wonders why it's all taking so long.

CUT TO:

EXT.  THE GRIERSON GALLERY.  CAR PARKING - DAY

It's a rather fancy building.  Like a little Guggenheim DAVID parks by 
a large, expensive, looking car.  BEAN opens his door and it bangs-hard 
against the pristine body work.

CUT TO:


INT.  THE GRIERSON GALLERY.  RECEPTION AREA - DAY

As BEAN and DAVID enter through the swing doors they meet ANNIE, the 
very bubbly girl in charge of entrance tickets at the reception cum 
shop counter.

ANNIE
Two dollars please.

DAVID
Annie, it's me.

ANNIE
Oh, right, yeah. (to Bean) two dollars please.

DAVID
No, Annie, no.  This is Doctor Bean. He's going to be working with us.

BEAN frowns.  That word 'doctor'.

37


ANNIE
Oh, great. Usually we charge people two dollars to come in- but for 
people who work here, that would be 730 dollars a year, which is like, 
a lot of money, so we kinda like let them off. Hi. 

BEAN smiles at her. 

ANNIE
He doesn't like to say much does he?

DAVID
Right first time.

ANNIE
I can understand THAT. Neither do I.  

As BEAN and DAVID move on, BEAN gives ANNIE a 1ittle wave. She waves 
sweetly back. She cocks her head to one side and watches him go. She 
likes Mr. BEAN a lot. 

CUT TO:

INT. GRIERSON GALLERY. GROUND FLOOR- DAY

BEAN and DAVID arrive In the ground floor gallery.  A few visitors are 
viewing the paintings. The acknowledge ELMER, the huge, ex-army, 
Security Man, sitting on a small chair by a wall, reading a newspaper. 
The pass two oldish ladies inspecting a painting

DAVID
You'll notice, our clientele is not totally young. I sometimes worry 
they're not really getting to grips with the art on a deep aesthetic 
level. 


Stay with the ladies as DAVID and BEAN head on.

OLD LADY 1
What do you think?

OLD LADY 2
0h yes - lovely - very nice.

OLD LADY 1
And what colour would you use for the curtains?

38

OLD LADY 2
Well, I thought the sort of blue in this one. (she points to a gorgeous 
blue Matisse) And I thought the curtains in the bathroom would be nice 
in this yellow ....

And-they head on to a Van Gogh with a nice yellow in it.

BEAN stops to admire a painting.  It is Pre-Raphaelite in style, 
depicting a woman reclined on a bed in a castle chamber.  She is 
wearing a chastity belt fastened with a small padlock, her breasts are 
concealed under a draped flag.  It is a tasteful and romantic picture.

DAVID
Beautiful.  'HIS MISTRESS' by John Everett Millais, 1829 to 96.  Know 
it?

BEAN shakes his head.  It's the padlock he's interested in he points at 
it and smiles.  ANNIE walks up.

ANNIE
Excuse me.  Mr Grierson called down. He's ready to see you upstairs.

DAVID
Thanks, Annie.

ANNIE walks off back the way she came, looking at BEAN approvingly over 
her shoulder.

DAVID
Better go.  Grierson hates people being late.

BEAN
Yes.  Ahm... think I'11 ...

He gestures that held like to tidy up a little.  Brush his hair, etc.  
BEAN waddles off after ANNIE clearly in need of relief.  DAVID watches 
him go.

DAVID
Why me?

CUT TO:

INT.  GRIERSON GALLERY.  CORRIDOR - DAY.

BEAN is catching up with ANNIE.  She notices him following and coyly 
smiles to herself.  She stops, turns round and grins.  She thinks he 
has come to say something to her.

39

BEAN stops dead in front of her - then turns sharp left into the men's 
washroom.  ANNIE's smile fades.


CUT TO:

INT.  GRIERSON GALLERY.  WASH ROOM - DAY

BEAN comes out of a booth.  He tidies his hair and tie in a mirror.  He 
pushes down the pressurised tap to wash his hands.  It splashes 
terribly.  The whole front of his trousers are soaked.  The last thing 
you want when about to meet your new boss.  Damn!

There now follow a quick, complicated piece of business.

1/ BEAN spots a paper-towel dispenser.  He turns towards it at just the 
moment a man exits from a booth - BEAN turns back to the sink to hide 
his trousers, as the man swiftly does his hands, goes to the paper 
dispenser, and takes the last towel.  Damn again.

2/ BEAN now puts his hope in a rolling towel.  But it's rather high.  
He has to jump to try to reach the trouser.  At which point Another Man 
enters.  Jumping BEAN has been caught in a very weird position.  He 
pretends he has .chosen the Men's Room as the place to do his rather 
energetic exercise routine.

3/ As the man leaves, he then tries to blow the patch dry with his 
mouth.  Another Man enters.  Again, BEAN is 1 compromised - pretends 
it's even more exercises.  That man also enters a booth.

4/ BEAN suddenly notices the hand drying machine!  He turns it on.  A 
healthy blast of warm air.  Annoyingly, it's also rather too high.  He 
tries jumping and bouncing to get his waist to the right height.  It's 
not going to work.  Brainwave!  He climbs up on two sinks.  Now the 
drier is blowing in exactly the right place.  BEAN sways to let the air 
cover the whole area.  It's working excellently.

5/ At which moment, one of the men exits from a booth and sees him in 
the mirror.  BEAN is in an immensely compromising sex-with-machine 
position.  He pretends he's there to change the light bulb above, which 
he takes out calmly and polishes.  The man leaves, BEAN smiles.  But as 
he exits, BEAN's face transforms - he's totally scalded his fingers on 
the scorching bulb.

40


6/ BEAN rushes to the sink, puts his fingers under the tap, pushes on 
the water - and soaks himself all over again.  At which moment, DAVID 
enters, exasperated.

DAVID
Come on!  Let's go!

BEAN exits uneasily hunched to hide his wet patch.  They enter the 
corridor, and he spots a newspaper.

CUT TO:

INT.  GRIERSON'S OFFICE - DAY

BEAN and DAVID enter.  It's a warm, formal. office.  On the wall behind 
the desk is a full-size, framed poster of Whistler's Mother.  On a 
white background, at the base of the poster, a caption reads: 'THE 
GRIERSON GALLERY, HOME OF WHISTLER'S MOTHER'.  Elsewhere, the walls are 
full of paintings.

GRIERSON and BERNIE look up from a computer screen at DAVID and BEAN, 
who is, rather weirdly, carrying a newspaper in fronts of his flies.  
GRIERSON approaches David, and shakes his hand.

GRIERSON
Ah, David.  Finally. (CHECKS HIS WATCH DELIBERATELY ) And this must be 
our professor from across the sea.

DAVID
Yes, this is Doctor Bean.

BEAN
Actually I'm not .... er ...


GRIERSON 
This is Bernard Schimmel. Bernie the Doctor.

BERNIE offers his hand.  BEAN has to do a nifty handchange to free up 
the correct hand for the handshake.  The newspaper stays firmly in 
place.

THOMAS GRIERSON
Ah ~ the Tribune - mind if I just ....

He reaches out to borrow the newspaper.  BEAN has to squeeze in right 
next to the desk and sit behind it, before he can hand the paper over    
thus ensuring the continued invisibility of the wet patch.  GRIERSON 
studies the paper for a second.

GRIERSON
Take a seat, gentlemen..... although before we settle - feast your eyes 
on these.

GRIERSON goes to a painting on a wall.  DAVID and BEAN follow ~ BEAN 
about one inch from DAVID's back, walking in perfect rhythm.

GRIERSON
Arthur Rackham.  Originals of course.  Got four of them.  Check this 
out ... Venus and the Cat, Aesop's Fables.  Isn't that something?

He heads towards said illustration on adjacent wall - and BEAN and 
DAVID follow, still totally glued together.  A strange sight.

DAVID.
They're beautiful, sir.

GRIERSON
Maybe.  Hell of a price, I'11 tell you.  Anyway - down to business.

They head back to the desk - but Bean, in a momentary lapse of 
concentration fails to follow.  He's now stuck on the wrong side of the 
room, unable to turn around.

GRIERSON
Bernie was just showing me his new ideas for a cross-gallery computer 
system.  Dr Bean - would you like to look at this?  Very exciting stuff 
....

BEAN
Ahm ... NO.

GRIERSON is slightly surprised.  But they persevere.

BERNIE
What I'm doing, Dave, is developing the ultimate user-friendly,' 
interactive public guide to the gallery.

Punching buttons on the computer, he reveals wonderful maps of the 
gallery, and when clicking on sections of the map, graphic explanations 
of each rooms contents.

42

Meanwhile.  Bean has spotted a fan on the other side of the room.  He 
moves around the room, always facing straight to the wall.  When he 
reaches the fan, he switches it on: unfortunately it's a rotating fan - 
so to keep the wind on his trousers, BEAN has to do a strange, rhythmic 
dancing movement, following the arc of the fan.

DAVID
It's very good Bernie.

BERNIE
But the particular glory of the system... is that it can also work oh 
large screens in each individual room - so we can network the program 
to every room in the gallery.

GRIERSON
Not bad, eh?  What do you think, Doctor?  Ah.... Doctor Bean?

BEAN turns, shocked to have been observed.  He looks down at his 
trousers and, HOORAY!, they're dry at last.  He's delighted, and moves 
back across the road towards them, hands in pockets, in a big, 
confident, groin-thrusting, dry-trouser boasting walk.

GRIERSON
Well, thanks for dropping by.  Enjoy your stay with our Vice President 
and his family.  They're simple people.-.but warm, yes, Doctor?

BEAN
I'm not actually... um...

GRIERSON
... Settled in yet.  I know.  Plenty of time.  Bernie, perhaps you'd 
like to take Dr. Bean on a tour of the gallery.

BERNIE
Absolutely.  This way, sir.

BEAN displays his crotch proudly one last time before he and BERNIE 
exit.  GRIERSON tries to fathom the strange man who just left.

GRIERSON
He's a genius, right?



43


DAVID
Ah... He certainly has something, sir.

GRIERSON
Very pleased you've taken him in, David.  At a time when no-one's job 
is safe, it really identifies you as a team player.

DAVID
Yes, although, I really..... thank you.  Yes, it's great to have him 
with us. The whole family's very excited.

GRIERSON
Glad to hear it.  Tell poor Mr Larson to come through, will you?

DAVID
You're not going to ....

GRIERSON
Sack him?  David, what else can I do?  This business is not, repeat, 
not breaking even. And David ... notice anything this morning?

DAVID frowns then sees.

DAVID
You've tinted your hair?  It takes years off you, sir.

GRIERSON beams.


MIX THROUGH TO:

INT.  THE GRIERSON GALLERY.  RECEPTION AREA - DAY

End of the day.. ANNIE perks up at the reception desk as DAVID, but 
especially BEAN, approaches from the gallery area.  She has a pile of 
tissues near-by and draws a heart on one of them.  She arranges it on 
the counter-top where BEAN could not fail to see it on his way to the 
exit.

DAVID
Goodnight Annie.

ANNIE
Night.

BEAN does not even notice her.  As DAVID heads for the exit, BEAN 
suddenly sneezes.

44

He reaches for ANNIE's love message and blows his nose on it. He drops 
the tissue in a bin as he exits.

ANNIE sighs her disappointment.

CUT TO:
EXT.  THE GRIERSON GALLERY.  BY PARKING LOT - DAY

(About 5 p.m.) BEAN and DAVID head for the parking lot.  On the way, 
BEAN's interest is drawn to the MIME ARTIST we met before in his 
Clinton mask, performing his heart out in front of the Dead Cars 
sculpture.  BEAN lingers.

The MIME accosts a woman, pretending to brush dust from her clothes, 
comb her hair etc.  The MIME is a bit of a pain in the ass really.  The 
woman quickly moves on.

BEAN is intrigued.  The MIME mimes climbing a ladder.  BEAN goes up 
next to him - and looks up.  There's nothing there.  He decides the 
MIME is a bit of a tricky.  This is confirmed when the MIME pretends 
he's locked behind a pane of glass.  BEAN simply pokes his finger 
through the imaginary glass wall, and hits the MIME's nose.

CUT TO: DAVID watching bemusedly some way off.

The MIME is however delighted someone is taking an interest at last.  
He takes a handkerchief from BEAN's pocket, and gets BEAN to guess 
which hand the hanky's in. It's not in the left.  Not in the right.  
BEAN isn't the slightest bit impressed - he just reaches round and 
takes the hank-y from where it's tucked into the MIME's trousers - and 
heads away.  As he moves off, the MIME touches h' on the shoulder.  
BEAN turns and the MIME starts a mocking gun duel.  He draws his guns.  
BEAN is pretty unimpressed.

The MIME turns his back and walks the 10 paces to draw. 4 He turns ....

But now BEAN decides to settles it once and for all.  In a brilliant 
piece of big mime, he puts together the biggest gun ever seen outside 
an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie.  He sets up a pedestal - opens a case ~ 
lifts out a hugely heavy gun - then the 7 bits that click on that gun.  
Then opens another case, and takes out the huge artillery shell to load 
it.

The MIME is getting very frightened.  Then BEAN pulls up an imaginary 
stool to sit behind his mega-Gatling Gun.  The MIME begins to run away.  
BEAN twirls in his imaginary seat, and lines up his sights, following 
the terrified MIME.

45

Finally, in a BOOM that almost knocks BEAN out of his imaginary seat, 
he fires. 10 seconds delay, and the MIME falls in a very dramatic 
death, 50 yards away.

BEAN is happy - and heads back to the parking lot where DAVID, arms 
folded, leans against his car.  DAVID gets into his car.  BEAN opens 
the passenger door and thumps it loudly into the side of the expensive 
car next-door (same as this morning).

CUT TO:

EXT.  SHOPPING MALL.  PARKING LOT - DAY

DAVID parks next to a beaten up convertible.

DAVID

Okay.  I'll get some steaks.  Alison loves steak ... Wine - good.  
Candy?  No candy.  Alison hates candy.  We gotta do this right, Bean, 
or ... (looks at Bean) Just stay out  of trouble, okay?

BEAN nods.  DAVID gets out and  heads for the mall.  Nearby woman tramp 
(BAG LADY) goes  through a trash can.

BEAN tries to control himself  but weakens.  He plays with all the 
buttons and switches on the dashboard; windshield wipers, lights.  Then 
he notices a throbbing noise ... He gets out of the car to investigate.

BEAN swiftly locates the throbbing sound.  The e-empty convertible has 
its engine running.  BEAN notices the keys in the ignition.  How stupid 
of someone.  He turns off the engine and takes out the keys.  There are 
several people returning to their cars with groceries.  BEAN offers the 
car keys to them as if to say: "Are these yours?"

[The following should take place at quite a speed, real drama.]

Then suddenly, A ROBBER dashes towards BEAN from the direction ' of the 
Mall, weaving in and out of parked cars, with a small white carrier 
bag, assumedly full of money.  He wears jeans, a black polo-neck and, 
much to BEAN's delight, a PRESIDENT CLINTON face-mask.  As far as 
BEAN's concerned, this is his old friend, the MIME.

ROBBER throws the bag of money on to the back seat of the convertible 
and gets in - but he cant find the keys to start it.  He frantically 
searches all his pockets ...

46


BEAN leans into shot.  He holds out the keys, grinning.

ROBBER
Gimme the keys!

BEAN runs away with them.  Or doesn't!  He is in mime mode - And runs 
on the spot, getting faster and faster.  The ROBBER approaches this 
obvious madman.  He is quite a tough, scary, and scared individual.

ROBBER
I said, give me the keys!

BEAN turns and holds out two hands, just like the MIME did to him.  The 
perplexed ROBBER picks one hand.  Wrong one.  He then.... pulls a gun 
and puts it hard to MR BEAN in BEAN's face.  Passers-by scream and fall 
to the ground, the bag lady amongst them.  Sudden harsh reality.

But not to BEAN.  He simply takes the gun, and waves it in the ROBBER's 
face, ticking him off for breaking the rules.

ROBBER
OKAY, OKAY - TAKE IT EASY!!!

BEAN gestures the ROBBER to turn around. He does, sure this sicko is 
going simply to shoot him in the head. But instead BEAN puts his back 
to the ROBBER's back, and starts to count

BEAN
1,2,3,4, 5, 6,7,8, 9,10

He turns and gestures to the ROBBER it's time to draw.  By this time a 
crowd has gathered.

ROBBER
But I haven't got a f.....

BEAN
Ssssh!!!!

He points out a small child, watching from behind a trash can.


CUT TO:

INT.  SHOPPING MALL.  EXT.  COFFEE SHOP ~ DAY

DAVID is hurrying back to the parking lot, with a bag of groceries, and 
a big bunch of red roses.. He stops dead in his tracks as he spots 
something ...

47


ALISON and CHARLES are sitting up on stools, in the window of a coffee 
shop.  ALISON laughs at something that CHARLES says.  Their body 
language suggests a certain closeness.  DAVID is saddened.  He hurries 
away.

CUT TO:
EXT.  SHOPPING MALL.  PARKING LOT ~ DAY 

BEAN waves the gun at the ROBBER.

ROBBER
I haven't got a gun.

But BEAN is pushing him to draw.  Finally...

ROBBER
Okay, okay, I'11 do it!

He draws.  BEAN draws too.  They fire.  And BEAN really fires.  To his 
amazement.  Onlookers scream.  BEAN throws the gun away in startlement.

The ROBBER lunges for it ~ BEAN kicks it away, trying to help him avoid 
such a dangerous implement.

The ROBBER lunges at BEAN who throws the keys away over his shoulder.  
The ROBBER has to scrabble under a car for them- BEAN thinks of final 
joke - and niftly swaps the ROBBER's bag, for one of the Old BAG LADY's 
bags.  A few dollar notes spill out of it.

When the ROBBER emerges with the keys, BEAN 's waiting to escort him to 
his car.  He opens the door - then spots a tourist hiding and puts his 
arm around the ROBBER and gets him to take a photograph of them.  BEAN 
removes the ROBBER's mask as the picture is taken.  Forgetting himself, 
the ROBBER smiles for the camera.

The ROBBER, jolted back to reality by the sound of approaching Police 
car sirens, jumps in the car and drives away.  BEAN waves goodbye to 
the convertible as a couple of Police cars screech up.  COPS jump out.

DAVID approaches the scene with groceries and roses. What kind of hell 
has BEAN caused now?  But instead of trouble, he sees the passers-by 
are getting to their feet, applauding BEAN and whistling!  They crowd 
round the COPS explaining what a hero BEAN has been.

BEAN hands over the gun to a COP.  He doesn't really understand what 
all the fuss is about.  He notices the BAG

48

LADY wandering away with her bags.  Should he tell her that he has 
swapped one of them for the ROBBER'S?  No. He's getting too much 
attention to be bothered.  A COP comes up to BEAN.  It is COP 1 from 
the airport scene.

COP 1
Excuse me.  Mr. er ... Cabbage?

Sudden mutual recognition.

CUT TO:

INT.  POLICE PRECINCT. INTERVIEW ROOM - NIGHT

Classic smoked filled room with street light cutting through half 
closed Venetian blinds.  Two or three DETECTIVES slouched in the 
shadows.

BRUTUS, the huge black detective from earlier, sits opposite BEAN at a 
table, smoking.  He is looking at a photo.  A close-up reveals it to be 
a full length one of BEAN and the ROBBER outside the mall with the 
ROBBER's face unmasked.  BRUTUS eyes BEAN for a while.  BEAN is 
terrified.  BRUTUS taps the photo.

BRUTUS
It's Eddie Guardino.  Go pick him up.

One of the DETECTIVES lazily leaves the room.  BRUTUS leans forward on 
his elbows.

BRUTUS
Guardino fled the scene with 160 K, in a white plastic bag. We got the 
car.  We got the bag.  And we got 20 pairs of stinking pantyhose. 
(drags on his cigarette) Anything you wanna tell me?

BEAN looks at h4-m blankly.  BRUTUS holds up the photo.

BRUTUS
'Fraid I'm gonna have to keep this.

BEAN calmly takes the picture and tears it in half.  He gives back the 
ROBBER half and puts the other half, with himself on, into his pocket.  
BRUTUS glares at him.

BRUTUS
Mr. Bean.  You lookin' to stay long in California?

49


BEAN grins.  At last.  A question he can answer.  He nods, happily.

MR. BEAN
Oh, yes.

CUT TO:

INT.  THE LEARYS' HOUSE.  KITCHEN - NIGHT

DAVID is talking to KEVIN.  BEAN is there.  In the background, Jennifer 
plays with a computer game.  DAVID is very animated.

DAVID
He was incredible.  This guy is fearless.  He has no fear.

KEVIN
That's one - way of looking at it.  You might also say this guy is 
brainless he has no brain'.

DAVID
Well, there is that ...

KEVIN
(TO BEAN )
I'11 give you a chance... Know anything about computers?

BEAN
Ahm....


CUT TO:

INT.  THE LEARYS' HOUSE.  KEVIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

KEVIN is playing an adventure game: 'GOBLINS 2' [This game exists.] The 
GOBLINS chuckle and make stupid noises that BEAN can imitate.  A catchy 
piece of music accompanies the game.

The computer monitor shows the inside of the WIZARD's house.  KEVIN 
moves the GOBLINS, and two little characters, FINGUS and WINKLE, around 
the room by clicking on areas in the room with his mouse.

BEAN and KEVIN are both wearing pointed goblin hats made from 
newspaper.

50

KEVIN
It's so embarrassing.  All the guys I know are on Goblins 3 and I'm 
still stuck with the lousy Wizard in Goblins 2.

BEAN is interested in the computer because he likes the cute little 
GOBLINS.  He gets his delighted face right up to the screen.  He sings 
along with the catchy tune.  KEVIN is getting frustrated.

KEVIN
Come on, winkle.

KEVIN clicks on a cuckoo clock in the WIZARD's room.  The cuckoo pops 
out holding a key in its beak.

KEVIN
It's gotta be here.  Something to get the key away from the stupid 
cuckoo.

BEAN scans the monitor screen: he spots a little frog at the bottom of 
the scene.  His eyes light up.  He takes the mouse and rapidly and 
repeatedly clicks on the frog.

BEAN
Click, click, click, click, click ...

The frog croaks and jumps off a little round stone.  KEVIN gets 
excited.

KEVIN
How'd you do that!?  That was so obvious!!!

BEAN grins and makes WINKLE pick up the stone.  Then he clicks through 
to inside the wizard's house.  He makes WINKLE throw the stone at the 
cuckoo which instantly drops the key from its beak.


KEVIN
Beanie, you are waaaaay Cool!

KEVIN slaps BEAN on the back.  BEAN is delighted.  Close on monitor, 
showing The Goblin game-

CUT TO:

INT.  LIVING ROOM.  DAY

Another game.  JENNIFER'S Super Nintendo game on TV in the lounge area.  
It is a Gothic game where he-man types attack Vampires and bats with 
swords.

51

DAVID is in the kitchen - setting out the roses in a vase.  The door 
opens - enter ALISON.  Some tension.

DAVID
Hi,

ALISON
Hi..... (PAUSE ) Roses.

DAVID
Yes.  And	I have a wine for dinner
that will kill you.

ALISON
Great. ( SHE SETTLES A LITTLE ) You said you'd ask Grierson about 
putting our guest somewhere else.  Did you?

DAVID
Sort of half.....

ALISON
Meaning?

DAVID
I was sort of half way through the sentence in which I would have asked 
him when it suddenly seemed like a mistake.

ALISON
Honestly David, you're so spineless.

Pause. Jennifer looks around.  She can't help but hear.  Not a happy 
experience.

DAVID
Roses.  Wine.

He is asking her for softness.  Pause.  At which moment BEAN enters 
wearing pointy hat. He helps himself to a melon from a bowl.  He grins 
and exits.  ALISON looks at DAVID sadly.

ALISON
But no real change.

Almost instantly, BEAN is back.  He rummages through a drawer and takes 
out some large elastic bands.  And leaves.

ALISON
I really do need some time on my own. Away from here.

52



DAVID
Look, Bean's history.  I swear to you, he's packing as we speak.  And 
you can't leave. ( HE PICKS UP THE BAMBI ) I've got Bambi.  You never 
go anywhere without him.  Please let's just talk.


ALISON
Okay. ( GHOST OF A SMILE ) Put Bambi down, and we'll talk.

He puts Bambi down on the side-table, on the flat surface of his CD 
player.  BEAN appears again behind her, now looking even madder.  
Pointy hat, large pointy ears made from melon peel, held in place by 
the rubber band stretched round his face ~ huge front teeth also cut 
from the melon.  He grins gleefully.

DAVID and ALISON just stare. BEAN is followed by KEVIN who wears the 
same ears and teeth.

DAVID
Look, you guys, could you just give us a moment to ... Jennifer - could 
you turn that damn thing down.

It is quite loud.  JENNIFER looks for the remote control. BEAN 
helpfully picks up a remote control from the sofa and points it across 
the room.

ALISON
No, that's not for the TV.  That's for the ...

Too late!  BEAN punches a button and the lid of the CD
player launches the Bambi into the air.                          

DAVID sees it.  In slow motion he dives dramatically and just misses 
it.  It smashes on the floor.

BEAN raises his eyes heavenwards, shakes his head and tuts.  He thinks 
DAVID is a real Butter Fingers.

JENNIFER, upset, has found the TV remote and unintentionally switches 
from the Vampire game to a TV channel.  It's very loud.

ALISON gives DAVID a tearful look, and shakes her head.

CUT TO:

EXT.  THE LEARY HOUSE   NIGHT.

A taxi drives away.  Alison is in it.
CUT TO:

INT.  HALLWAY- NIGHT.

JENNIFER and KEVIN are in their night clothes.  They sit with David on 
the stairs ~ still looking at the door-Alison left through.


KEVIN
I wish I could use that at school.  "Hey, Teach, no hard feelings ... 
It's just things between us ain't what they used to be and I need a 
little space, ya know?  So I'11 see you around in a couple of years, 
maybe".

JENNIFER
It's a kind of an interesting swap. Mom for the Man from Ga Ga.

She gets up and walks away.

DAVID
Jen - you don't wanna talk about it?

JENNIFER
It's you and Mom that need to talk.

DAVID
Sure.  You're right.

KEVIN
You know, Mr. Bean's okay.  You're not gonna kick him out, are you, 
Dad?

JENNIFER
(FROM HER DOOR) 
Of course he is.

KEVIN
Are you?

DAVID
Yes, I am.  I must.


CUT TO:

INT.  HALL/BEAN'S ROOM.  DAY.


DAVID heads for Mr BEAN's room, and knocks cautiously on the door.

54

BEAN
(o. o. v)
Enter.

DAVID enters - Camera follows as DAVID finds his way through BEAN's 
washing hanging from strings across the room.  BEAN is sticking things 
in a picture album.

DAVID
Hi, am I disturbing you?

BEAN gives him an affable smile.  In a pause before he quite gathers 
himself to broach the difficult subject, DAVID asks a polite question.

DAVID
May I?

BEAN acquiesces.  He starts from the beginning, with pictures of him as 
a kid.  Always standing on his own.

Picture of BEAN with mop of frizzy hair, at 16.  DAVID smiles.  BEAN 
mimes stupid disco dancing.

DAVID turns another page.  It is a sequence of pictures of BEAN at 
famous UK locations - Big Ben, Stonehenge, Buckingham Palace, 10 
Downing Street.  They are .idiosyncratic because all taken by him at 
arms length with his Polaroid - so he never quite makes it squarely 
into shot.

A whole page of Teddy.  Then three pages of BEAN's mini with dates, on 
labels, going way back.

Then a whole page of garden gnomes.

DAVID
None of your folks here - Family?

BEAN starts to look for something in particular.  DAVID uses the pause 
to broach the awful subject.

DAVID
Look... the reason I came in here was to ... well... since you've been 
here twelve all...

BEAN has found what he was looking for.  It is the picture of the 
family that he took from the landing on his first night here.  What's 
left of the Polaroid of himself, from the mall, that he rescued from 
BRUTUS, is stuck next to it. He's even written - 'Bean & Family' - he 
doesn't realise there's anything sad about it.  But DAVID is rather 
moved.  Pause.

55

DAVID
Well, that's er...great. Look, I just came in ... (no, he cant do it) 
... to say good night.  Okay?

BEAN nods.  DAVID smiles and goes to the door.

BE-AN waves good-bye a little rudely and gets back to the album.  Even 
when we feel sorry for him, he's a little rude.  DAVID walks away, 
shaking his head.

DAVID
Spineless.
CUT TO:

INT.  DAVID AND ALISON'S BEDROOM.

The first morning without ALISON.  "She's Gone" by Hall & Oats begins 
to play, a song full of yearning.

DAVID feels the other side of the bed.  No-one there.

He walks into the bathroom and turns on the shower.  Then walks back 
into the bedroom - She's gone - I've got to learn how to face it " He 
takes a towel from a cupboard and returns to the bathroom.  He feels 
very alone.

He removes his pyjamas and gets into the steam-filled shower. - she's 
gone - she's gone" - but the camera moves to reveal that he is not 
alone after all.  BEAN has, simply entered the shower, and is now 
happily soaping himself, wearing ALISON's shower cap. manly screams 
from the both of them.

CUT TO:
INT.  THE GRIERSON GALLERY.  CANTEEN - DAY.

DAVID sitting down at table, with BEAN, who is tucking in happily ~ 
eating a burger & bun with knife and fork.  DAVID speaks after a 
longish pause.

DAVID
Bean can I ask you something?

BEAN nods.

DAVID
Do you think you can ever really know someone?  Even if you've known 
them, well, almost all your life?  What do you think?

56


BEAN thinks hard, then looks at his watch, makes his excuses and simple 
walks away.

CUT TO:

INT.  GALLERY CORRIDOR.  DAY.

BEAN at a pay phone.  He dials carefully-
CUT TO:

INT.  BEAN'S BED-SIT.  DAY

10 am U.K. time. (The following takes place in a matter of seconds) 
Close on the T.V. A morning kids show blares out.  A huge wardrobe 
stands four feet away from a wall.  There is a string tied to one of 
it's door handles, stretching out of shot.  The wardrobe seems to be 
leaning backwards at an angel.  It rocks slightly and creaks. (Feature 
its padlock).

There is a folded ironing board balanced over a roll of hall carpet, 
see-saw fashion.  One end of it is wedged under the wardrobe.

BEAN's G.P.O. phone rings on the table and it's vibrations cause the 
bust of BEETHOVEN to fall over the edge of the table.  It lands on the 
end of the ironing board.  The Wardrobe groans as it is set off balance 
and falls against the wall with a heavy thump! and raising of dust.  
The string tied to its handle becomes taut.

CUT TO: the T.V. plug in its socket.  This end of the string is tied to 
it.  The string tightens and the plug is yanked out of the socket.
The T.V. screen goes blank.  Shot of TEDDY in the cardboard hotel'.

CUT TO:


INT.  CANTEEN.  DAY.

BEAN returns, sits down and starts to eat again. David is still deep in 
thought.

DAVID

Well, they say there's only one way to get over this sort of thing.  
Take it day by day.  Keep working.  Keep to your normal patterns.  
That's the only hope.  So let's just ... take today shall we?

57

BEAN nods.  He is not on David's emotional level here.

DAVID
I think the time has come from you to meet the grand Madame.  She's all 
around you ... how do you fancy meeting her in the flesh?

Sure enough, all around are posters, and the silhouette of Whistler's 
Mother.  BEAN nods, though fairly distracted by the slice of gherkin 
he's found in his bun and now picks out with his fingers.

CUT TO:

INT.  THE GRIERSON GALLERY.  CORRIDOR - DAY.

BEAN and David en route to the painting.

DAVID
I usually only let her out for the big summer exhibition - but' let's 
see whether what they say about the healing power of great works of art 
is true, huh?

CUT TO:


INT.  THE WHOLE GALLERY - DAY

BEAN and DAVID do the rest of the journey, in quick cuts - along 
corridors - in an elevator.  A sense of expectation and excitement.  En 
route, they are joined by ELMER, the huge Security Guard.

The three arrive outside a large oak door.  ELMER ceremoniously unlocks 
the door, all the time glaring at BEAN - who swallows hard.  A light 
turns green and a buzzer sounds.

Then there is the door to the inner sanctum.  ELMER stares at BEAN as 
he unlocks it.  Another light turns green and another buzzer sounds.

DAVID
As you can see, security's pretty tight in this section.  Nobody gets 
past Elmer here.  Isn't that right?

ELMER
Not in one piece anyway.  I see Mrs Whistler as kind of ... like my own 
dear mother.  I'd kill any man that tried to interfere with her.  The 
Vice President here will vouch for that.

58


DAVID
You've known me five years Elmer. When do you get to calling me David?

ELMER
Not my place, sir.  It would only be a matter of time before I'm 
calling you Dave.  Then where would we be?  By next year, you're my 
Sweety-Pie" and I'm "Coochie-Coo".  I'11 be back in 15.

He salutes, glares at BEAN and walks away.  BEAN and DAVID enters the 
room.  BEAN looks warily back at ELMER

DAVID
You think he's tough you should see the size of the hunk that works the 
night shift.

CUT TO:

INT.  THE GRIERSON GALLERY.  THE WHISTLER ROOM - DAY.  

The room is very dark, only tiny lights in the corner.

DAVID
Stay there.  Keep your eyes closed. One final lock, one final key.

DAVID unlocks double doors in a wall with a plastic key card.  Buzz - 
click!  The camera holds on BEAN, his eyes tight shut.  The lights go 
up on BEAN's face, a magical golden glow.

DAVID
Right.  Open now.

Cut round - and there is this beautiful and very famous painting, 
lovingly shot.  Music.  Atmosphere.  Glory.

BEAN opens his eyes and looks at the painting.

BEAN

Mmmmm. Nice.

DAVID
I'11 leave you with her for a few minutes.  I'm sure you'll want to 
give her a proper inspection.  But whatever you do, don't leave the 
room.  Megasecurity, okay?  Catch you.

BEAN nods.  DAVID leaves him.  BEAN is still for a while and then goes 
up and inspects it closely.

59

He tuts disapprovingly as he spots dust on the bottom of the frame.  He 
blows it away fussily.  He steps back to admire the painting.  There is 
dust up his nose and... SNEEZE - all over the painting!

He takes out his handkerchief and wipes the spittle off in panic.  Then 
looks back at the painting.  Unfortunately, there now seems to be a big 
blue mark right across Mrs Whistler's face..

BEAN checks his handkerchief.  Yes, there's wet ink all over it.  He 
finds the leaking pen in his pocket. 0 God.  He takes out his shirt, 
spits on it and tries to wipe the painting, but he can't make the shirt 
reach it.  He takes the painting down from the wall and has another go.  
NO GOOD!  The ink just spreads right over Whistler's Mother's pure 
white collar.

BEAN now looks round in panic.  What the hell can he do?  He goes to 
the heavy door - and looks out into the corridor.  He hears someone 
coming, hides and sees a young girl from the catering staff wheeling a 
slightly squeaky trolley past, covered with a white cloth.

He goes back in - and has an idea.  He goes to a little table in the 
corner and begins to take thing off it.

CUT TO:

INT.  GALLERY.  UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - DAY.

The door opens, and BEAN emerges, pushing what appears to be a trolley 
covered with a white cloth.  Although, if you look carefully, this 
trolley actually has no legs.  It is the painting covered with the 
table cloth.  To make it a bit more convincing, BEAN makes an apt 
squeaky noise.

He proceeds along the thin corridor - and then sees another exactly 
similar trolley coming right towards him.' A problem.  As they get 
close, BEAN suddenly pretends he sees something astonishing behind the 
on-coming man.

BEAN
(silently mouths)
What the ... !!!

When the man turns, BEAN just twists his painting sideways and shoots 
past him.  We see the face of the deeply perplexed trolley-pusher when 
he looks back and BEAN is no longer there.  He turns round to BEAN, who 
turns back to him with a totally blank and innocent look.  BEAN sees an 
elevator and heads for it.

CUT TO:

60

INT.  THE GRIERSON GALLERY.  ELEVATOR - DAY

Inside the elevator, BEAN relaxes for a moment.  He leans the painting 
against the wall and presses the third floor button.  The bell dings.

ELEVATOR VOICE 
Second floor.

BEAN manages to get the painting into trolley position before the doors 
open to a group of six very fat middle aged people.  They all wear 
large badges declaring them to be members of a 'Diet Club'.  They 
squeeze into the elevator along both sides of BEAN's trolley.  There is 
a very, very, THIN WOMAN behind them who can't fit on.

THIN WOMAN
I guess I'll see you up there, guys.

The doors close.  As the painting is wedged against the fat people's 
stomachs on both sides, BEAN is able to let go of it and make a great 
show of checking his watch.  He nonchalantly, drums the fingers of both 
hands on the top of the trolley'.  The bell dings.

ELEVATOR VOICE
Third floor.

The doors open.  BEAN flips the painting onto its side and strolls out 
of the elevator.  The 'Diet Cub, members stare, after him.

BEAN heads on, squeaking - and at last sees what he's looking for.  A 
men's room.

CUT TO: 

INT.  GRIERSON GALLERY.  MEN'S ROOM - DAY

BEAN enters, relieved.  It is small, just a little sink, a towel and a 
toilet.  About a yard wide - but the picture fits in.

BEAN starts to wash the painting very carefully and lo!!  The ink 
starts to come off.  Massive relief.  Then, alas, someone tries the 
handle of the door.  BEAN speeds up. A knock.  He peers out the 
keyhole.  There are now 4 people waiting.  BEAN is very worried.

CUT TO:

61

INT.-GRIERSON GALLERY.  OUTSIDE MEN'S ROOM - DAY

Pause.  Then out comes BEAN, drying his empty hands, miming, "Sorry, 
Sorry.". We see into the toilet. nothing there.  No sign of the 
painting.  BEAN turns sharply left.

CUT TO:
EXT.  GRIERSON GALLERY - DAY

DAVID is talking to BERNIE in the grounds.  We can see the side of the 
whole gallery in shot as they talk.

BERNIE
I was hoping DU.  Bean might take a look at my computer project today.

DAVID
Yes.  I'11 mention it to him.  But ... he's kind of his own guy, you 
know?

BERNIE
Howls he getting on with the family?

DAVID
Ah. Fine.  It's good.  It's great.

We will be slightly distracted by the observation that Whistler's 
Mother, America's most valuable painting, is at this moment balanced on 
a very thin ledge three floors up - where Bean has put in, outside the 
Men's room window.  A bird and then a couple more birds perch on it.

BERNIE
And howls Alison?

DAVID
She's ... well, she's good.

BERNIE
Saw her at the movies the other night with that boss of hers.  Nice 
guy.  Good looking.

DAVID
Yes, isn't he.

BERNIE
It's great when people who work together can become real friends.

DAVID
Isn't it?

62

BERNIE
I like to think that's what's happened with you and me ... even though 
you're kinda my boss.  Still maybe it won't always be that way, huh?

DAVID doesn't quite see what BERNIE is getting at but smiles politely.

Now we see BEAN's plan - he has emerged at a nearby window.  He can't 
reach the painting at first.  So he stretches further and further out 
the window.  No good.  Finally he has to go out on the ledge.  He shoos 
away the birds, who then decide to settle on him instead.  Finally he 
gets a hand on the painting.  As he does so, he loses hold.  He just 
manages to grabs a window before he falls.

DAVID
Look, I've left Bean on his own. Nice to chat though Bernie - always a 
subtle joy.

BERNIE
Thanks, David.  Always a pleasure.

Period.

BEAN is slowly managing to claw his way back towards the open window 
with the painting.  It is an extraordinary piece of acrobatics.  DAVID 
turns to go.

BERNIE
By the way.  Don't know what you think, Mr Vice President, but I've 
been hinting to the old man that someone's got to have the balls to 
take some sort of emergency measures around here - or we're all in the
crap house.  What do you think?                     


DAVID
'Emergency measures, in your book means sack people right?

BERNIE
Not necessarily.  That's where this ... ( POINTS TO HIS BRAIN ) comes 
in.  No, I've had a better idea than sacking people.  You'll hear soon 
enough.

BERNIE grins and walks away. Bean does one final swing, and ....

CUT TO:

63
INT.  GRIERSON GALLERY.  STOREROOM - DAY.

A small storeroom where Bean's wriggling bottom is just coming back 
through the window.  He has the picture and is safe.

He sets the picture down on a table.  Darn!  The birds have done their 
business on it.

He maniacally rummages through various dusty cans and bottles on a 
shelf.  He chooses a can, too rusty to read its label, takes off the 
lid and sniffs.  This smells like the right sort of stuff.  He pours 
the liquid on to a rag and rubs it on the face of Mrs. Whistler.  The 
solvent effortlessly removes the ink stain.  Whistler's Mother looks as 
good as new.

BEAN is so, so, relieved.  But then he notices something else 
happening.  The liquid did not stop with removing the stain.  It is now 
busy removing Whistler's Mother's face entirely.  As Bean watches-in 
frozen horror, America's most famous painting turns back to a blank 
canvas.

BEAN thinks for a second - and then has a desperate thought.  Removing 
the pen that started all the trouble, he decides to try to draw back on 
Whistler's Mother's 'face.  He doesn't have much time.  It shows.  
Where once was a sublime oil painting, is now a biro line-drawing which 
looks a little like Danny de Vito.

Bean lifts it against the wall to check how it's worked.  
Unfortunately, there's a nail there.  The picture tears, Bean panics - 
it tears even more.  Total destruction.

CUT TO:



INT.  GRIERSON GALLERY.  CORRIDOR - DAY.                           


BEAN Hurries down the corridor with his pseudo-trolley again, and a 
vaguely mad look on his face.  He spots ANNIE at a drinks machine.  She 
smiles sweetly (here comes her man) BEAN takes a sharp left into an 
adjacent corridor.  ANNIE is hurt.

ANNIE
True love can be very hard.

CUT TO:

INT.  THE GRIERSON GALLERY.  THE WRONG ROOM - DAY

Close on the double doors (identical to those of the Whistler Room) 
BEAN enters with the Painting, under the

64

cloth. He closes the doors and rests a moment to catch his breath.  He 
takes a step into the room and freezes.

The very fat 'Diet Club, people are seated at easels, paint brushes 
poised.  The very THIN WOMAN is standing in the centre of the room in 
her underwear with a Greek urn perched on her shoulder.  All eyes are 
on BEAN, who exits very quickly.

CUT TO:

INT.  INNER SANCTUM.  WHISTLER ROOM DAY.

BEAN gets back to the right rooms and closes the door desperately 
behind him.

He stands frozen for a second - and at that moment, a hand tries the 
door.  BEAN leaps at it and stops. the handle turning.  Then there's a 
knock.  BEAN moves the big table in front of the door - he's 
barricading himself in.  There's a famous Rodin sculpture in there - he 
shoves it along to block, the door as well.  When he's succeeded, he 
leans hot and sweaty against it - and a door on the other side of the 
room calmly opens and .... DAVID walks in.

DAVID
Seems to be a problem with the door.(PAUSE) Where's the picture gone?

BEAN
Ahm.....

DAVID
What?  What?

Pause.  Pause.  BEAN finally shows it.  Not a pretty sight.

DAVID
Oh Jesus.  Oh God.  Oh Jesus God.  Oh Mary Mother of Jesus. Oh Jesus of 
Nazareth.

BEAN
oh dear.

DAVID
What happened?!!!

BEAN
Ahm.... (setting himself up for an interesting, comprehensive answer).

65

DAVID
Don't bother (panicking) Oh my god.....

He rushes to the door he just came in - and locks it.

Wait a minute - why am I worrying about this? I did it.  I just go out 
and tell them what happened - you're a madman from England and you did 
this terrible thing and it's not my fault.  That's right, isn't it?

BEAN nods, knowing he deserves his doom.

Perfect - and then they say - who left him alone with the picture?" And 
I say - "me".  And they say "you're fired".  And I say ' right'.  And 
so I get fired and you go to jail and no one's any happier.

BEAN shakes his head.

And then they say, "firing David isn't enough - let's prosecute him for 
negligence.  And they prosecute me and it turns out I was negligent and 
I go to jail, and my wife leaves me and my daughter becomes a 
prostitute and I end up on Death Row sharing a cell with Butch McDick, 
the infamous gay rapist - or worse, I end up in the same cell as you!

BEAN looks hurt.

No, no...Now, let's just be calm let's think about this calmly. (he 
tries - and fails ... ) Oh Godigodigod!  Okay, now wait.  Let's have 
another look at it.

BEAN shows it to him.

Jesus!!!  I'm already thinking back to 5 minutes ago as paradise. 5 
minutes ago - just walking along, shooting the breeze with my old pal 
Bernie.

BEAN then he has a brilliant idea.  He hangs the painting back up in 
the security cupboard and closes the doors.  Then he removes from his 
pocket a small note book.

66



He scribbles something on it, tears the page out, licks it and sticks 
it on the cupboard door. It reads 'OUT OF ORDER'. 



DAVID
Brilliant.  Brilliant. Problem solved!

BEAN is delighted. 

Apart from the tiny drawback that the first person who opens the 
cupboard will say -"Look, someone's totally destroyed Whistler's 
Mother- let's kill them". 

BEAN is less delighted.

No - the most important thing is tbat no-one sees it.
Ever again!

He locks the cupboard with his plastic card key-

That's the first thing.  Then ... that's the first thing.... Next ... 
next is the next thing which is... obviously... ritual suicide.  Look, 
let's get out of here.  Try to act natural.

The let themselves out and go into the corridor- BEAN acting his 
version of 'natural' - very liquid. 

CUT TO:



INT.  CORRIDOR.  DAY-

They bump straight into GRIERSON and ELMER.

GRIERSON
Ah, David.  Showing Dr. Bean our good lady?

BEAN
Actually I'm not a...

DAVID
That's right - Whistler's Mother. Looking at his mother - not his 
father - not interested in his father, Couldn't give a flying doughnut 
for his sisters or brothers - just his mother. Yes. 


GRIERSON
Well, good - think I may go and look at her myself... 
	

67


DAVID
No!

GRIERSON
Er ... pray tell me why?

ELMER
Because they've just cut her into tiny pieces, sir.  That's why.

BEAN and DAVID die and go to hell until ELMER laughs at his own little 
joke.  GRIERSON laughs too.

ELMER
I better continue my rounds, sir..

He strolls away.

DAVID
The thing is, sir, I've just been giving the painting a very thorough 
inspection, with the help of Dr Bean here - and we feel the time's come 
for Whistler's Mum to have her first face-lift.

GRIERSON
Time taken its toll on the old girl, eh?

DAVID
Exactly.  She's in a surprisingly terrible state.  Isn't she, Bean?

BEAN
Oh yes.

DAVID
Whistler was a great painter, but he wasn't a great chooser of paints 
....

BEAN hudders at the thought of his paint-choosing.

The colours are beginning to fade.  However ~ if you give me just one 
little year I can restore the picture to its original glory, the way it 
looked when Whistler's Mom first looked at it and said.... 0 Actually 
I'm not sure you've got the hair right, darling." By the way, your hair 
is looking great today, sir.

68

GRIERSON
Thank you David.  However, flattery will get you nowhere.  Truth is, I 
have a rather different plan for Whistler's dear Mama.  Bernie and I 
have been inspecting our books - and the long and short of it is, we 
cannot survive with our current losses, so ...

DAVID
... you have to sack me.  I understand, sir.  I'll go quietly.  In fact 
I'll go right now.

GRIERSON
No. no, no, hold on ... We cant sustain our loses - so I've decided.. 
to sell Whistler's Mother.

DAVID lets out a little yelp.

GRIERSON
Brilliant, huh?  I already have a prospective buyer - the current 
Governor of California, no less, who is flies in tomorrow to inspect 
her and clinch the deal.  Spread the news.  I think decisive leadership 
has done the trick, don't you?

DAVID
Yes, sir.  Yes, sir.  Congratulations. Marvellous thing.  Bravo.

GRIERSON leaves.  DAVID turns to BEAN.

DAVID
Bean.  Do you drink?

BEAN shakes his head.

DAVID
Neither do I.

CUT TO:


INT.  BAR - NIGHT

It is very late and very gloomy.  Just a couple of loners staring into 
their drinks.  The BARTENDER is up one end of the counter, smoking and 
reading the sports pages.  There is a T.V. on above the bar, showing 
baseball.

69

BEAN and DAVID are sitting up at the bar.  The latter has had far too 
much whisky and looks the worse for it.  BEAN has a tall glass packed 
with fruit and paper umbrellas.  We can guess how much he's had to 
drink by the way he has difficulty finding the straw with his mouth.  
DAVID almost, but not quite, slurs his words:

DAVID
It's just a matter of acceptance, isn't it ... lose your job - lose you 
wife ... C'est la vie.  You ever been married, Bean?

He turns to BEAN who has the end of a straw up his nose.

DAVID
I guess not.

He fills his glass from a bottle.

You know, I don't get it.  The New Artist exhibition-this year - people 
might not all have liked the dead sheep, but ... the place didn't look 
that empty to me.  It wasn't full but I saw people.  I just don't 
understand how the gallery can be so bankrupt they have to sell the 
Whistler.

He looks at BEAN who now has peanuts in each nostril.  
DAVID notices the BARTENDER looking at BEAN strangely ....

DAVID
He's English, okay?  You wanna make something of it?

BARTENDER goes back to reading.  DAVID searches for his last train of 
thought, taking a huge swig from his drink.

DAVID
... To hell with the figures.  I'm not a damn accountant.  I'm an 
artist. You know, me and Ali met in art school?  I cut quite a figure 
then.  Far cry from the man you see before you now.  Then, I smoked 
Gitanes before I went to bed, to help me sort out the problems of the 
world.  Now, I take a spoonful of laxative before I go to bed to help 
me sort out the problem with my bowels.

70


BEAN at that moment is keen to show DAVID his nut trick.  He throws a 
peanut high into the air - and catches it in his mouth.  Then does two.  
Then does it with his eyes closed.  Actually, it's rather impressive.

DAVID
Truth is, I disappointed her.  I turned out to have no spine.  
Spineless.  A kind of medical miracle.  Mr Flippy-Floppy.  I just don't 
seem to be able to fight - cant stick up for myself.  Too nice.  I 
mean, I should never have let you come stay and I should be handing you 
over to the police right now.  Shall I tell you something, Beanie ...

Bean has been interested all this, even looking to check whether David 
does indeed have no spine.  But now the baseball on the TV is making it 
hard for him to concentrate on-this important confidence.  He raises a 
finger, for DAVID to be quiet for a second.  He blows a peanut from 
his, nostril at the T.V. - it hits the button, and changes station to a 
pleasant quiet-music station.

DAVID
Do you want to know what the reality of the situation is?

BEAN nods his head, very curious, listening hard.

This is it.  Because you moved into my house, my wife has left me.  She 
might have done it anyway - but you were the ten ton weight that broke 
the camel's spinal column.

BEAN stares at DAVID - something is getting in he's actually 
registering this.

That's point one.  And point two - is that you've destroyed Whistler's 
Mother, which was' the last hope for the place where I work.  So within 
a week, I'm going to lose my job as well.

BEAN nods, seriously dispirited.

71

DAVID
So, you've totally and utterly destroyed my life.  Do you understand?  
You've put me in a position where it would have been better if I'd 
never been born.

He puts his hand on BEAN'S shoulder.  BEAN looks down.

Very sad.  This is actually the first time in his life that he's 
realised that his actions have really effected the life of another 
person.  BEAN looks up sadly.  Sad music plays.

CUT TO:


INT.  LEARY HOUSE.  DAVID'S ROOM - NIGHT

DAVID is asleep in bed.  The camera moves out into the hall and into 
BEAN's room.


INT.  THE LEARY HOUSE.  BEAN'S ROOM- NIGHT.

BEAN is lying, fully dressed, in the darkness, on his back.  Thinking.  
Worried by what he's heard.  Then suddenly an idea comes into his eyes.  
The music is like his brain He jumps off the bed.

There follows a version of the classic tooling up for action sequence.  
But the 'tools' here are distinctly bizarre.  BEAN picks up his 
suitcase, and in quick cuts, rushes through the house and collects....

DAVID'S PLASTIC KEY CARD
A PAIR OF Y-FRONTS

A TORCH.
SOME OF KEVIN'S CHEWING GUM. 6 EGGS
A COOKING BASIN
A CUP
A LARGE PAINT BRUSH
A BOTTLE OF CLEAR NAIL VARNISH DAVID'S LARGE TIN OF LAXATIVE.  A HAIR 
DRIER
AN ACTION MAN DOLL
A POSTER OF THE GIRL AND HER BOTTOM WITH THE TENNIS BALL.

TWO OVEN GLOVES
A SKATEBOARD
AND 4 VOLUMES OF THE ENCYCLOPAEDIA BRITANNICA.
Fully tooled, he snaps the suitcase shut.
CUT TO:


72


EXT.  GALLERY.  NIGHT.

The building is floodlit by ground spots.

BEAN arrives silently, with suitcase, on the skateboard.  Soon his full 
plan will be revealed.  The Gallery is empty, apart from the one 
Security Guard, BUCK, visible through the glass front of the building, 
drinking coffee, watching his 12 security monitors.  BEAN swallows at 
the sight of BUCK - he is a massive gorilla of a man.

CUT TO:


INT.  GRIERSON GALLERY.  RECEPTION - NIGHT.

BUCK is casually watching his screens, when suddenly, horror of horror, 
the huge silhouette of a person hanging .themselves from a tree outside 
appears, the shadow of the limp body thrown across the floodlit gallery 
wall.  BUCK frantically rushes out.  And BEAN subtly slips in.

CUT TO:


EXT.  GRIERSON GALLERY - NIGHT.

BUCK is looking for the body amongst the trees.  He finds nothing.  
Because he fails to notice the tiny ACTION MAN swinging gently in front 
of one of the ground-level floodlights.

CUT TO:


INT.  GRIERSON GALLERY - NIGHT'.

Inside, BEAN is casually pouring the entire contents of DAVID's large 
laxative tin into BUCK's coffee.  He also swaps two keys on the board 
of keys by the desk.  He then takes the opportunity to put the oven 
gloves on his feet, one shaped like a pig, one like a crocodile, so he 
can move silently.

BUCK returns.  He sits down, and takes a long gulp of coffee.  Pause.  
BEAN watches.  BUCK feels something uncomfortable in his stomach.  He 
takes a key from his rack of keys, and sets off and rounds a corner- On 
a monitor screen, BEAN watches him break into a canter - as he passes 
through another monitor BUCK is at full sprint.  BEAN giggles.

BEAN is satisfied he'll be uninterrupted for a while.  He goes to the 
key-rack, borrows two keys, and sets off on his mission.  The next 3 
minutes of film are a sequence of cuts between three scenarios:

73


FIRST: BUCK - his next 10 minutes are not happy ones.  When he reaches 
the toilet, the key he chose does not unlock it.  He has to sprint 
back, grab all the keys, and charge back again to the door.  Then he 
has to try out every single key.  We never see him find the right one.

SECOND scenario - all the activities of the night shown on the security 
monitors.  BUCK sprinting desperately through shot - BEAN casually 
going about his business and, on one occasion, BUCK running right past 
BEAN, but not seeing him - he has other things on his mind.

THIRD scenario - we actually see BEAN's Big Plan.

He unlocks the merchandise shop.  So he can see properly and have his 
hands free, he puts the y-fronts on his head, and wedges the torch into 
them, like a head-lamp.  He then takes a poster of Whistler's Mother 
and replaces it with the rolled-up Tennis Ball Girl.  He unrolls the 
Whistler and places the 4 encyclopaedias on its corners to hold it 
down.

He separates the yokes from the eggs, mixes the whites with clear nail 
varnish and varnishes the-poster with it.  Dries it off with the hair 
drier.

,With the now stiff poster, he heads up elevators and escalators to get 
to the Whistler Room itself, all the time chewing gum frantically.  
Once there, he unlocks the final cupboard with David's plastic key, 
takes the Whistler down and removes the destroyed Mother from its 
gilded frame, and its wooden support frame.  He uses the chewed gum to 
stick the new one down to the old frame.

He then puts the very convincing forgery back into the security 
cupboard and relocks it with DAVID's key card.

The job is done.  He scrunches up the old, torn picture, pops it in a 
dustbin, and heads off.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET.  NIGHT-

BEAN zipping along on the skate board with his suitcase.

CUT TO:

INT.  GRIERSON GALLERY.  UTILITY ROOM - NIGHT.

BUCK, trouserless, is sitting, reading a newspaper next to a noisy 
washing machine.

CUT TO:

74


INT.  THE LEARY HOUSE.  BEAN'S ROOM.  NIGHT.  KITCHEN - DAY

BEAN lies back in bed with quiet satisfaction.

CUT TO:


INT.  DAVID'S ROOM.  MORNING.

DAVID wakes with a violent start.

DAVID
0 my God. Tell it vas a dream.

The door swings open.  It is Bean with a tray of coffee and toast.

BEAN
Morning.


DAVID
It wasn't a dream, was it.  I have to go in to work and tell them 
Whistler's Mother now looks like Danny De Vito.

BEAN
Well, Ahm....

He laughs cheerily.

DAVID
What?

CUT TO:


INT.  DAVID'S CAR.

Bean is still chuckling.

CUT TO:


INT.  GALLERY.  CORRIDOR.

Still highly amused, BEAN guides DAVID in the direction of Whistler's 
Room.  David takes out his key to open the room - but the door swings 
open.  DAVID is shocked.  There stands GRIERSON, looking straight at 
Whistler's Mum.  In all its untorn, unsmudged, undestroyed glory.

75

GRIERSON
I think you're wrong, David.  She looks as fine as she's ever looked.  
Worth every cent of the 10 million dollar-s.

DAVID
Ahm....

GRIERSON
Bravo.  Let's put on a good show tomorrow, shall we?  Don't want 
anything to go wrong.

DAVID
Quite right, sir.

Grierson leaves.  David gets close to the painting and peers ....

DAVID
Wait a minute.

BEAN just puts his finger to his mouth...

BEAN
Ssshhhh.

He lets out a hug smile - he can solve the problems of the world, as 
well as create them.


INT. THE LEARY HOUSE. HALL- SATURDAY

JENNIFER skips down t-he stairs, carrying a trendy duffel bag, just as 
DAVID enters from the kitchen.

JENNIFER
Bye, Dad.

DAVID
Ah ... Jennifer, I need you to watch Kevin.  Jen?

But JENNIFER has already reached the front door ....

JENNIFER
Be serious, Dad.  It's Saturday.

She exits.

CUT TO:

76


EXT.  THE LEARY HOUSE - DAY

JENNIFER is heading down the path.  DAVID runs out of the house and 
catches up with her.

DAVID
Jen, you have to help me here!  I've got to go in to work, and with 
your mom away ... I really need you.

A powerful motorbike turns into the drive at speed and skids round to 
face the opposite direction.  JENNIFER runs over to it. The bike's 
rider turns off his engine and removes his helmet.  It is STINGO, the 
white Rasta from the airport, with the hair extensions and the sixty 
rings in his nose.

STINGO
(to DAVID) 
You.

He hands JENNIFER a helmet.

JENNIFER
Don't worry, Dad.  I'll be home. Monday, after school.

BEAN and KEVIN arrive at DAVID's side to spectre.

KEVIN
Hey, En, nice bike'- but remember: any kids you have are gonna look 
just like its handsome driver.

DAVID
(angry now)
Jennifer!  This is not - repeat, not! how we do things in this family.  
I've told you never to get on one of those death traps!  Please - talk 
to me.  I promise to be reasonable.

JENNIFER has put on the helmet and is climbing onto the back of the 
bike.

JENNIFER
Great, Dad.  You promised you'd get rid of him! (points at Bean) And as 
for: "how we do things in this family. We don't have a family till you 
get Mom back.

77

She slaps STINGO on the shoulder.  STINGO kicks the starter lever.  
Nothing.  Again.  Nothing ...


JENNIFER
Come on Sting!

KEVIN
Sting?!  Sounds like something you put on a rash.

STINGO is still kicking the starter.  DAVID is desperate.

DAVID
Don't just stand there, Bean - do something.

BEAN instantly takes on the hero's mantle and runs to the bike.  DAVID 
is not far behind him.  STINGO is still trying to kick start it.  BEAN 
takes out a small screwdriver and twiddles with something on the 
engine.

The bike sparks into life and does a wheelie before speeding out of the 
drive and down the road.  BEAN stands, hands on hips, looking very-
pleased with himself indeed.

DAVID
To BEAN ) Right!  Right!  You get inside and look after Kevin! (not 
such a good idea) Uh --- Right!  Kevin.  You get inside and look after 
... uh... (that would be a worse idea) Right!  Get in the car!  Both of 
you.  Jesus!

CUT TO:

INT.  THE GRIERSON GALLERY.  RECEPTION AREA - DAY

DAVID, BEAN and KEVIN at the reception desk.

ANNIE
So, Kevin.  How's it going?

KEVIN
Badly.  You wanna adopt me?

ANNIE smiles cutely at BEAN.  DAVID is still rattled.


ANNIE
Big day today, huh?
78

DAVID
Uh ... yes ...

DAVID looks askance at BEAN.  BERNIE hurries up and takes DAVID to one 
side.

BERNIE
Great day.  At last we can start getting out of debt and concentrating 
on the future.

DAVID
Yes, look, I wanted to talk to you about this.  I'm sure we haven't 
been doing as badly as all that.

BERNIE
You're an innocent and an optimist David - that's why I love you. (he 
hugs him and laughs).  Jesus - what a terrible tie- Come on, the 
Governor's coming at 3. And before then I have a little surprise for 
you and the Boss.

DAVID calls to ANNIE.

DAVID
Annie ... would you look after Kevin? And Kevin - you look after Bean.

He heads off with BERNIE.  Back at the counter.  BEAN, KEVIN & ANNIE.

KEVIN
My Dad told me all about you.

ANNIE
Did he now?

KEVIN
He says you've got a babe count of ten out of ten, and a brain cell 
count of about two and a half.

ANNIE
Yeah, I'll go with that.  I'm kinda, like, dumb, intellectually. (to 
Bean) But I'm great in bed.

BEAN is unsettled by this.  He gives a shudder and heads for the 
gallery.

79


KEVIN
Catch you later, babe.(goes after Bean) Come on, Beanie - there must be 
a computer here somewhere.  I hate paintings.  They don't do anything.

CUT TO:

INT.  GRIERSON'S OFFICE.  DAY.

BERNIE, DAVID and GRIERSON.  BERNIE looks very confident at a computer 
monitor.  A painting is in fact 'doing' something, on the computer 
screen, as the girls in a Toulouse-Lautrec painting actually dance the 
can-can.

GRIERSON
Well, congratulations.  Isn't that great, David?

DAVID
Certainly is.

BERNIE
We'll be able to start this afternoon.  I'11 pipe the guide to every 
video screen in the gallery.  Now, that'll impress the Governor.

GRIERSON
Well, bravo!  What with you and Whistler's Ma - I think I've got a 
winning team.

DAVID slightly embarrassed not to be included in the winning team.  He 
looks to the poster of Whistler's Mother behind GRIERSON's desk.

CUT TO:


INT.  THE GRIERSON GALLERY.  BERNIE'S ROOM - DAY

KEVIN and BEAN have found a computer, also showing BERNIE's Gallery 
programme.  The monitor shows the interior of the ground floor of the 
gallery.  KEVIN clicks, and up comes the same Toulouse Lautrec picture.  
As KEVIN works the mouse, BEAN hums the catchy tune from 'GOBLINS 21.  
It's play time again.

KEVIN
This is way cool, Beanie.

He clicks again, and a tiny talking Toulouse Lautrec starts to explain 
the provenance of the painting.

80

CUT TO:


INT.  THE GRIERSON GALLERY.  THE WHISTLER ROOM. DAY

DAVID is overseeing things.  There's a burgundy rope, keeping people a 
bit away from the case in which Whistler's Mother is contained.  ELMER 
brings in two large flower displays.  BERNIE enters.

BERNIE
Jesus!  Hurry up you guys.  Am I the only person round here who 
actually gets things done.

He exits.  BERNIE is growing in confidence - and getting nastier by the 
minute.  DAVID pulls a face at ELMER.

DAVID
You arrange those flowers yourself?

ELMER
Sure did.

DAVID
They're pretty.  Learn it in the army?

ELMER
No - but when you've torn out a man's throat with your bare hands, you 
learn to appreciate the beautiful things in life.

CUT TO:


INT.  THE GRIERSON GALLERY - DAY

The final touches in the preparation for the big visit to up-tempo, 
"we're getting ready" music.

1.	Gardeners gardening, window cleaners cleaning, polishers 
polishing etc.  And someone empties a dustbin, in the midst of which we 
glimpse something which might be a scrunched up old Whistler painting.

2.	BERNIE watches as someone plugs in a plug - and a huge video 
screen in the gallery flickers and starts up.

3.	ANNIE at her counter, reading a book called 'The Art of 
Conversational.  She shakes an imaginary hand and rehearses a keen 
conversation with an imaginary V.I.P.

81

4.	ELMER, in the men's room mirror, trims his hair around his peaked 
hat with scissors.  He has a row of war medals on his chest.  He 
polishes them proudly with his sleeve.

5.	GRIERSON watches through the front glass - a red carpet rolls 
itself out from the gallery's main entrance to stop by the rear door of 
a black car.

CUT TO:


EXT.  THE GRIERSON GALLERY - DAY

Close on the bottom of the black cars rear door.  It opens and a pair 
of legs, wearing black shoes and charcoal trousers, step out onto the 
red carpet.  As they walk purposely up the carpet, the camera pans up 
their owner's body, to reveal that this is BERNIE. It's a rehearsal.  
He is met with a hand shake by GRIERSON at the main entrance.

GRIERSON
What a pleasure, Governor Reynolds.  I'd like you to meet some of our 
staff here. (checks a prompt card).

BERNIE
And that's where you introduce me to the Governor.

GRIERSON
Right.  Got it.

CUT TO:


INT.  THE GRIERSON GALLERY.  RECEPTION AREA - DAY

Gallery staff wait, all wearing name badges.  GRIERSON leads BERNIE to 
the reception counter.  ANNIE steps out from behind it and shakes 
BERNIE's hand.

ANNIE
Good day, Governor Reynolds.  I'm Annie ...

BERNIE
Curtsy.

ANNIE
Curtsy?  Are you kidding?  This is 1990s America.  Women don't curtsy, 
they run the damn country!

82



GRIERSON
Alex, please!

ANNIE
That's Annie, sir.

GRIERSON takes BERNIE on to ELMER who is next in line.

GRIERSON
This is Elmer, our longest serving...

BERNIE
Hey.  Let's junk the medals, Elmer.  This is not a Veterans' reunion.  
We wanna make the Governor feel at home.  Not remind him of piles of 
dead people wearing uniforms.

ELMER puts on a defiant face.  DAVID shakes his head disapprovingly.  
GRIERSON moves BERNIE to meet DAVID.  They

'Shake hands.

DAVID
David Leary.  I'd like to echo my colleagues welcome to you and thank 
you for your patronage ...

BERNIE rudely cuts him off.

BERNIE
Okay, that'll do.  The Governor's here in half an hour.  We have to be 
totally ready then.  No excuses.  Period!

GRIERSON
Thank you Bernie.  Well done.  Now, If you'll excuse - I have a little 
smartening up to do myself.

CUT TO:


INT.  THE GRIERSON GALLERY.  BERNIE'S OFFICE - DAY

BEAN at the computer.  He's actually quite enjoying himself now.  In 
fact, he's rather hogging the thing.  This is, after all, an animated 
catalogue - his area.

83

KEVIN
I'm just gonna go see if Annie needs me for anything.  Truth is, she 
smells kinda nice. okay? (grins).

BEAN smiles and gives KEVIN a thumbs-up.  KEVIN returns the gesture and 
exits..

Back to the computer, BEAN clicks on an icon which takes him to the 
ground floor gallery.  He clicks through various paintings and stops at 
the painting of the woman, in the castle, wearing the chastity belt.  
BEAN clicks and enlarges the painting to fill the screen.

He happily hums the catchy tune from 'GOBLINS 2' and homes in on the 
tiny padlock on the chastity belt.  Padlocks interest him.  He clicks 
on the keyhole rapidly (as we have seen him do with the frog in GOBLINS 
2).

MR. BEAN
Click! click! click! click! click!

.Suddenly, to BEAN's surprise, the padlock starts to flash red...then 
the whole screen starts to flash ... before going dramatically back to 
black ... Now flashing in the .centre of the monitor is an icon of a 
tiny key.  Beneath it, a row of six dashes appears (e.g - - - - - - - 
). A cursor is flashing over the first dash.

BEAN is totally absorbed.  He loves these kinds of puzzles.  With one 
finger, he slowly types out letters on the keyboard (he has to search 
for some of them).  As he does so, they appear over each dash in turn:

G-O-B-L-I-N
A message pops up: "ACCESS DENIED" BEAN tries something 0 else.
G-N-O-M-E-S
The message again: 'ACCESS DENIED'.  The room door suddenly opens!  
Making BEAN jump!  It's BERNIE.  He cannot see the computer screen from 
the doorway.

BERNIE
How goes it, Bean?  Ready for the Governor?

BEAN smiles and nods nervously.  He knows he's probably up to something 
he shouldn't be.




84


BERNIE
We need you downstairs in ten minutes and not a second more.  Period.  
Oh, And put this on.

BERNIE throws BEAN a name badge with 'Dr. Bean' on it.  BEAN nods.  
BERNIE exits.  BEAN goes back to the code.  He types in the first thing 
that comes into his head:

B-E-R-N-I-E

That damned message again: 'ACCESS DENIED'.  Then, as though something 
is dawning on him, he punches in:

P-E-R-I-0-D

Up comes a message: "CODE ACCEPTED".  Close on BEAN's face as light 
from the computer plays on it- He reads it carefully and with interest.  
We cant quite read his expression - but what he sees is a surprise and 
a puzzle.  Long meaningful pause as his eyes scan the screen.

CUT TO:


INT.  THE GRIERSON GALLERY.  THE WHISTLER ROOM - DAY

BERNIE enters - DAVID is looking at Whistler's Mother, still puzzled.

BERNIE
David?  Lift off!

CUT TO:


INT.  THE GRIERSON GALLERY.  RECEPTION AREA - DAY

The staff and various dignitaries are lined, looking out through the 
glass in anticipation.  Through the glass we see a couple of Police 
Motorcycle Escorts pull up outside followed by a beautiful, old, 
classic Rolls Royce.

CUT TO:


EXT.  THE GRIERSON GALLERY - DAY

The red carpet unrolls all the way to the Rolls, rear door.  Close on 
the bottom of the driver's door.  It opens and out step a pair of legs, 
wearing army boots and khaki trousers.

85

The legs step sideways onto the carpet and approach us.  Camera pans up 
to show us that GOVERNOR REYNOLDS is dressed in his Veteran's uniform - 
chest of medals and forage cap.  He is a grand figure.  In fact - he's 
exactly the same grand figure Mr BEAN caused epic problems To on the 
plane over.  He gives his prized possession, the car, a little token 
polish with his sleeve before heading on.

BRUTUS and his SIDE-KICK COP fall into step behind him.  They are the 
Police presence today.

GRIERSON and BERNIE greet REYNOLDS at the entrance.

GRIERSON is wearing a striking brand new light blue silk suit.  BERNIE 
is frowning - not happy about that uniform.

GRIERSON
what a pleasure, Governor.  Welcome.

REYNOLDS
Hi, Grierson, forgive the war paint.  Going on To my regiment/s reunion 
after.

GRIERSON
Not at all, Governor.  Very striking.

REYNOLDS takes in GRIERSON's suit.

REYNOLDS
Interesting suit.

GRIERSON
(Beaming) 
Why thank you sir.

REYNOLDS
off the peg?

GRIERSON
(crestfallen )
Yes it is ... may I introduce you To Bern ...

He gestures to BERNIE but REYNOLDS cuts in and hands BERNIE a set of 
car keys.

REYNOLDS
(To Bernie)
Go park the old jalopy, will ya, son.

BERNIE's smile melts away.  As they enter the gallery, BERNIE hopefully 
offers the car keys to BRUTUS - who rewards him with a "don't be 
stupid" smile and follows the Governor.

86


BEAN (wearing "Dr Bean" name badge) comes into the corridor by the 
front door, thus just missing REYNOLDS.  BERNIE sees him and jumps on 
the chance to delegate.

BERNIE
Bean - go park the Governor's car, will you.

BEAN assents happily.  BRUTUS spies BEAN over his shoulder and frowns - 
its that mad English guy again.  BEAN gets to the door and sees the 
Governor's car.  Yummy!

CUT TO:
INT.  THE GRIERSON GALLERY.  RECEPTION AREA - DAY

GRIERSON leads REYNOLDS to the reception counter, as BERNIE sneaks up 
to take his position again.  ELMER is in the background trying to look 
professional, deferring to BRUTUS.

ANNIE steps out from behind the counter, curtsies and ,shakes REYNOLDS' 
hand.

ANNIE
Good day, Governor.  I'm Annie.  You know, you're a lot taller than you 
were half an hour ago.

REYNOLDS
Well, that's great to hear at my age, Annie.  Thank you very much.

ANNIE
Governor Reynolds, does your wife, like, have to curtsy?  Or does she 0 
have a decent job?

REYNOLDS
Er ... Mrs. Reynolds is doing just fine.  Just fine.

He spots KEVIN and winks at him.  KEVIN smiles back.
CUT TO:

EXT.  THE GRIERSON GALLERY.  DAY.

BEAN has let himself into the car.  It's one of the happiest moments of 
his life, as he inspects the gleaming panel and sits back in the 
gorgeous leather seat.

87


He starts the car up - and heads up into the circular car park.  He 
sweeps dangerously round a few turns - but just manages to keep the car 
in tact.  Finally he reaches the top floor where there is one quite 
small space left.  BEAN is a good driver in a car that is, 
unfortunately, one foot wider than the one he's used to.

He takes out the comb he always used to measure space with his Mini, 
and measures the space.  Yes.  Seems large enough.  He moves the car 
in.  It isn't large enough.

With a hideous scraping of metal against metal, the Rolls Royce 
squeezes in between the two cars, losing its wing mirror and door 
handle in the process.  BEAN looks a tadge concerned.

CUT TO:

INT.  THE GRIERSON GALLERY - DAY.

REYNOLDS has moved on to ELMER who salutes crisply.  REYNOLDS returns 
the salute with pride.

REYNOLDS
Nice set of medals there Elmer.  Which beach they drop you on?  Utah?  
Omaha?

ELMER
Couldn't tell you sir.  I was so drugged up with the killing I didn't 
know where I was.

REYNOLDS
Well, congratulations soldier.
CUT TO:

EXT.  PARKING LOT - DAY.

BEAN sitting in the wedged car.  He tries the door - but it won't open 
a centimetre.  He's totally stuck.  He looks up at a small window in 
the roof.  If only he could get that open. He pushes various buttons, 
which set of windscreen wipers, squirters, radios.  He pushes the 
cigarette lighter.  Finally, he pulls a lever - and the bonnet pops up 
an inch.

At which moment we see the lighter shoot out, and on to the seat.  BEAN 
is still looking round below the dashboard, when he notices a little 
fire in the seat beside him.  Not good news.

88


BEAN panics a bit, turns and half climbs over into the back seat, when 
he spies a drinks cabinet.  He has a very good idea - he finds a cut 
crystal decanter of brown liquid, opens it and uses it to douse the 
fire.  Not a wise move with brandy.  Before the cut, we see the 
WHOOOSH! of a major fire in the front seat of the car.

CUT TO:

INT.  THE GRIERSON GALLERY.  DAY.

GRIERSON leads REYNOLDS towards the main gallery.  He points up to the 
video screen they are passing, which shows the two of them walking 
along - as does every screen in the gallery.  REYNOLDS is impressed.  
He glances at DAVID in passing.

REYNOLDS
Nice tie, fella.

DAVID grins to himself.

CUT TO:

INT.  PARKING LOT - DAY.

The front of the car isn't what it was.  There has been a big fire.  
It's out now - three decanters lie empty.  BEAN is not happy.  Finally, 
he decides to go for brute strength.  He turns the car on again, puts 
it into reverse, and puts his foot down on the accelerator.

We see the car from above.  Full throttle.  Totally still.  Totally 
still.  And then WHOOOOSH WHAM!!!  It reverses at 100 mph straight 
backwards, smashing violently into and destroying the back of the car 
behind _ as it happens, Bernie's car.

CUT TO


INT.  THE GRIERSON GALLERY.  GROUND FLOOR - DAY

REYNOLDS stops to admire a small painting - a twelfth century 
'Crucifixion of Christ'.

GRIERSON
Ah, one of my favourites.  It expresses a universal agony that the 
established Church so rarely acknowledges, don't you think?

89
REYNOLDS
Jesus ... no one's got feet like for crying out loud.  Have you got 
feet like that?  Dammed if I have.  Let's move it, shall we?

BERNIE spots a slightly concerned DAVID.

BERNIE
Everything okay, David?

DAVID
Yes.  Ahm.  I was just wondering where my English house guest had got 
to.

BERNIE
He's just parking the Governor's car.

DAVID
Great - keep him out of trouble.

CUT TO:

INT.  PARKING LOT - DAY.

BEAN is inspecting the car.  He's not too happy with it.  '.He tries to 
get the bonnet down, but it insists on staying up.  He shrugs his 
shoulders and gets in to drive off again, having to wind down the 
window and drive by leaning his head out.  This means that as he heads 
for the exit, he fails to see the system to stop people leaving without 
paying, a foot high barrier that appears out of the ground.  When he 
hits it, the car stops dead.

BEAN gets out, leaving the car idling and goes to the booth where 
normally the attendant would be - but everyone is in the gallery at the 
moment.  Inside he pushes a couple of buttons, and, hurrah, gets the 
one that drops the barrier.  Less hurrah, he has forgotten to put on 
the hand brake.

As he moves back towards the car, it glides slowly down the ramp on the 
outside of the building, then accelerates, and finally, on a 
particularly sharp turn, smashes through the wall, and flies off the 
building.  We hear a crash - but do not see where it lands.

CUT TO:

INT.  THE GRIERSON GALLERY.  GROUND FLOOR - DAY 

GOVERNOR REYNOLDS turns away from another picture.


90

REYNOLDS
Can we go and see Mrs. Whistler now?  My eyes are making my feet sore, 
as my wife would say.

DAVID
Sure, Governor.  Please.  This way.

The party follows DAVID as he walks through the gallery, towards the 
double doors, to take the lift to the Whistler Room.  An excited 
atmosphere.

CUT TO:

INT.  WHISTLER ROOM.  DAY.

Everyone enters.

DAVID
Ladies and gentlemen - most of you have seen Whistler's Mother before, 
can I ask you just to step back.  Thank you.

It's part of his plan of caution - he knows there's something wrong - 
and wants as few people as possible to .see the painting close up.  The 
crowd moves back.

DAVID
I'd like the Governor to have, as it were, a private audience with his 
new friend.

REYNOLDS is flattered.  Silence.  DAVID inserts the plastic card key - 
opens the doors - and sure enough there in all its glory is Whistler's 
Mother'.  Respectful silence.

REYNOLDS is delighted.  He stands back to inspect her.

REYNOLDS
Well, hello Ma'am!  Yes - she certainly looks a million dollars to me - 
or should I say ten million dollars!

Everyone applauds.

GRIERSON
Bravo - what do you say to a final glass of, though I say it myself, 
rather 'expensive' champagne. (grins smugly)

91

People start to file out.  REYNOLDS, GRIERSON, BERNIE and DAVID stay 
behind.  DAVID spots BEAN arriving.  He hands the car keys back to 
BERNIE with a slightly dazed smile.  DAVID eagerly takes his arm and 
brings him over.

DAVID
Governor, I don't believe you've met Dr Bean, our expert from England.

They turn to each other - recognition from BEAN "it's the man from the 
plane".  He does a very quick hand-shake and tries to make a getaway 
before REYNOLDS recognises him...

BEAN
Ah, hello, sorry, I ... Ahm... sorry ...

BEAN turns.  In fatal slow motion he trips over the cord that stops 
anyone getting too close to the great painting.  He spins and falls in 
the direction of the painting.

CUT TO: the looks of horror on all the faces.

CUT TO: BEAN, reaching out to keep himself standing.  We think he's 
going to tear the painting.  He doesn't.  He simply catches hold of the 
bottom of the ornate frame.  It ,,snaps off.

CUT TO: a look of relief for an instant on all faces.

CUT TO: the truth - as the frame breaks off, there is the little white 
strip, saying, THE GRIERSON GALLERY, HOME OF WHISTLER'S MOTHER"-

CUT TO: a look of horror on all faces.

CUT TO: ELMER looking like someone has just murdered his own mother.

CUT TO: BRUTUS and SIDE-KICK glowering at BEAN.
CUT TO:

INT.  GALLERY CORRIDOR.  DAY.

Governor REYNOLDS storming through the Gallery, with -BERNIE and 
GRIERSON scampering after him.

REYNOLDS
You were going to sell the State of California a poster - for ten 
million dollars!  Who the hell do you think you are, Shorty!?

92



GRIERSON
Look, Governor - just wait - it's may not be as bad as it looks ....

CUT TO:

INT.  THE GRIERSON GALLERY.  WHISTLER ROOM - DAY.

DAVID and BEAN stand alone in silence, in front of the debris.  BEAN is 
absolutely destitute.  DAVID stares at him.  BEAN just lifts his hands.  
Totally sad.  What will, what can DAVID say to him?  Finally, DAVID 
just puts his hands on his shoulder.

DAVID
Nice try, kiddo.

BEAN cant quite believe he's forgiven.  At which moment, there is a 
knock on the door.  ANNIE enters, holding KEVIN's hand.

ANNIE
David.  There's a call for you.  It's your wife.

DAVID
Great.  Classic timing.  Why don't you ask her just to leave a date for 
the divorce?  I'll check my diary later.

Then he notices the worried expressions on ANNIE and KEVIN's faces.

ANNIE
She's calling from the hospital ...

BEAN and DAVID both take this in.  DAVID turns and runs towards the 
reception area.  ANNIE calls after him.

ANNIE
She's on line three!

KEVIN grabs BEAN's hand and they both run after DAVID.  ANNIE watches 
BEAN go and sighs.

ANNIE
Such... great buns.

CUT TO:

93

INT.  GALLERY ENTRANCE HALL.  DAY.

The party is in disarray.  In the background, DAVID is on the phone at 
the reception counter with KEVIN and BEAN.  BRUTUS hovers, he suspects 
BEAN - wants to question him.

REYNOLDS
I've known soldiers who've had their heads blown off who were more 
intelligent than you two.  Not only have you failed to protect your 
most valuable possession from theft - but you didn't even know it'd 
been stolen!  I'd sooner buy heroin from the guy who sells drugs 
outside my grandson's school than anything from you guys.

GRIERSON
I am sorry you feel that way.

REYNOLDS
And I'm sorry you look that way, short-ass.  That suit stinks and you 
obviously dye your hair.

GRIERSON is seriously shocked and offended.

Now, bring my car round the front please - I've had enough of this 
crap!.

BERNIE
Certainly, sir.

He rushes off.  Meanwhile, DAVID slams down the phone and he, BEAN and 
KEVIN rush out of the building.  ELMER, BRUTUS and SIDE-KICK give 
chase.

CUT TO:

EXT.  GALLERY PARKING LOT.  DAY.

DAVID's car screeches out onto the street and tears away.

BRUTUS and SIDE-KICK arrive, flustered, at their car.  SIDE-KICK is 
frantically searching for its keys.

BRUTUS
Come on man!  Move it!

A car passes by them slowly.  ELMER is driving.  He shouts from his 
window.

94

ELMER
Hey, Cop, wanna ride?  Jeese, where do they get you guys?

The cops jump in his car while it is still moving.

CUT TO:

EXT.  THE GRIERSON GALLERY - DAY

REYNOLDS at the entrance.  BERNIE walks up sheepishly, holding up car 
keys.

BERNIE
There is one other tiny problem, sir.
CUT TO:

EXT.  STREET.  DAY.

DAVID's car speeds by.  ELMER's car is not far behind it.
CUT TO:

INT.  DAVID'S CAR - DAY

DAVID is driving fast.
KEVIN
Is Jenny gonna be okay?

DAVID
She was wearing a helmet.  It could have been worse.

KEVIN
But is she gonna be okay?

DAVID
(snapping)
How the hell should I know? 

KEVIN is hurt.

I'm sorry.  What can I say - she's unconscious.  And I mean - every 
night when we sleep, we're all unconscious, aren't we?  She'll pull out 
of it.  God though - why the hell do kids have to ride bikes?

DAVID slams on the brakes.  He nearly went through a red light.

95

DAVID
Damn!  She's a good kid.  Sometimes good people get a break once in a 
while. (manages a smile)

A chauffeur driven, open top limo, pulls up next to DAVID's car.  BEAN 
looks out of his window to see the BAG LADY, from the mall robbery, 
sitting in the back.  She is still wearing her filthy clothes.  She 
raises a glass of champagne to BEAN and smiles.

BEAN waves back uncertainly.  He's sure he's seen her before - a vague 
memory.

CUT TO: ELMER's CAR is in the traffic queue about ten cars back.  
BRUTUS and SIDE-KICK get out and start running down the line towards 
DAVID's car.

The lights are green.  DAVID puts his foot down and the car screeches 
away just as BRUTUS and SIDE-KICK are within inches it.

CUT TO: BRUTUS and SIDE-KICK turn on their heels and head back to 
ELMER's car.  They are very unfit.

They are just about to jump in the car when gun shots are heard from a 
near-by gas station- BRUTUS turns and sees a .robbery in progress.  A 
man with a gun is about to run away.  BRUTUS is torn, not knowing which 
quarry to pursue.

BRUTUS

Shiiiit!

ELMER
It's okay!  I'll tail 'em!

BRUTUS
You got it.

BRUTUS and SIDE-KICK draw their guns and run towards the gas station.  
In a moment of confusion - a shot rings out.  We think in the corner of 
our eye that we see BRUTUS fall to the ground, as ELMER screeches away 
after DAVID's car.

CUT TO:

INT.  HOSPITAL.  RECEPTION - DAY

Much hustle and bustle.  DAVID is getting directions from a nurse at 
the desk.  He beckons to KEVIN and BEAN and strides, purposely towards 
a corridor.  They hurry to catch him up, and Bean treat on the back of 
his shoe.  DAVID turns and shouts at him.

96


DAVID
Just stay away from me!  D'you hear?

He takes KEVIN's hand and storms away round a corner.  BEAN is taken 
aback not knowing what to do or where to go. He is really feeling 
sorrow now.  He's shaken.  All part of his slow coming to feel things 
properly.

CUT TO:


INT.  HOSPITAL.  CORRIDOR - DAY

DAVID and KEVIN turns a corner - and stop, frozen.  There, sitting 
alone, on a bench, outside JENNIFER's room, is ALISON.  She gets to her 
feet.  Their eyes meet.

CUT TO:


EXT.  THE GRIERSON GALLERY -DAY

A crowd outside the gallery, look off camera.  The camera follows 
BERNIE's gaze and takes in the modern car sculpture.  Where there were 
two cars face down in the earth, there are now three, the new addition 
being Governor's pride and Joy.  The three cars form a tall pyramid.

Close on REYNOLDS' face. GRIERSON approaches.

REYNOLDS
Don't even think of saying one word to me, or I'11 find a way of 
fitting all three of those cars right up your ass.

GRIERSON nods - he's got the message.

CUT TO:



INT.  HOSPITAL.  CORRIDOR. DAY

ALISON and DAVID are standing where they were before, three paces 
apart.  ALISON is upset, tired and drawn.

ALISON
They're not calling it a coma.  The doctor says she's ... just kind of 
taking time out. (to Kevin) Hi, tough guy. (to David) It's a busy 
night.  The doctor will be back in a while.

A doctor passes

97

DAVID
Excuse me.

DOCTOR 1
I'll be back in a minute.

DAVID
Okay, great.

ALISON looks at him.  We don't quite read the expression but somewhere 
under there we know she's thinking "yup, he's still ineffective."

ALISON
At least you didn't bring Mr Bean with you.

DAVID
Ah, well ....
CUT TO:

INT.  HOSPITAL.  CORRIDOR - DAY

BEAN is looking for his friends.  A doctor sweeps by him.  A nurse 
behind.

NURSE
Doctor Jacobson?

DOCTOR JACOBSON
Yes?

NURSE
We need you urgently in C Theatre.

DOCTOR JACOBSON
Damn.  I was just going to Number 4 ....

NURSE
It is urgent, sir.

DOCTOR JACOBSON 
Okay.....

The doctor rushes away and drops his stethoscope as he .goes.  BEAN 
sees it, picks it up and follows him he's trying to be useful.

CUT TO:

98


INT.  HOSPITAL.  RECEPTION - DAY

ELMER is at the busy reception desk and has been talking with a nurse.

ELMER
No, no, I didn't realise the situation.  I won't disturb them now.

ELMER is obviously moved to find out about JENNIFER.  He moves towards 
the exit ... He is surprised to see BUCK, the night-shift guard, 
dressed in civvies, sitting with outpatients.

ELMER
Buck?

BUCK looks up, painfully, goes to say something, then dashes into a 
men's room close-by.  ELMER shakes his head and leaves.

CUT TO:


INT.  HOSPITAL.  CORRIDOR - DAY.

BEAN still following DR JACOBSON, who goes through more swing doors and 
then suddenly disappears.  BEAN sees a big "4" above a door and goes 
in, holding the Stethoscope.  A nurse accosts him instantly.  She reads 
his name badge.

NURSE 2
Doctor ... Bean?

BEAN is fed up trying to correct people with this misconception.

BEAN
Actually ... (huge sigh) ... Yes, yes, yes...

NURSE 2
Just in time, sir.  Allow me.

She immediately slips the white coat onto BEAN, and the gloves, and the 
mask.

INT.  HOSPITAL.  CORRIDOR - DAY

ALISON, DAVID and KEVIN are sitting on the bench opposite JENNIFER's 
room.  KEVIN picks up JENNIFER's SUPER NINTENDO console from the bench.  
DAVID notices this.  ALISON answers his look.

99

ALISON
When the Police told me what had happened I ... it's stupid I know ... 
but I remembered all that stuff people do to get through to coma 
victims ...

KEVIN
Like playing them recordings of their dish washers and coffee grinders?

ALISON
That right.  So I went home and picked it up.

DAVID
Good thinking. (pause) You still call it 'home'.

ALISON looks at him seriously.


INT.  OPERATING THEATRE.  NIGHT.

Inside the operating theatre, a body is waiting in position.  There are 
3 attending nurses and an assistant doctor.  They all look up to BEAN 
as he enters, fully kitted up.

ASSISTANT
Good evening Doctor.. What we have here is a bullet wound in the lower 
thorax it seems to have ruptured the lung, and there's severe inner 
bleeding along the abdomen.

NURSE 2
He's coming round.

ASSISTANT
Give him a T 70, straight away.

The victim starts to move - he looks up - we see his face for the first 
time.  It is the police officer, BRUTUS.  He is in great pain.  As the 
sedative shot goes in, BEAN takes off his mask, and smiles, with a 
little wave.  A look of total panic goes over BRUTU'S eyes, as he loses 
consciousness.

ASSISTANT
Shall I do the cut, sir?

BEAN nods - he's not going to argue with anyone.  The assistant cuts.  
BEAN is horrified, almost faints, then snatches the knife.  He can't 
believe this maniac has just cut through another personas flesh.

100


ASSISTANT
I'm sorry. it's only MY first week.

BEAN hands the knife to the NURSE testily.

NURSE
I'm afraid we'll now have to wait for the X-rays, Doctor, or we'll 
never find the bullet.  Come on everyone sort out the support systems.

EVERYONE turns to get on with their particular jobs.  BEAN is left with 
the body.  A pause.  He gets a little bored.  Takes a sweet packet out 
of his pocket.  Only one sweet left. he takes it out lovingly, and then 
does what he always does - throws it up into the air, to catch it in 
his mouth.

Unfortunately, he forgets that he is wearing a mask.  It hits the 
middle of the mask and bounces into the cut in the body.

BEAN looks down annoyed.  Checks round him - everyone's 'still busy.  
So he puts his hand in the body, really rummages around, finds the 
sweet, takes it out, and then realises he's in fact got the bullet 
between his fingers. ..Guiltily, he slips it back into the body, 
rummages a bit more, finds the sweet, wipes it, & pops it in his mouth.  
At which second the X-ray arrives.

ASSISTANT
Here we go, doctor. ( STUDYING THE X-RAY ) the bullet is here - so 
we'll probably have to extend the cut to here. Think we all better be 
prepared for a long one here.  This is tricky.

BEAN tuts scornfully - 'you're wrong 1, reaches in again, feels around 
for a second, and triumphantly produces the bullet between his fingers.

They all applaud.

CUT TO:

INT.  HOSPITAL.  CORRIDOR - DAY.

BEAN exits from the theatre - still in gown and mask, followed by the 
assistant.  The police SIDE-KICK is waiting.

SIDE-KICK
Any news on the chief?.

101

ASSISTANT
There certainly is.  Dr Bean here just saved his life.

SIDE-KICK's eyes water.  He's choked.  BEAN shakes his hand nervously, 
and heads on fast before he's found out.  He turns the corner and 
suddenly sees DAVID and ALISON, still seated.  ALISON sees him.

ALISON
0 my god.

DAVID
Sorry, honey - he just happened to tag along.

ALISON
Nothing ever really changes, does it, David?

She turns her head away: the bond of the moments before is gone.  BEAN 
looks very contrite.  At that moment, another doctor walks by.

DAVID
Excuse me.

DOCTOR 2
Yes, your doctor will be with you in a minute.  We have a lot to deal 
with here, sir.

ALISON looks round, and shakes her head.  BEAN kicks DAVID in the 
shins.  DAVID looks round, puzzled.  There is a poster of the human 
skeleton.  BEAN points to the spine.  DAVID looks but cannot fathom a 
relevant meaning from it.

Another doctor comes along - the same one who they spoke to first.  
He's young, confident slightly arrogant.

ALISON
Excuse me, doctor.

DOCTOR
Really Ma'am, we'll get to you in due course.

ALISON
Okay.

DAVID looks at the poster opposite again.  Spine, ribcage, skull.  
Looks back at Bean gesturing to it.  This time the penny drops!  Spine 
spineless!

102

DAVID
Say that again, son.

DOCTOR
I beg your pardon?

DAVID
I said say that again, son - because the next time you do, I'll make 
sure you're in there with my daughter, but in a slightly less healthy 
state and she's in a coma with a broken arm right now.

DOCTOR
I'm er ... sorry if you've been waiting a long time.

DAVID
We have.  In fact, we've been sitting here since the start of the 
Millennium and I'd really like some action from you before the end of 
the world.

A hint of a smile arrives on ALISON's lips. She's heard that somewhere 
before.

DAVID
So, why not haul your ... (checks) nice little ass into this room and 
explain to me and my wife why our precious daughter is going to be 
absolutely fine because of all the fantastic intelligence and attention 
you are going to give her case.

DOCTOR
Okay, sir.  Certainly.  Good.

DAVID turns to ALISON - she does a little tilt of her
Head 'WOW'.  And he turns to BEAN, who points to
himself,	and nods .... n Come on!

DAVID
Yes, and Bean, for God's sake, keep out of the goddamn way, will you?

BEAN nods enthusiastically and backs off.

ALISON
Smiling   Well, well.

CUT TO:

103
INT.  HOSPITAL.  JENNIFER'S ROOM - NIGHT

Close on an E.C.G. monitor, green lines on black screen.  DAVID and 
ALISON sit by JENNIFER's bed.  JENNIFER is unconscious.  She has her 
arm in a cast and a small Band-Aid on her head. otherwise she seems 
undamaged.

KEVIN is sitting on the end of the bed playing the SUPER NINTENDO game 
(the Gothic Vampire thing, with bats and he-men, we saw on JENNIFER'S 
TV earlier).  It is plugged into a T.V. which sits on a trolley.  It's 
quite a noisy game.  KEVIN is immersed in it.

ALISON
Let's get a coffee.

DAVID
Yes.  Great.  Kevin, I'11 send Bean in to keep you company.

ALISON exits.  David follows.  BEAN enters.  He sees JENNIFER for the 
first time.  Sympathy shows in his eyes.

KEVIN
Help me with this.  It's a scientific experiment.  We're gonna wake up 
Sleeping Beauty here with the tortured screams of Vampire bats.

BEAN is determined to help.  He sits down with KEVIN.  The game 
continues.  The he-man jumps up and down, lashing out at bats with his 
sword.  Lots of noise, but JENNIFER sleeps on.

CUT TO:

INT.  HOSPITAL.  CORRIDOR - NIGHT

By a drinks machine.  ALISON finishes drinking from a plastic cup.

ALISON
Disgusting.

She looks up at DAVID, who's looking at her.  Slowly she gets close and 
puts her arms around him.  She's a bit tearful.

DAVID
Everything's gonna be fine.

ALISON
(pause)
About Charles...

104


DAVID
shhh...

ALISON
It was nothing.  We're not ... He just makes me laugh.  When was the 
last time we laughed?  Any of us?

DAVID
I know... I know. I've been an arsehole of spectacular proportions. 
Olympic standard.

KEVIN
Dad...

They look down to see KEVIN has arrived.

KEVIN
These guys just hijacked the T.V. Me and Bean were trying to ...

A hospital PORTER passes, pushing the T.V. on a trolley.

HOSPITAL PORTER
Sorry, folks.  We're short on these and there's another kid down the 
hall that could use ...

DAVID
Wait a minute .... (about to get tough again)

ALISON
Please.  It's okay.  Really. (to David) Wow - who put the fire in you, 
my' man?

CUT TO:

INT.  HOSPITAL.  JENNIFER'S ROOM - NIGHT

JENNIFER is still asleep.  BEAN is sitting on the end of her bed.  He 
looks at the SUPER NINTENDO console thinking, "How can I get this 
working again?  How can I help?" The only sound in the room is the 
beeping from the E.C.G. machine, monitoring Jennifer's heart.  BEAN has 
an idea.

He yanks off the jack plug at the end of the Super Nintendo lead.  
Producing his small screwdriver, he starts to unscrew the console 
casing.

CUT TO:

105
INT.  HOSPITAL.  CORRIDOR - NIGHT

DAVID, ALISON and KEVIN walk back towards the room.

ALISON
Maybe I ought to think about getting another job.

DAVID
Good idea - with a boss who's a really ugly son-of-a-bitch.

She and DAVID manage to share a smile.  They're going to get through 
this.  Suddenly, we hear noise from the vampire game, coming from 
JENNIFER's room.  KEVIN registers this and is puzzled.  Then ALISON and 
DAVID notice it.

DAVID
I thought you said....
CUT TO:

INT.  HOSPITAL.  JENNIFER'S ROOM - DAY

The LEARYS appear in the open doorway.  Their expressions turn from 
curiosity to horror.

BEAN has plugged the SUPER NINTENDO games system into the back of 
JENNIFER's E.C.G. monitor.  A couple of bats are flapping about the 
screen but the most worrying thing here (shown in close-up) is the 
sight of a he-man type, jumping up and down, lashing out, with his 
sword, at the passing pulse light, showing Jennifer's faint vital signs 
...

ALISON gasps.  DAVID slowly moves into the room.

DAVID
Now, Bean ... just put down that thing ... nice and slow ... you hear 
me?  Come on now...

But BEAN is determined to keep going - it's his way of reviving 
Jennifer.  DAVID approaches the opposite side of the bed and gets ready 
to pounce ... CUT TO: a close-up of the monitor.  The he-man chases the 
pulse light ...

DAVID dives across the bed just as he man swipes the pulse light with 
his sword.  DAVID has landed on top of JENNIFER.  The pulse light 
explodes and the monitor screen whites-out.  JENNIFER wakes up with a 
start.

106

JENNIFER
Dad!  Get off!?  What's happening here?!  Mom?

ALISON covers her mouth, tearful, but she can't hold it back.  She 
laughs.  DAVID and KEVIN stare at JENNIFER.  They can't help but join 
in the laughter.  JENNIFER has no idea what's going on.  BEAN is happy 
that everyone is happy.

KEVIN
I don't care what anyone says.  Mr. Bean brought my sister back from 
the dead.  He did it under laboratory conditions.  My eyes do not lie!

ALISON grins at him.  Then at BEAN.

MIX THROUGH TO:

INT.  LEARY HOUSE.  KITCHEN.  NIGHT.

ALISON is fixing some coffee.  DAVID enters.

DAVID
Here, let me do that.

ALISON
No, I'm fine.

He just stands there.

okay - you grind the beans, and


He moves towards her - his arms slip round her waist.

... put them in the .... ( but she can't concentrate I don't believe 
this.  I'm being seduced by my own husband.

Pause.  They are just about to kiss when BEAN enters.
He's a bit impatient.

BEAN
Ahm - excuse me ... ( POINTING TO HIS WATCH ) You know..

They jump apart.  The moment is gone.

ALISON
Oh yes.  Sorry.  Though I think these are ready.

107


ALISON takes out two single socks which have been neatly wrapped around 
a couple of drinks mats and put in the toaster slots.

ALISON
There.  Is that how you like them?

BEAN beams at her.  He's impressed - and feels he's accepted.  He 
leaves.

ALISON
He's not too bad.  I can live with him.

DAVID
I'm afraid you don't know the half of it. Sit down.  I have a tale to 
tell.  And not a happy one.

CUT TO:

EXT.  THE LEARY'S KITCHEN.  NIGHT

Looking in front outside, we see Alison sit down.  We see, ,but do not 
hear David start to talk.  Within seconds her hands go up to her face 
in horror.

CUT TO:

INT.  GRIERSON'S OFFICE.  DAY.

With heavy hearts everyone is gathered to hear their fate.  Pan across 
the familiar faces.  DAVID.  BERNIE.  ELMER.  ANNIE.  BEAN, looking 
nervous and shifty.  Dead silence as GRIERSON stands, very solemnly.

GRIERSON
Colleagues - what can I say?  Incidents such as occurred yesterday 
teach a man important lessons.  On reflection, I realise it would have 
been a sin to sell Whistler's Mother to such an impertinent philistine 
as Governor Reynolds.  And therefore, I blame myself for having ever 
let things get to such a pass that we felt we had realise our the staff 
- twelve got today, I've Schimmel as to sell her.  I suddenly problem 
here hasn't been it's been the leadership flabby, lazy- And so decided 
to appoint Bernie my new Vice-President.


CUT TO BERNIE, looking smug next to DAVID, who is pretty shocked by 
this.

108

GRIERSON
He's a man with a plan who will haul us into profitability and the 21st 
century.

BERNIE
Thank you, sir.  Although, I'm afraid I don't quite see how we can ...

GRIERSON
Good point Bernie - precisely the kind of perceptive interjection I'd 
expect from my new V.P. How can we, you ask, survive without Whistler's 
Mother - our single greatest asset?  Well, the truth is - we can't.  So 
what am I saying?  Will we find her again?  Never - this robber was 
clearly the work of a criminal of great genius.

BEAN looks pleased - but then realises it's not a suitable emotion ~ so 
nods sagely.

Insurance?  Not a chance.  Those bastards never pay.  So, surely we're 
bankrupt?  Surely your jobs are forfeit?  Surely you're back on the 
unemployment lines, scraping a living as waiters and boys?  Yes.  Yes 
indeed.  Except for one little thing. one little thing done by one 
little man.  Dare I say, one helluva little man.  Watch this.

Everyone is totally at a loss.  GRIERSON stands and moves to the framed 
poster of Whistler's Mother on the wall.  He then produces a plastic 
key card and inserts it in a slot on the side of the frame.  A buzz and 
a click!  An electric motor starts to whirrrr ...

The glass, along with the title strip at the bottom of the poster, 
slides gently down inside the picture frame to reveal that the poster 
is in fact the original oil of Whistler's Mother.

GRIERSON
Ladies and gentlemen.  The REAL Whistler's Mother!

There are gasps from the room.  BEAN is open mouthed.

GRIERSON beams as many applaud and BEAN now joins in hyperactively.  
He's saved!

GRIERSON                                  
The best security in the world is no match for a master criminal.  But 
no master criminal is a match for me.  Thank you all.  Now if you would 
please return to your posts, my new Vice President, Bernard Shimmel 
would like you all to see the computer program we had prepared for 
yesterday until we were so rudely interrupted by events.

The room is emptying.  DAVID and BEAN stand there, DAVID stunned.  
GRIERSON heads over.

GRIERSON
David, David, David ...

DAVID
I'm fired?  Because I let a... copy of a painting the get stolen?

GRIERSON
Of course not.  I'm sacking you for neglectful conduct, relating to the 
heavy financial loss this gallery has incurred, through your recent 
lack of professional judgement.  A loss I trust Bernie will be able to 
reverse.

David
But ....

GRIERSON
I will of course invite you an excellent reference - or Bernie will.

BERNIE looks across from the computer and smiles.  BEAN has his eyes on 
DAVID.  He is mortified by what's

happening.  GRIERSON notices but misinterprets his worried expression.


GRIERSON
Of course, Dr. Bean, we'll arrange alternative accommodation for you.  
I believe Bernie has a spare room with en suite bathroom.

DAVID glares at BERNIE.  BEAN is thinking 'No!  I don't want to stay 
with horrible BERNIE.'

GRIERSON
How are you making out there?

110

BERNIE
All fixed up, sir.  Stick around, Davey boy.  This is going to be quite 
a show.

He presses an intercom.  He's enjoying himself.

Hi everyone - this is your new Vice President, Bernie Shistler.  Would 
you please watch your video screens.  You're in for a treat, guys.

CUT TO:


INT.  VARIOUS ROOMS.  DAY.

All the staff in all the rooms, gallery, canteen, corridors, look up at 
various screens.  Cut round rooms during this flashy demonstration.

BERNIE
(V/0)
Here you can see our new interactive gallery guide.  Every picture in 
the gallery will have its own story to tell.

A Van Gogh picture comes up on the giant video screens

....and then keeps changing, as BERNIE keeps talking.

Just click , and here is a portrait of the painter - then his family 
then other paintings by him - then other pictures relevant to him in 
the gallery

Everyone is delighted and impressed.

And the beauty is, any idiot can use it. Dr Bean - would you like a 
try?

CUT TO:

INT.  GRIERSON'S OFFICE - DAY.

BEAN swiftly obliges and sits at the computer.

BERNIE
Perhaps you'd like to bring up Whistler's Mother.

But BEAN has another plan.  He begins to click boxes.

CUT TO:

INT.  THE GRIERSON GALLERY.  MAIN GALLERY - DAY.

The Millais painting we have seen before, with the padlock, comes up on 
the video screen.

BERNIE
(V/0)
Ah, Our visiting professor has chosen the splendid Millais painting - 
"His Mistress"

CUT BACK:

INT.  GRIERSON'S OFFICE.  DAY.

BEAN busy on the computer.

BERNIE
Just click on the corner.

BEAN again disobeys ... He clicks on the padlock repeatedly - humming 
the familiar 'Goblins' tune.  BERNIE is looking very tense.

BERNIE
Right let me take over now...

BEAN turns and snarls at him - almost a bark ...

CUT TO:
INT.  THE MAIN GALLERY - DAY

Everyone is glued to the screens.

BERNIE
You've had long enough on it now.  A joke's a joke.  That's it.  
Period!

On the computer screens, the screen has gone black, just as it did when 
Bean was playing earlier, and the 6 dashes have appeared with the 
flashing cursor over the first of them.  All watch, intrigued by what 
they see.

CUT TO:

INT.  GRIERSON'S OFFICE DAY

The blood drains from BERNIE's face.  Still humming happily, BEAN 
slowly types in the letters:

P-E-R-I-0-D

BERNIE
You can stop right there, Mr!  Those are confidential ...

112


Words and figures fill the screen.  BEAN throws his hands up and sings 
a verbal fanfare:

BEAN
Daaa!  Daaa!

GRIERSON moves to DAVID's side and the two stare at the screen, the 
meaning of its contents dawning on them.  Close up of the screen as 
their eyes find the words: 'NEW ARTIST EXHIBIT' in the middle of 
columns of words, figures and dollar signs.

CUT TO:
INT.  GRIERSON GALLERY.  ALL ROOMS.

The same figures are being flashed all over on the huge screens.  
People watching and listening in awe.  ANNIE and ELMER stare at it 
angrily.

CUT TO:
INT.  GRIERSON'S OFFICE ~ DAY

BERNIE
Excuse me, If I may just ...

GRIERSON
(calmly)
Shut up, Schimmel.  Exactly how long have you been siphoning gallery 
money into your own private accounts?

DAVID scrolls down the screen.

DAVID
Look at all this - publicity expenditure ... catering ... all 
completely fictional ... back as far as June 93 ...

BERNIE
I don't think you really understand what you're looking at ...

GRIERSON
Horse shit.  You're dead, grease-ball.  Period.

He pushes a button, that sends a picture of what's happening in his 
office throughout the Gallery.

My friends, good news.  Mr Schimmel is not only no longer Vice- 
President.  He actually no longer works here.

BERNIE
But wait a minute - you can't let some moron from England turn you 
against me.  I deny any knowledge of this.  He probably typed in all 
this stuff himself.  Don't you find it all a bit suspicious that it's 
here at his fingertips. (pointing at Bean) There's your criminal, 
gentlemen.  There's the Limey that set me up!

Pause.  All eyes turn to BEAN.  CUT TO people watching the big screens 
everywhere.

GRIERSON
Dr. Bean.  Have you got anything to say to that?

BEAN looks long and hard at BERNIE.

BEAN
Yes- (PAUSE) It's exceedingly rude to point.

And punches BERNIE sharply in the nose.  Everyone in the gallery bursts 
into applause.

CUT TO:

EXT.  THE GRIERSON GALLERY - DAY.

Half an hour later.  Police cars draw up.  BERNIE is shoved in the back 
seat of one.  GRIERSON, BEAN & DAVID watch.

GRIERSON
(to uniformed cop)
I don't know what your methods are these days, Officer, but I'd also 
ask him a few questions about the destruction of the Whistler copy.

BEAN nods his head firmly.  The car pulls away.  Then breaks and 
reverses.  The SIDE-KICK gets out.

SIDE~KICK
Oh, yeah - I forgot.

SIDE-KICK opens the back of the car.  He takes out a huge bunch of 
flowers.

The chief said I was to give you these.

BEAN is delighted.  Then sniffs the flowers.  What a nasty stink.  Not 
his sort of thing at all.

114


SIDE-KICK drives AWAY.  GRIERSON turns to DAVID.

GRIERSON
I owe you a very serious apology, young man.  It wouldn't surprise me 
if you wanted to leave us after this.  I sincerely hope that you do 
not.

DAVID
VERY ACCOMMODATING Well, no, sir, I'm sure ...

He looks sideways to Bean, who is frantically pointing to his spine.  
DAVID gets the message, and changes his tune..

Let me think about that, Thomas.  We'd have to talk quite a salary 
hike.

GRIERSON
Of course.

DAVID
And a car.

GRIERSON
Mmmmm...


DAVID
Maybe two cars.

GRIERSON
A car sounds sensible.

DAVID
And I need Fridays off, to spend more time with my family.  Speaking of 
which - if you'll excuse me .... I've got a lot of time to make up.

DAVID heads off.  BEAN wants to follow, but needs to get rid of the 
stinky flowers.  He turns to ANNIE and gives them to her to be rid of 
them.  She beams with delight: after all, he DID love her.

BEAN heads off with DAVID to the parking lot.  As they go, DAVID puts 
an arm round BEAN.

Who shoos him away instantly.  No sloppiness for him.  

CUT TO:


115

EXT.  THE LEARY HOUSE.  HALL - DAY.

The LEARY family in a group.  JENNIFER's arm in a sling.

ALISON
well, it's been... unusual.  But thank you.

She goes to kiss BEAN - but he just sticks out his hand, and shakes it 
firmly.  Then moves on to JENNIFER.

JENNIFER
Good-bye Mr Bean.  Sorry I screamed that first time.

He shakes her broken arm firmly ... and she screams again.

DAVID
Come on    hurry or we'll be late.

CUT TO:

EXT.  LEARY HOUSE.  DAY.

BEAN, KEVIN & DAVID get into the car.  It pulls away, as they drive 
off, BEAN sticks his hand of the window - and waves a last farewell to 
ALISON and JENNIFER.  At last a sentimental moment - romantic music 
swelling - like Liza Minelli at the end of "Cabaret".

Until the waving hand viciously cracks against the wooden front gate as 
the car squeezes past.

MIX THROUGH TO:

INT.  AMERICAN AIRPORT.  DEPARTURE AREA - DAY

The three 30 year old women, dressed in curly red wigs from the 
musical, 'Annie', hug and kiss their little BALD MAN and send him off 
through the gates.  They shriek and wave him good-bye.  DAVID, KEVIN 
and BEAN are there.

DAVID
... Oh, and Grierson phoned Lord Walton at the National.  Said good 
things about you.  So expect a great reception back home, huh?

BEAN delighted.  Promotion is in his sights.  He studies his watch.  
He's being polite but held really like to get going.

116

KEVIN
Good-bye Beanie.  It's Bean .... surreal.  And don't forget you're 
welcome to come back anytime ...

DAVID delivers a sharp nudge to his ribs.

KEVIN
... in the distant future.

DAVID
Bye, Bean.  Thanks for everything. And take care, huh?  I know it's 
insane, but I'm going to miss you.

BEAN nods abruptly, picks up his case, checks his watch and goes.  He 
doesn't look back.  Kevin and David turn and walk away.  DAVID does 
stop to look back over his shoulder at BEAN, heading off in the 
distance.  But BEAN doesn't turn, so DAVID walks on.

Then there is suddenly a tap on his shoulder.  It's BEAN, ,as though 
he's magically jumped there.  He gives DAVID a big bear hug, a big 
grin, and then a little wave - and heads away.  In the distance, he 
treads on the back of ,some one's shoe.

MIX THROUGH TO:

EXT.  THE NATIONAL GALLERY.  LONDON - DAY

Shot from high up.  BEAN's lime green mini approaches, coming around 
Trafalgar Square, and drives up onto the pavement, in front of the 
gallery.  It stops and BEAN gets out.  He looks up at the building, 
pleased to be back.

CUT TO:

EXT.  THE NATIONAL GALLERY - DAY

BEAN pauses outside the revolving doors to clip his staff identity 
badge onto his top pocket.  He enters in high spirits.

CUT TO:

INT.  THE NATIONAL GALLERY - DAY

BEAN enters the reception hall.  It is totally deserted.
He frowns, and heads on, puzzled..

117

CUT TO:

INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  GALLERY 1   DAY

The place is totally empty except for a CLEANER sweeping up litter in 
the middle of the room.  There are faded rectangles on the walls where 
all the paintings should be. Only one very solid looking statue 
remains.  BEAN is thoroughly perplexed

CLEANER
They've moved, guy.


BEAN is utterly perplexed.  He looks round the corner into another 
empty gallery, and shakes his head.

CUT TO:

EXT.  THE NATIONAL GALLERY - DAY

BEAN looks up at the building and gives a disgusted grunt ,before 
getting into his car and drives off around Trafalgar Square.  His brow 
is deeply furrowed.  What will he do now with his life?

CUT TO:
INT.  THE NATIONAL GALLERY ~ DAY

The empty gallery BEAN just inspected.  Then, from out behind the one 
remaining statue, emerges MISS HUTCHINSON.  Then, from behind a pillar, 
LORD WALTON.

LORD WALTON 
Is he gone?

MISS HUTCHINSON 
Yes, my lord.

LORD WALTON
Tell the others.

MISS HUTCHINSON
Very well, my lord.

CUT TO: 


INT.  PITCH DARK ROOM.  DAY.

Pitch dark.  A door opens and the light from the corridor falls on the 
150 gallery employees squashed into this one tiny room.  It's the 
gent's loo.

118

MISS HUTCHINSON's head pops in.

MISS HUTCHINSON
He's gone.

Massive cheer, bowlers in the air, massive music.  Roll credits.

CUT TO:

EXT.  BEAN'S HOUSE   DAY.

Behind the credits, we see close-ups of BEAN hammering away at large 
planks of wood on some wooden structure.

He walks away from it - without us seeing what it is
and goes to his Mini, where TEDDY sits on a pile of books in the front 
seat, wearing a seat belt.  Bean gets into the car, which is laden with 
suitcases, starts it up and drives ....

.... straight into the huge crate he has built.  A rope tied to the 
back bumper pulls the lid closed behind him.

CUT TO:

EXT.  MOTORWAY.  DAY.

The crate sits on the back of a speeding truck.
CUT TO:

EXT.  AIRPORT.  DAY.

The crate is now on the top of a forklift truck moving up the ramp on 
an American airline cargo plane.  Close up on a large sticker on the 
crate: it reads: "DAVID LEARY, 23 WOODFORD AVENUE, CHESTERFIELD, 
CALIFORNIA.  HANDLE WITH CARE.


And cut to the plane flying through clear skies.  Though, for the 
Lear's of course there are no clear skies ahead.


THE END